In Blackest Night

It's full blown winter by now and parts of the country are starting to freeze over with gale and snow and other assorted frosty tidbits the weather can throw. As someone from the sunkissed tropics where the term "season" was synonymous with sales my first winter was quite the eye opener for me a number of years ago.

For one the sun sets by 4pm and the moon and stars are shining bright by 5. I shit you not people, and the damned sun can sometimes take until 10 am to show itself the next day so you can imagine why winter is depression central when half the time you are waking up to the set of "30 Days of Night" over the course of 3 months. Another no shit Sherlock moment is the fact that it's pretty damn cold here so add cold, darkness and gale and you got the ultimate downer weather.

On the flipside there's the summer time when the sun decides to become a fashionista instead and refuses to stop shining. You'd have the damned lights on up to as late as 10 pm at night fucking up your dinner schedules more than you'd realise cause you would have thought it was still pretty damned early till you checked your local clock. Oh and the sun decides to rise around as early as 3-4 am with the sohai birds chirping a full blown out chorus choir by 2 so good luck getting any sleep then. Gosh I almost touchy as hell complaining about both night and day.

Got myself some assessments before the "court" coming up and I hope I don't muck up and get my thoughts as bundled up as my knickers and produce a series of pants arguments for my interim application. Had my tutor going into asshole adjudicator mode with me the other day and delivering intervention after intervention till I was cornered like a drowning rat in my arguments. It's difficult arguing with experienced legal providers you see, they know just the right buttons to push to make you squirm. I wonder if I'll ever be as sadistic some day if I ever pass this course.

Can't wait for the holidays to start though and kick off my euro tour with my high school mates backpacking and jetsetting the way young people ought to do. Heard Amsterdam was thinking of passing some hogwash anti-weed legislation against foreigners which would technically defeat the point of a trip to that haven of abject sin. We'd all be arriving there before that law passes though so space cakes and the like are still legal options.

But beyond my complaints about the weather, my tirades against my work and ramblings on wanker legislature there has been a silver lining through all of this. Namely a particular someone I've met through blogging and though we're thousands of miles apart and hours and seasons away I can say he's done well to keep a consistent smile plastered on my face. Been awhile since I've looked forward to sending and receiving texts with some vigour. Looking forward to sending many more. You know who you are. :)

A Question of Commitment

I've been thinking for awhile now about the priorities of gay men as they age and how they change. I used to be told by my older dates and former partners when I was younger that it was natural that I was still having commitment chills, and experimenting and being a touch wild as I was still young but that their priorities and life goals were somewhat different as they were older and had been through the fires of youth already. The older ones always seemed more ready to settle and to commit having been through their fair share of casual fucks, flings and heartbreaks already.

I guess it is only natural to tire of the playboy reckless life of hedonism and cheap thrills after some time. One can only go through so many cycles of failed dates, one night stands and wild parties before questioning what our lives have come to. Or so I would have thought. But then there are the anomalies I've encountered. Men in their late twenties to early thirties that still act like younger idiotic naive boys that haven't learned or experienced enough of life's odd pleasures yet.

I always found it somewhat sad and odd that I've encountered some men in those age brackets that still don't seem ready to settle. I mean some of them have perfectly loving boyfriends but are still ruled by the power of their dicks. You would think that men would have become less temperamental over time unlike youths in their early 20s or teen years and be less prone to silly temptation. They lose perfectly good relationships over their inability to commit and to fuck around like lost boys.

Isn't it just a touch sad though, that people could still be so directionless at a time when most straight couples are already getting married and building a family together. There's no doubt that there are plenty of committed, sane, honest, happily secure and sorted gay men in their older years out there with their lovely partners but its just these outliers that make me think. I know for one I wouldn't still want to be hopping from date to pointless date and from one screw to the next by the time I hit my later years. If I do I might just turn out to be like one of those sad lonely uncles forever stalking younger boys at gyms, spas and swimming pools.

Heaven forbid I turn out that way gosh, but if I ever become some sad lonely uncle I hope I'd at least be one of grace and class using cash to make them come to me rather than soliciting like a dodgy skank in my twilight years. Just some scary random thoughts I've been having, I think the legal profession is starting to screw with my brains.

Too Bottom

This weekend had been quite a blast with the Hyper Japan convention going on in London and me getting to experience Japanese culture by the buck loads with cosplayers, robots, samurais and interesting food. The interesting bits came later in the day though when I got invited to a private house party by a relatively close London gay friend to have seafood and to meet the interesting boys and girls he had in his list.

This ridiculously cute Malaysian boy opened the door to his apartment and I had to admit I was just a touch smitten. Lets call this lad M. Now there were alot of good looking gay boys coming over to the party but I enjoyed connecting with M due to similar backgrounds and lingos. By the time the drunkeness started kicking in though M began flirting with another boy D whom was totally his type it would seem. D on the other hand seemed to have a thing for me. D was one of those top boys and M was one of those cute bottom boys. Now I noticed a pattern here with all the top lads always having a thing for me but the bottom boys eyeing past me. Makes me wonder if I have become too bottom for my own good.

No really it does make me ponder a little when I don't usually need too much effort to get tall assertive dominant top men interested but usually cannot for the life of me get much spark out of the prettier more passive boys. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it does call into question my masculinity sometimes and makes me ponder. After hanging out with M for most of today he mentioned how he saw me more as a friend. I think with the cute twunky Subang boy I met over summer being more into manly men too, I would probably fall under the friends category if I were to confess anything to him as well.

I still get my fair share of men though, so I cannot be half bad. Men of prominence and ambition that pamper me and shit. But still, maybe I just want to have my cake and eat it. Maybe a reinvention is in order with a manlier less pretty hair cut, pumping hell of alot more iron at the gym and all that good stuff. Maybe I'll grow a beard? Or maybe any form of reinvention will just chase away my current market and make me wind up in an awkward middle spot. Neither pretty boy/cute enough to get certain top men nor rugged and tough enough to get the bottom boys. Ah well, at least everyone agrees I'm pretty damn straight acting so I needn't embarrass anyone with my campness.