A Very Different Kind of Year

The clock struck 12 and another birthday passed me by. It was so very different this time around, and it took be a moment to believe a full year had gone already. I remember the previous birthday being spent with me carrying tables and chairs in the north for some career event and feeling the bitchiness and pervasive politics of the student body I was associated with. But at the end of the day I still had my friends, I still had my small meaningful parties, and I still had him.

The ex was a sweet heart of course, he surprised me in London the very next day with a booking in a posh hotel in Leicester Square. He had a bottle of champagne ready and alot of love in his eyes and from his heart. I'd bashfully giggle myself silly as he'd sweep me off my feet and lay me there in the covers overlooking the city below. And for one night all my troubles were put to rest and there was no more politics, no more bitchiness, or stress, or worries about bloody career fairs and debate competitions. Just us, in solace, in love high above the pretty London lights.

A year later, I'm sitting here in my room studying for an exam that's eclipsed my heart and soul. I've been emotionally dead for the last couple of weeks. But when the clock struck twelve I suddenly remembered. Then I opened an email from mother and father and I read their words telling me how I was the best thing to have happened to their lives and how much they really loved me no matter what. I broke down suddenly, I didn't know why. I guess it suddenly hit me how alone I felt, in this cold room, friends bunkering down for the coming exam storms and the people that love me being thousands of miles away. It's been awhile since I let myself feel this way, which is rather funny when you think of it since I was crying as I had when I was first born years ago. In a way I was going back to my roots.

I honestly haven't felt anything for the ex in a long long time, but tonight is just one of those nights when I reminisce and recalled a time when I was once loved in this far away city of sound and lights. Doc, I guess a part of me loves you still. How did you ever let me go?

That's life I guess, sometimes we will never have the closure we want or deserve. And we'll just have to face the dawn as we always do. Step by step, chest high, resolute and firm. I'll find you again someday.

Edit: And he deletes me from Skype for the birthday. Guess this truly is the end. No more bridges, no more links. Goodbye.

Seeing A Ghost

I was going to enjoy an awesome night at London's largest gay club "Heaven" last night with a couple of my mates when a ghost from the not so distant past popped out. So there I was with my white and Vietnamese friend (both being rather delectable) trying out one of those fancy exotic sushi restaurants in a corner of London. We were all jolly and happy with the food arriving spot on, and my appetite was ravenous. Then out of the corner of my eye I noticed a familiar face, a close friend of one whom I loved.

She pretended not to hear the first few times and then she finally acknowledged me. Then he appeared. Time stopped. It had been two months since I last saw him, since our final kiss at the station where I told him I loved him still. He just gave the most indifferent hello and looked away, face hardening. Why? I was in such a daze that I could scarcely react properly. Before I knew it they were out the door and gone. Maybe I should have ran after him, maybe I should have tried talking one last time. We were a good couple, 9 months of happiness and this bimbo pops out of the blue and I'm out of the door faster than I know it. Fuck me, he's virtually a girl.

I wasn't going to let that one incident spoil my night though. I partied hard in Heaven and bumped into this cute guy I met over summer in Subang. I kept it platonic back then of course considering I was in a relationship. But those barriers are not in place anymore so I am free to pursue if I need to. The ex can drink my birthday champagne and piss out all our memories down the toilet because that's evidently what I mean to him now. Him and his new lad can go have a merry life with their damned roses and cookies and it would mean fuck all to me now. God, I sound like a jealous bitch.

There was a time I believed things could still be salvaged, that we would stay friends or even end up together again. Life is no Disney fairy tale, that much I should have been aware of. He is dead to me now, my first love, the one I considered giving up my straight life for. I think my mind is clouded at the moment, maybe one day I'll calm my tits (probably tomorrow) and just become indifferent to whatever has happened once more. Goodbye Dr.K you have fun with your bright medical career and your new "woman". I can't be arsed.

I think a part of me loves you very deeply still. But it hurts too much, so I'll settle for hate instead.