A Matter of Chemistry

So a couple of weeks ago I had been dating this fellow I had been talking over Jack'd for awhile. He had quite the interesting profile considering he was raised in Singapore, Hong Kong and the UK so I figured lets give it a go. Turns out he was quite a prominent figure, a successful young banker that's doing his PHD whilst tutoring physics at Imperial College by the side. One would swoon with a man of such achievements and maybe it caught my eye too. However it soon became apparent that there was a nagging question of chemistry.

For one, I had pathetic knowledge of the financial sector and economics considering those were never my areas of interest and he had no interest or working knowledge in the law making our conversations about work related matters and professional discussions rather awkward. I'd like to think I am a person of depth but when he goes off into a full blown discussion on markets and shares I feel ever so slightly stupid.

On the other the age gap has widened with him being towards the later end of the 20s making our interests and lingos a touch more distant. He might have some Singaporean background knowledge but considering his long absence from the island he might as well be another foreigner now. At least he tries with his pseudo Singlish I guess. That's the thing I always loved about my Malaysians, a common understanding and culture that we could all relate to. With the ex being from my hometown we could always swap over into the Subang culture's inside jokes and share intimate discussions about our politics of home, and use ourselves some Manglish and Malay to diffuse any tensions and make things cute. It's something my foreign dates have always lacked.

Him being a busy working professional isn't helping matters either considering how our schedules do not quite line up. As he works late into the night conversations are uneven and with long pauses. I did get slightly smitten when he did random calls to check how I was though, guess it was a throw back to the days when I was someone that was cared for. But it's a shame really, I don't think I'm connecting to him as much as I'd like to. He seems like a decent fellow and probably likes me quite a bit but my heart's not quite here though I thought it might be. We might head over to the Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park over the weekend, maybe a certain spark might develop over there.

Or maybe, just maybe, I'm just not quite over the ex yet and I really should have taken a break from relationships like I had originally planned. Maybe I'm still just comparing everyone as pale shadows to him when they might be perfectly legit candidates all along. The weather is dropping again, I think it will snow soon. This will be a cold winter, a winter without you. Some nights I do miss you Doc, I really do. I hope and pray Mr Banker isn't just a temporary solution to you, but maybe it truly is just a lack of chemistry. I'll know soon enough.

Winter always screws with ones mood. Always.

The Clutz

Woke up early today and rushed to the station only to find out en route to uni that the advocacy session I had been preparing for the night before had been cancled due to some gaffe the tutor had with being unable to find a babysitter for her child. Bollocks these people. So the tired zombie that was I survived whatever remaining classes I had before rushing back for the comforts my bed would promise.

Was on the train when I spotted this cute Asian girl. Took a seat next to her, noticed her little travel book. Tourist then. Noticed the Hangul script on the book. Korean then, and all alone as a tourist. Briefly contemplated striking a conversation but my mind was a touch tired from the lack of sleep and I decided to see where she would stop off at first. Happy coincidence it was then that she got off at the same stop as I, probably to see the fancy European markets (their closest equivalent to our Pasar Malam) my general area of residence had.

So I got a tad distracted looking in her general direction, acting cool like an idiot and tapping my ticket to the exit side by side. Until someone started screaming that was. Turning around I noticed an elder British man in the midst of tripping over my elongated trolley suitcase. And falling. Fuck me, the embarrassment and fear I felt as I helped him get up. Threw me a long line of curses despite my apologies. Condescending stares by the gathering crowd. Korean girl was staring at the incident, gave me a quick smile and went about her merry way. God, silly me, but then again I couldn't reasonably be responsible for people choosing my bag to trip over considering its rush hour in the tube and congestion is a bitch.

Let's hope I don't get served a subsequent personal injury claim. The man seemed fine but he was mighty angry. Knowing this country people sue on some of the most minute and remotest things always blaming others for their own negligence. Fly kite la people, I'd rather pay a solicitors legal costs than for someone's blame game. But yea, maybe I should stop looking at girls in crowded areas next time myself heh heh.

A Question of Commitment

I've been thinking for awhile now about the priorities of gay men as they age and how they change. I used to be told by my older dates and former partners when I was younger that it was natural that I was still having commitment chills, and experimenting and being a touch wild as I was still young but that their priorities and life goals were somewhat different as they were older and had been through the fires of youth already. The older ones always seemed more ready to settle and to commit having been through their fair share of casual fucks, flings and heartbreaks already.

I guess it is only natural to tire of the playboy reckless life of hedonism and cheap thrills after some time. One can only go through so many cycles of failed dates, one night stands and wild parties before questioning what our lives have come to. Or so I would have thought. But then there are the anomalies I've encountered. Men in their late twenties to early thirties that still act like younger idiotic naive boys that haven't learned or experienced enough of life's odd pleasures yet.

I always found it somewhat sad and odd that I've encountered some men in those age brackets that still don't seem ready to settle. I mean some of them have perfectly loving boyfriends but are still ruled by the power of their dicks. You would think that men would have become less temperamental over time unlike youths in their early 20s or teen years and be less prone to silly temptation. They lose perfectly good relationships over their inability to commit and to fuck around like lost boys.

Isn't it just a touch sad though, that people could still be so directionless at a time when most straight couples are already getting married and building a family together. There's no doubt that there are plenty of committed, sane, honest, happily secure and sorted gay men in their older years out there with their lovely partners but its just these outliers that make me think. I know for one I wouldn't still want to be hopping from date to pointless date and from one screw to the next by the time I hit my later years. If I do I might just turn out to be like one of those sad lonely uncles forever stalking younger boys at gyms, spas and swimming pools.

Heaven forbid I turn out that way gosh, but if I ever become some sad lonely uncle I hope I'd at least be one of grace and class using cash to make them come to me rather than soliciting like a dodgy skank in my twilight years. Just some scary random thoughts I've been having, I think the legal profession is starting to screw with my brains.

Too Bottom

This weekend had been quite a blast with the Hyper Japan convention going on in London and me getting to experience Japanese culture by the buck loads with cosplayers, robots, samurais and interesting food. The interesting bits came later in the day though when I got invited to a private house party by a relatively close London gay friend to have seafood and to meet the interesting boys and girls he had in his list.

This ridiculously cute Malaysian boy opened the door to his apartment and I had to admit I was just a touch smitten. Lets call this lad M. Now there were alot of good looking gay boys coming over to the party but I enjoyed connecting with M due to similar backgrounds and lingos. By the time the drunkeness started kicking in though M began flirting with another boy D whom was totally his type it would seem. D on the other hand seemed to have a thing for me. D was one of those top boys and M was one of those cute bottom boys. Now I noticed a pattern here with all the top lads always having a thing for me but the bottom boys eyeing past me. Makes me wonder if I have become too bottom for my own good.

No really it does make me ponder a little when I don't usually need too much effort to get tall assertive dominant top men interested but usually cannot for the life of me get much spark out of the prettier more passive boys. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it does call into question my masculinity sometimes and makes me ponder. After hanging out with M for most of today he mentioned how he saw me more as a friend. I think with the cute twunky Subang boy I met over summer being more into manly men too, I would probably fall under the friends category if I were to confess anything to him as well.

I still get my fair share of men though, so I cannot be half bad. Men of prominence and ambition that pamper me and shit. But still, maybe I just want to have my cake and eat it. Maybe a reinvention is in order with a manlier less pretty hair cut, pumping hell of alot more iron at the gym and all that good stuff. Maybe I'll grow a beard? Or maybe any form of reinvention will just chase away my current market and make me wind up in an awkward middle spot. Neither pretty boy/cute enough to get certain top men nor rugged and tough enough to get the bottom boys. Ah well, at least everyone agrees I'm pretty damn straight acting so I needn't embarrass anyone with my campness.

HIV Check Ups

As a healthy sexually active (semi) gay male I thought it would do me good to get myself some regular checks at the genitourinary medicine (GUM) clinics just to ensure I haven't caught something nasty from my partners and flings because heaven knows where their own genitals have been. Considering my ex was a medic, he drummed in me very serious lessons about HIV, STIs (STDs) and other assorted risks I should be aware of and I tell you that's all I ever think of before sex is concerned (and post sex for that matter), risk risk risk.

For one I don't give unprotected blow jobs anymore because knowing some people and their skanky habits of visiting spas and having random sex in gym showers and dank alleys (the ultimate STD havens) I'd do well to protect myself from chlamydia and herpes and fuck knows what other weird shit exist in the nether regions of dusty medical tomes. I've had myself some scares in the past where I'd develop fevers after sexual activity although to date fortunately these HIV scares have all been false alarms. Still you most probably wouldn't want to swallow ejaculate of the first random stranger you meet or to even be complacent giving a blow job with ulcers and cuts because that shit transmits through your cuts too.

Funny story, the last round I had myself a check up there were two attractive young female doctors in the room. Well one of them was actually a final year medical student that was there to observe the process although it only increased the awkwardness of the situation. Me being bisexual certainly did not help matters, having attractive ladies examine my intimate regions and what have you. The last thing I would want would be a misplaced erection giving rise to much consternation and embarrassment. And yes you drop your trousers and let them fondle your balls for abit to check for any odd lumps that might develop. Yes they do swab samples from your urethra and anus and mouth (all separately of course, blimey) but these are only if you insist on a full check which very many Malaysians sadly do not do. Heaven knows how many of my fellow countrymen carry the odd infection however minor. 

Back to the story though, at least no misplaced erections happened although I was somewhat less embarrassed this time around with my third series of health checks as compared to my first time (which was nerve wrecking). And yes they ask you alot of intimate details and personal matters to ascertain the degree of risk. I'm happy to be clean of everything at my last check and hope to remain that way. So boys and girls, the point of this half health advice article, half awkward experience is to get yourself tested if you want to fuck with some peace of mind. No really, get yourself tested now before you infect the whole community. Play safe and play nice now. ;)

Flirty Rebounds?

Recently two friends of mine whom I club with at Heaven (one of London's largest gay clubs) on a semi regular basis have just broken up. I'm a little sad of course because they made the cutest couple, both of them being cute and delivering couple kisses to me from time to time on the dance floor. The thought of not seeing them together again to entertain me on Saturday nights disturbed me a little. I was on rather talkative terms with the top guy whom I shall name A although I found the bottom guy a rather attractive lad that was more my type whom I shall name B (as appropriate). A comes from Macau and B comes from Hong Kong and they speak predominantly Cantonese but they're polite enough to revert to English for the banana that is me.

Apparently the issue is that A tends to be a flirt, abit on the naughty side, that gets a little too friendly with other boys for B's liking. B is more loyal settled boyfriend that wants commitment sort. They both however have always been pretty wild just for me, maybe due to a combination of drunkness and physical attraction. I wouldn't know.

It seems B has had enough of A's naughtiness though and has finally decided to walk away. A has been messaging me from time to time in a slightly flirtatious manner for some time now although I have always deflected the attention because I don't do attached boys and I certainly don't want to be the cause of hurt for any of my friends.

Nonetheless he is rather persistent in calling me over for a chat and a hug. Seems like he just needs some comfort to go into denial mode to get over the pain. I might be tempted for an easy screw with a relatively attractive boy but I don't think its right for me to do such things with a friend who has recently broken up especially when his ex is also a friend of mine. I know I'd be pissed if shenanigans like that happened to me and an ex was finding solace in physical intimacy with another (wait that might have already happened, sheesh).

I think I'll just meet him in a public place for dinner to talk like how friends would talk and purely talk. I don't need random tongues down my throat to fulfill an innate carnal desire or to put out a stinging emotional pain. Fuck no, I'm no one's boy toy. I'm just someone that tries to be a good friend for those in need, just like people have been for me.

I don't believe in rebounds, been there and got burnt before (a story for another time). Too much emotional baggage, too much commitment issues and unassuaged fears and mental disorders that have yet to be tackled. Best to sort out our personal shit first before loving another again. Till then though, rebound guy can stay the fuck away from me and I'll stay the fuck away from him where emotions and sex are concerned. Tee hee.

Peace and Moving On

Today marks the 2nd month since Dr.K left me. I've long struggled between denial, hate, love and hope for the last 9 weeks. I'd go mad with jealousy and rage when I see him and his new flame having a good time, traveling exotic locales and dining in posh places that we'd used to go and then ping pong back into denial mode that he'd return some day and ask for my forgiveness, that it had all been a temporary bout of insanity.

I got curious again to check out the ex's instagram, something I banned myself from doing many times before and occasionally failed. Only last week I flew into a rage when I saw the roses and wine and petals and candles laid out by the bed so I was hoping I'd keep my emotions in check. This time round I just saw a simple meal prepared by the new boy for my once beloved. Oddly enough I felt something else I never thought I'd feel, happiness. I was actually for once genuinely happy that they could now live their lives and he was getting the love he deserved. The love I never could give to him.

Thinking back, I guess I know why he left. He never did explicitly tell me the reasons but from all the hints and clues I gathered I reckon I understand now. Prior to Dr.K, I was always abit apprehensive about my boys, I would always keep a certain emotional distance because I was never too sure of the future. I'd voice out concerns about my family, and my duties as the only child, and how I'd imply we were always on borrowed time. I remember him once tearing and saying he'd let me go if and when it came a time when I'd marry a girl. I'm so stupid, now thinking back. How could I treat him like this.

Being my first love, I was inexperienced. I took for granted the fact that he loved me so much. I didn't quite go out of my way to be the best lover I knew I could be, and didn't plan the sort of surprises I knew I would have or should have. Alot of times I feel I was receiving and only slightly giving. Words and expressions are cheap, actions are what truly matter. I remember picking petty fights and always being all huffy that he wasn't expressive enough when in truth he always was expressive, just subtle. Funny because subtle was what I'd always wanted initially. I guess I just needed the soft love to complement the hard love from time to time. I know he'd say I'm such a girl at this juncture aha.

And yes, Jack'd and Grindr. I have such a love and hate relation with those apps now. I found love and friendship there a couple of times before (cue Rihanna's song "We Found Love in a Hopeless Place") but it was also partially what caused the end of my relationship. If I could wind back the clock I would have deleted the apps when we got serious. Because quite frankly no one should have to deserve always worrying being replaced, because there will always be more boys and there will always be temptation. "Sex comes easy, love comes hard" I read somewhere. It couldn't be more true.

It's with these final checks on the life of my ex that I let him go, until fate brings us together as friends again if ever. I doubt I've seen the last of him considering he's from my neighbourhood back home in Malaysia. Sigh, first love being a Subang boy, seems like the right thing to happen. I still love him, its just I can finally see myself letting go. And rather than being consumed with hatred and rage, I'll keep all the good bits of him and the lessons he's taught me and be genuinely happy that he is happy and that he finally has someone that he deserves. I love him enough to let go.

The Girls of my Life (And Other Bi Matters)

Quite often in my life I've come across women that I've met just at the wrong times in that, whilst they evoked much emotional longing within me they were always already taken when I had known them. It's a shame really because a lot of times these taken women end up being very close friends with me that connect on quite a deep level. The thing however is they tend to be women of upright character (a trait that I admire) and would often times get a little uncomfortable once my affections became more obvious. There's underlying tension of course, they like me but they'd never cheat on their partners with me.

Not all that long ago I would have the mentality that I would win over these girls regardless of whom their partners were. I mean they were just boyfriends right, not husbands. Alls fair in love and war and all that crap. I remember a taken girl I once had strong affections for asking why I was never attached to a girlfriend all these years (at least beyond the puppy sorts that don't quite count). I'd reply that the ones I truly care about are always taken. I remember she said once that even though there was a goal keeper on the field, goals could still be scored. Heh, never understood if she was toying with me or implying something but it did strike me as a rather odd statement to make. I like her still to some degree of course, but I've put her back into the friends category.

The point I'm making however is I've kind of changed in the way I handle or will handle these scenarios. I don't think I'd go for another man's girl friend ever again (hopefully) considering that if I ever win her over, there will always be the insecurity that if she could cheat on him for me, she could cheat on me too. Then the issue of character would be questioned. The other issue is more personal. I was a victim of an emotional affair, oddly enough with a boy (the ex) or even a number of times with a couple of boys.

I know the pain and anguish first hand now that a innocent partner would face and I would never want that to befall anyone. It's nerve racking and painful when you realise your partner, whom once put you in the centre of their world, has become a hot and cold schizophrenic that hides details from you and has mysterious phone activities that forever dampen your mood. Fuck that, no one should ever have to be subject to that shit I've gone through.

But I've digressed, the topic is supposed to be on the girls of my life after all. This is a bi blog still I reckon. However regardless of whether my future partner is a man or woman, neither of them deserve to have the fear or apprehension of me leaving them for the other gender and much less the same gender as them. Being bisexual can be difficult considering the overwhelming degree of confusion, ethical issues and personal conflicts one has to deal with as well as discrimination by both homosexuals and heterosexuals. Yes gays do discriminate against bisexuals sadly by denying we even exist or by completely cutting us out of options and generalising us as always being potential ditchers in favour of women in the future. Heaven forbid I go down that path.

Things I Learned From My Last Relationship

I just thought I'd fill in my thoughts in written form before I lose them forever. I had just had my first serious relationship (from either gender) come crashing down on me not too long ago and it taught me a number of key lessons actually. It made me aware of what it means to be in love, what I really want in life and what I want in my partners. Being knee deep in love with someone that cares (once) for you can really open your eyes to a whole new experience.

For one I realise now the true importance of trust and commitment. Without those two ingredients the relationship is living on borrowed time. Which means things like Grindr and Jack'd need to go. Those apps bring nothing but temptation and suspicion and hurt whilst a monogamous relationship is in session. Unless of course its a mutually agreed term I reckon. Still its my biggest mistake, and I'll never get those apps again if ever I end up in a relation for as long as that relation lasts (hopefully a lifetime for a change).

Secondly I realise the flaw with emphasizing my bi-sexual nature. It creates an immediate apprehension with my boys, and a sense of impermenance that I would eventually leave them for a girl. Fuck knows I've struggled with that dilemma for the longest time, taking into account my family's happiness over mine. Then one day it hit me, and I realised my own happiness has to count for something too. I can be a filial son and not necessarily have to marry a female or sire offspring (even the latter is something I would greatly appreciate). I have actually changed from a boy that had commitment issues to someone who could see himself married to a man I truly love and raising a family together. Stupid as it sounds, I contemplated marriage with the ex and I guess he was the first man that made me ever feel that strongly. I guess I don't have that apprehension anymore, and I need to be fair to my boys from now onwards. Maybe I really am turning gay.

And third, I came to realise that I am not as liberal as I thought I was. There's still that traditional streak of the old me lurking about in there. I'm not as cool with open relationships as I thought I'd be, considering I can still get jealous if I really cared about my partner enough. And threesomes piss me off more than I ever thought it would. Hell I was the one with all these cool ideas and when the chips come down to it, I realised I can't ever take seeing my partner screw the living day lights out of another. It's just too painful to bear. Too much info I reckon.

And above all else, to never take a partner for granted. Sometimes when we get comfortable we forget that our partners are still human and need to feel loved and appreciated from time to time. They might love you more than you love them but if they are unfulfilled they will seek other avenues elsewhere and eventually before you know it, the love story you never thought would end will abruptly come to a halt.

These points are all deeply personal of course. Bits and pieces of my mistakes linger, and I know for a fact I will strive never to repeat them again for my future partner. They deserve only the best from me, and I'll strive to be the best there is within my reasonable capacity.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

Seeing A Ghost

I was going to enjoy an awesome night at London's largest gay club "Heaven" last night with a couple of my mates when a ghost from the not so distant past popped out. So there I was with my white and Vietnamese friend (both being rather delectable) trying out one of those fancy exotic sushi restaurants in a corner of London. We were all jolly and happy with the food arriving spot on, and my appetite was ravenous. Then out of the corner of my eye I noticed a familiar face, a close friend of one whom I loved.

She pretended not to hear the first few times and then she finally acknowledged me. Then he appeared. Time stopped. It had been two months since I last saw him, since our final kiss at the station where I told him I loved him still. He just gave the most indifferent hello and looked away, face hardening. Why? I was in such a daze that I could scarcely react properly. Before I knew it they were out the door and gone. Maybe I should have ran after him, maybe I should have tried talking one last time. We were a good couple, 9 months of happiness and this bimbo pops out of the blue and I'm out of the door faster than I know it. Fuck me, he's virtually a girl.

I wasn't going to let that one incident spoil my night though. I partied hard in Heaven and bumped into this cute guy I met over summer in Subang. I kept it platonic back then of course considering I was in a relationship. But those barriers are not in place anymore so I am free to pursue if I need to. The ex can drink my birthday champagne and piss out all our memories down the toilet because that's evidently what I mean to him now. Him and his new lad can go have a merry life with their damned roses and cookies and it would mean fuck all to me now. God, I sound like a jealous bitch.

There was a time I believed things could still be salvaged, that we would stay friends or even end up together again. Life is no Disney fairy tale, that much I should have been aware of. He is dead to me now, my first love, the one I considered giving up my straight life for. I think my mind is clouded at the moment, maybe one day I'll calm my tits (probably tomorrow) and just become indifferent to whatever has happened once more. Goodbye Dr.K you have fun with your bright medical career and your new "woman". I can't be arsed.

I think a part of me loves you very deeply still. But it hurts too much, so I'll settle for hate instead.

The Other Side of Me

I've been someone in the blogging business for some time now although I've always had to censor, mask and sugar coat my real opinions and experiences for fear of either:

• Offending people, because everyone is way too sensitive
• Being read by nosy relatives or other assorted adults that have no business prodding my life
• Discovery of my true inclinations and preferences, which can be rather amoral at times

I've long talked about making an anonymous blog for me to be me, and to say give a piece of my mind as I really would without all the considerations of having links and judgement drawn between my ramblings to the person that I am in reality.

More than anything, I'd just want to have this space to talk about my life and experiences as a bisexual Malaysian lad trying to make my way in the world and survive law school while I'm at it. Perhaps now, after all this while I am ready to stand up for my sexual identity and share my life with no restraints. I can finally be me and not what 'they' want me to be.