When Men Change

Contrary to the title, changing here does not involve a change of clothes so don't expect a sexy seductive write up of those sort of matters. The title here mostly refers to a change of hearts in men. I for one am especially sensitive and alert to my men whenever they have such changes. It usually starts gradually, subtly and is usually quite obvious. Then they abruptly become quite different from before.

It usually is quite obvious when you're no longer their prime target. The messages dull, the kisses stop, the effort becomes incrementally less. And yet some hold on, putting in the minimal bare bones of effort to string you along for the ride as their insurance while they date around and test drive other prospective targets thinking you'll always stay for them. Taking you for granted. Thinking they can deceive through lies involving great amounts of work or other assorted excuses of being tired and what have you.

And then of course their "friends" become more and more important. Which friend? Hell that's a mystery to all. Random bits of tea time and fancy meals and even fancier places begin to appear in their social media. They make sly implied assertions as to who they are with. They tweet their betrayals without realising their silent audience and those they've left behind. Male ego, their ultimate downfall. Their belief in their inability to ever fall. Ever thinking themselves the master manipulators.

Then of course there are those fools that misuse the word love. Oh so very many of them. In the height of their passions they throw the word so casually as if to bind you under their feeble spell. But a man of my experience knows all too well half of these naive children or manipulative men use it as part of their game of knives and daggers meaning so little for using so loaded a word. Appalling. Such is the death of love I'd say.

Without trust, there is no foundation for any relationship. There is only constant suspicion and worry. I think I've come to the point in my life where I crave something more anchored, less temporal like the random screws with the slags and the skanks of the circle. But it's a shame really, you have all these lost boys with their commitment issues and their second heads doing all the thinking for them still, never realising what they have or had all along. I'm tired. I'm cynical. My optimism dims bit by bit.

If he lies to me again, its over and I leave. A lie of omission is still a lie, dishonestly made no matter how one may justify it as a half truth to begin with. I'm unimpressed. You look set to be another disappointment in a list of disappointments. Just another abuser of the L word, so casually thrown. I knew I shouldn't have let you in. We'll see who stays soon, and who goes, you or I.

Little Gay Happenings

Last week I had myself a small gay trip with one of my gay besties JK down south in Brighton. We had become acquainted through Jack'd over the last summer and considering he was headed home for Malaysia soon and I'd be stuck here till September or so, I probably wouldn't be seeing him again for over a year as by the time I would leave UK for good he'd be returning for his following year to continue his degree. As such it would do us both good to have a nice little gay bonding time.

So it came to no surprise that we chose Brighton, the supposed gay capital of Europe. For a change the sun was up in UK (bloody shocker I know) and the beaches were thriving with a ton of barely clothed (sometimes unclothed) people having some fun in the sun. Hell the entire city was full of shirtless people just casually walking around basking in the sun. Not me though, I'm still on the shyer side with toplessness, shall probably need a couple more months of intensive work out regiments and I shall be good to go. Relatively comfortable with my body where play in bed is concerned though heh. JK on the other hand was pretty gym fit so I wouldn't be surprised if he were dying to tear off that shirt of his half the time.

We booked ourselves a backpackers dorm crammed with 15 other people. It looked like a morgue but we were having ourselves a fabulous holiday as opposed to a posh one after all.

Hide the bodies

Suffice to say, it was an interesting laid back town that we could just chill and lay back in whilst checking all the hot bods around. I'm not exactly the biggest fan of Westerners but JK was quite the massive potato queen so I guess he had himself eye candy by the truckloads. And yes that's why we aren't dating despite being pretty close friends. He likes his men blonde and blue eyed, older, rugged and pretty meaty. I think I'm just a tad bit leaning on the pretty boy side. No surprise I get myself a proper 9 foot hole in the friend zone cemetery then heh.

They had this interesting pier that stretched out into the sea with a fun fair at the very end. We got conned into eating the shitty pricey versions of the Fish and Chips we so desperately craved although we had ourselves multiple grand meals thereafter to compensate for that.

 So this must be where Melbourne got its inspiration from

This restaurant is modeled after a classical opera house

 Tourist adventures take you through a maze of small little lanes where you can find all sorts of curios and food outlets in unique hidden settings.

By now everyone is probably wondering where are all the pictures of the hot guys all over the beach are. It is my unfortunate duty to inform you that no such pictures are available as my traveling buddy decided to capture pictures of that variety instead.

Of course we had to try the night scene in the supposed Gay capital as well. First night proved to be a massive disappointment because apparently everything is dead on Wednesdays. The second night had JK calling his Brighton friend to show us around though and it turned out the friend was a legal lecturer at Manchester Uni once. Things got a tad awkward when I found out he was friends with my many educators back in the good old undergraduate days. Bugger me senseless, imagine dancing in clubs with your professors. That has to be next level unprofessional conduct right there!

Suffice to say, I'm always happy to receive free drinks till I sway a tad and start intimately dancing with random lesbians. There was a foam party going on at the club I was in and I never realised how irritating or disgusting foam could be to be honest. It's all sticky and soapy and unless all the hot boys start stripping and grinding their soapy bodies against each other (and me) it ain't exactly a fun experience to have detergent shot at your face continuously from an air cannon. I'm such a fussy bitch aren't I?

Covered lightly in foam before the next wave

Suffice to say I had a great deal of fun partying and traveling with JK. Reminds me of our first party at Marketplace back in August 2012. I reckon I'll miss him when he leaves and whilst we might not be lovers I've grown to appreciate proper platonic gay friendships that matter.

Upon returning to London, I had my last few meet ups with JY (Singaporean from last post). It was kind of sad that he was leaving for the summer and we would not see each other again for the longest time as once again by the time he'd be back, I'd have left this city for good. So we had a nice slow night with dinner and drinks, basking in the city lights. We met his friends (and some guy competing with me for him) and proceeded for a final party before he left for good. Can I just say this world is too damn small and his friends are people whom are friends or exes of people I'm kind of close to? Jesus, this circle.

That last night, we took a bus ride home after the party. He had a flight come the dawn and this was us saying our final farewells. He had a book launch back in Singapore soon, it contained poems relating to his sexuality, his parents were sure to question him. He mentioned perhaps some day I might be a part of his poetry too, stories of our brief summer in London. Maybe I'll send him poetry of my own too, let a professional objectively critique my work. I walked him to his doorstep, we hugged and I was just about to leave when I turned.

And landed a soft kiss to his lips. It was soft, tender and sweet unlike my usual lusty trysts or fickle flames. We parted, and then he was gone. The kiss lingered, and before long I was home with a smile. Parting ever was bittersweet. Maybe some day I'll see you again.

Asian Smile

I mentioned some time back I was stalking this Singaporean dude that wrote award winning poetry whilst publishing his second book recently in a post awhile back. Lets call him JY. Well as fate would have it, I'm now seeing him quite a bit. I was a tad apprehensive going for lawyers again especially after the disaster some time back in 2011 when the relation just degenerated into a lot of unnecessary arguments and ego trips so I was a tad apprehensive getting involved in another cluster fuck of arguments. But we get along thus far and that's what counts, here's me crossing my fingers.

Now that isn't the point of this post. The point of this post was what happened last night. So I dragged him out with me to meet up a number of my other gay mates in our usual favourite bars and clubs on a Saturday night. We were holding hands quite abit as the place was dark and crowded as fuck so I did not plan on losing him. That was when an asshole whom I shall refer to as the Creeper showed up.

Now the Creeper was a middle aged white male whom ambushed me from the side and whispered into my ear after giving me the creepiest pedo smile.

"What's your name?" he breathed far too close for comfort. I gave him a fake smile which should translate into fuck off before dragging JY and myself into the crowd to get away from him.

So after dancing for a bit we came to the realisation that we were too sober to properly enjoy ourselves, so off to the bar we went.

We were all at the bar then when JY asked me to take a peek behind. The Creeper was there, staring and smiling at me just a couple of lines away in the crowd at the bar. Shit.

So we casually went about our way fighting through the crowd at the bar and waiting for the slow service to get moving (British bars are ridiculously crowded with people shoving and pushing to get some drinks served, darn alcoholics). It was then that I felt a tingling in my neck before feeling a hot breath behind me. I turned again.

The Creeper was now directly behind me, breathing down my neck with the most fucking creepy smile ever.

Suddenly he was up at the bar and caressing my arse. Felt a tad violated but said nothing. A friend then passed me a random balloon which I put at my arse to prevent any further violations of my modesty. The twat obviously cared not about my discomfort, simply swatting the balloon away and reaching to to lightly caress my behinds again. Obviously I was getting pissed, and told JY that I was going to punch him in the face but JY being a lawyer as well went through the whole actual bodily harm/common assault discussion with me (we do that) and I certainly wasn't going to start an incident that would get me thrown out of the bar so I ignored it again.

After disappearing into the crowd and having a good time for an hour or so, I decided it was time for yet another round of drinks. So whilst at the bar guess who pops up again? Yes, the mother fucking Creeper.

This time he goes for a more direct approach.

"Hi, I like you. I'm from Spain, what's your name?"

I ignore him and smile whilst rolling my eyes.

"I LIKE YOU! What do you study? Where do you stay?"

Smile again, and ignore.

"Why you so shy? You so shy! I like you!!" I was getting so fucking annoyed I nearly told him to fuck off but oh well Asian manners dictate we don't let our level of dislikes be known. So I politely replied:

"I'm taken, that's my boyfriend," whilst pointing to JY.

"I like you, come with me, I like you. Why you so shy?"

"I told you, I'm in a relationship and I'm not interested." Fuck me, is this guy daft in the head?

Finally after realising that despite my rapidly disappearing smiles, I was growing increasingly cold and so he apologized and finally fucked off. God, these Westerners can be so clueless with Asian body language in that when we "smile" it doesn't necessarily mean we're smiling in a good way. It can be sarcastic or just us being polite. I'm not "shy", I'm beyond annoyed but politely asking you to get out of my face. And I don't talk to Middle aged men in clubs because if you're that age and still soliciting young Asian boys in clubs and bars I don't really have very much respect for you to be honest. By that age I'd probably be getting boys to come to me instead already rather than lurking in dark corners like a desperate creep.

The rest of the night went really well in our little Asian circle of Koreans, Hong Kongers, Singaporeans and British Asians. It might sound rather racist but I like my oriental boys, oh well. Preference really, no offense. I have my fair share of white friends too. The last I saw of the Creeper, he was making out with another Malaysian boy in my group before they both disappeared for the night. Grossed me out, but at least he was no longer pursuing me and at least I had a cutie to dance with till the morning light. <3

The Best Friend

We've all had that one straight best friend whom we once had quite the crush over as we were growing up. They'd be the untouchable fantasy, the forbidden fruit that we never could wrap our lips around. And we'd love them more for it somehow, I reckon due to them liking us and caring for us without any ulterior motive whatsoever. There's just a certain chivalry that makes one go fan girl for a caring straight friend that we can relate with. And then you grow up and you realise fantasy is all that will ever be, but friendships that matter will hopefully last forever.

I remember being smitten over my best friend once when we were young and in High School. Given that I had thought I was mostly straight the new flood of emotions proved rather confusing for me. I'd always been into women with some slight curiousity for men by the side when I was younger so the new passionate pangs of attraction proved to be rather...curious. And yes I remember being a tad touchy feely and "manja-ish" which may have even made him a touch uncomfortable back then.

Fast forward to the future, years down the road he's still my best friend but our relationship has evolved. He has a girl now, the love of his life that I have to share him with. I no longer like him in that way, but I still love him like the brother I never had. He knows all about me now, and my preferences for both genders and he doesn't judge. Of that I truly am proud. Proud to have a straight bestie that jokingly flirts with me in the most bromantic of fashions, that puts up with my rants and sighs about the boys in my life, that comforts me when I am facing heart break and continues to balance me in his competing schedules with life and his girl friend. For that I truly am blessed I reckon.

The other day whilst talking to his girl I referred to the bestie as our boyfriend and she chuckled. Heh, how times have changed. Even his mother refers to me as her son's original girlfriend. So tell me then, do you lot have similar bromances in your lives? I know I've found mine, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Thanks bruv, love you.

PS: It's snowing again. <3

The Reject

I turned down a lad recently and he's not taking it too well it would seem. It begun as a platonic series of chats I would have over the Jack'd app like most of us usually would when he decides to add me over Skype and Whatsapp. Fair enough, I'm all for making friends and what not. Said person proceeds to message far beyond what constitutes friendly borders and I reply within the platonic confines I'm obligated to.

Then the kisses start coming in. Bloody hell, warning lights start going off there. I tend to be friendly and listen to people's problems and entertain them but sometimes these signals get mistaken for interest. No, just no. If I were interested I would have gone the extra mile by now. So I do what any sane, reasonable and moderately considerate human being would do at that time and tell him the truth, that I see him as a friend and that I have people in my life already.

So he goes into the whole "yes okay I understand" and "wish you guys the best" kind of tone and I would have thought the matter was settled. Until I start seeing all these passive aggressive statuses popping up all over the place on Skype and Whatsapp and even on Jack'd about how I broke his heart and led him on. You have got to be fucking me. Here are some gems to go by:

Someone like you, but better.

Should have seen it coming, should have seen him playing.

Just had my heart broken by a boy that led me on.

If your heart is being broken this easily you might want to reassess your general mental and emotional fortitude and start jogging it up to the level of a functional human being. I've been dumped unceremoniously by the love of my life for another and cut off from him altogether before. That's heartbreak. And I picked up the pieces and moved on and made something of my life. Don't wallow in self pity and guilt for fuck's sakes. We've never even met and have only talked over Skype once Jesus.

I obviously voice my displeasure at him and he then profusely apologizes and said it was made in the heat of his "anger and sadness". How dare you get angry at me over rejecting you? I have no obligation to give you anything especially having never developed feelings for you or leading you on to begin with. Goes into a tirade to justify his actions which I promptly ignore. And then finally he puts this new gem on his Skype today:

GONE. Not around any longer.

Good on you mate, that you need to tell all and sundry. Now sod off and leave me be. I've got enough on my plate with my course and with regards to my love life. I'm returning to see someone soon and need no further complications at the moment.

Come What May

Before Christmas hits, I guess I too have myself a confession to make. We might not have known each other all that long, we might not have met up in person, we might not have ever kissed by the River Thames or walked down Piccadilly Circus hand in hand but one thing I do know for a fact is that you've brightened my December considerably and have given me some semblance of peace I haven't properly had in awhile.

I know he comes up a lot in our conversations, and I'm sorry. I can be a dick sometimes but for that I apologize too. I believe everything happens for a reason, we know each other at the times when we need to and learn the lessons life has in store for us. I'm painfully aware of the realities that face us, the different seasons, the two oceans, the ten thousand miles united ever so briefly only through artificial technology. But hey, if there's one thing we can take away from each other I'd like for it to be good lessons and good memories.

You've got your whole life ahead of you, the future is uncertain. The fickleness of the human heart and the demands of reality will some day take a toll but I know for a fact at least, in this brief time period that I've known you I've found my quantum of solace. Thank you for being my December baby. If there's one thing to confess as well I'd say this, I like you alot too. But you've got a great deal of potential, so never waste any tears or fears on me.

Maybe some day, one day. We may never know. I've enjoyed our hours of joys and dreams but reality has always been a cruel mistress. I hope I'll enjoy it some more, but some how I know nothing lasts forever...no matter how it feels today. Your personality caught me first and foremost from the start, never change who you are altogether. You're a good person, always keep that spark of optimism in you and you will go far. So before this night is through, I'll wish a merry Christmas to you and merry days thereafter. But I'll always be here at least, one way or the other.

Of Overly Closeted People

So I was messaged on Jack'd the other day by this rather cute individual (good to know I still have market value) and me being human as I am responded naturally because we're all a little shallow inside. So the conversation was going relatively fine, although I noticed he had a tendency to deflect personal questions in a not so subtle way and considering his hidden face photos I had no doubt in my mind that he was someone knee deep in the closet. Did I mention I hate people deflecting questions I ask or outright ignoring them? Sorry, I digressed.

"Hey I'm super super discrete so I'll appreciate it if we could keep this between us." No shit Sherlock moment there.

Oddly enough he then decides to add me over Facebook, Whatsapp and Skype. We of course then have ourselves a Skype call naturally, whilst stalking each other's online profiles. He was better looking than I had initially thought, looked somewhat like an old flame of mine from one of those summers I had back in Malaysia. And then we had ourselves a brief call before he had to toss the trash. Funnily enough he had this to say:

"Hey whilst we were skyping I felt a little uncomfortable towards the way you talked like how you rolled your eyes or how you talked in a certain way. It wasn't really straight acting. Sorry to tell you this but I thought should be honest >.<"

"Hope you don't mind."

Mate you must be fucking kidding me, obviously I mind. Did you just directly question my masculinity? You do not insult the male ego to that extent and expect things to be fine. It's not that I can't act straight, I do. But obviously when I'm meeting a fellow gay lad on a private chat channel I'm not going to be overly formal or overly "straight". Guys that try too hard to "act straight" usually just come off as the biggest douchebags or tools imaginable. It's pretentious and I honestly hate posers, men that think they are all that but quite frankly aren't, their insecurity reeks through their excessive macho bravado.

Naturally I continue the conversation later as usual because he is hot (I'm shallow) and he could probably offer me benefits in some shape or form some time. Expendable human being. My douche side is showing fuck me. But yes this guy clearly had some issues considering he's never dated men in his life and only recently begun experimenting with them and realising he likes cock up his arse or arse up his cock. Get's super uncomfortable being seen with men and gets all edgy whenever I mention gay related topics even in the privacy of his own room due to his paranoia of eavesdropping housemates.

Jesus mate, sounds to me like you need therapy and a good few years of sorting yourself out before going anywhere near the gay world. I might be bi, but bisexuals of these sort are pretty damn hypocritical I'd say. Good enough to bed, not good enough to wed by all accounts. I reckon he thinks he's an alpha male of sorts (I attract these types for some reason) but he's most likely more akin to one of those fagbagsters we know Asia is famous for.

In Blackest Night

It's full blown winter by now and parts of the country are starting to freeze over with gale and snow and other assorted frosty tidbits the weather can throw. As someone from the sunkissed tropics where the term "season" was synonymous with sales my first winter was quite the eye opener for me a number of years ago.

For one the sun sets by 4pm and the moon and stars are shining bright by 5. I shit you not people, and the damned sun can sometimes take until 10 am to show itself the next day so you can imagine why winter is depression central when half the time you are waking up to the set of "30 Days of Night" over the course of 3 months. Another no shit Sherlock moment is the fact that it's pretty damn cold here so add cold, darkness and gale and you got the ultimate downer weather.

On the flipside there's the summer time when the sun decides to become a fashionista instead and refuses to stop shining. You'd have the damned lights on up to as late as 10 pm at night fucking up your dinner schedules more than you'd realise cause you would have thought it was still pretty damned early till you checked your local clock. Oh and the sun decides to rise around as early as 3-4 am with the sohai birds chirping a full blown out chorus choir by 2 so good luck getting any sleep then. Gosh I almost touchy as hell complaining about both night and day.

Got myself some assessments before the "court" coming up and I hope I don't muck up and get my thoughts as bundled up as my knickers and produce a series of pants arguments for my interim application. Had my tutor going into asshole adjudicator mode with me the other day and delivering intervention after intervention till I was cornered like a drowning rat in my arguments. It's difficult arguing with experienced legal providers you see, they know just the right buttons to push to make you squirm. I wonder if I'll ever be as sadistic some day if I ever pass this course.

Can't wait for the holidays to start though and kick off my euro tour with my high school mates backpacking and jetsetting the way young people ought to do. Heard Amsterdam was thinking of passing some hogwash anti-weed legislation against foreigners which would technically defeat the point of a trip to that haven of abject sin. We'd all be arriving there before that law passes though so space cakes and the like are still legal options.

But beyond my complaints about the weather, my tirades against my work and ramblings on wanker legislature there has been a silver lining through all of this. Namely a particular someone I've met through blogging and though we're thousands of miles apart and hours and seasons away I can say he's done well to keep a consistent smile plastered on my face. Been awhile since I've looked forward to sending and receiving texts with some vigour. Looking forward to sending many more. You know who you are. :)

Flirty Rebounds?

Recently two friends of mine whom I club with at Heaven (one of London's largest gay clubs) on a semi regular basis have just broken up. I'm a little sad of course because they made the cutest couple, both of them being cute and delivering couple kisses to me from time to time on the dance floor. The thought of not seeing them together again to entertain me on Saturday nights disturbed me a little. I was on rather talkative terms with the top guy whom I shall name A although I found the bottom guy a rather attractive lad that was more my type whom I shall name B (as appropriate). A comes from Macau and B comes from Hong Kong and they speak predominantly Cantonese but they're polite enough to revert to English for the banana that is me.

Apparently the issue is that A tends to be a flirt, abit on the naughty side, that gets a little too friendly with other boys for B's liking. B is more loyal settled boyfriend that wants commitment sort. They both however have always been pretty wild just for me, maybe due to a combination of drunkness and physical attraction. I wouldn't know.

It seems B has had enough of A's naughtiness though and has finally decided to walk away. A has been messaging me from time to time in a slightly flirtatious manner for some time now although I have always deflected the attention because I don't do attached boys and I certainly don't want to be the cause of hurt for any of my friends.

Nonetheless he is rather persistent in calling me over for a chat and a hug. Seems like he just needs some comfort to go into denial mode to get over the pain. I might be tempted for an easy screw with a relatively attractive boy but I don't think its right for me to do such things with a friend who has recently broken up especially when his ex is also a friend of mine. I know I'd be pissed if shenanigans like that happened to me and an ex was finding solace in physical intimacy with another (wait that might have already happened, sheesh).

I think I'll just meet him in a public place for dinner to talk like how friends would talk and purely talk. I don't need random tongues down my throat to fulfill an innate carnal desire or to put out a stinging emotional pain. Fuck no, I'm no one's boy toy. I'm just someone that tries to be a good friend for those in need, just like people have been for me.

I don't believe in rebounds, been there and got burnt before (a story for another time). Too much emotional baggage, too much commitment issues and unassuaged fears and mental disorders that have yet to be tackled. Best to sort out our personal shit first before loving another again. Till then though, rebound guy can stay the fuck away from me and I'll stay the fuck away from him where emotions and sex are concerned. Tee hee.