Mortality

Last week, a close friend of mine passed from cancer. It was swift and sudden. I could scarcely imagine from the moment he announced it 5 days prior, to subsequently telling me the night before the rate of recovery looked good, that such a dark twist of fate could occur. I was left stunned on Saturday having just talked to him the night before. It sent shivers of mortality down my spine, arched with a deep sadness.

It was a somber Sunday as I rushed to Ipoh to pay my last respects. On the train it really hit me hard that this was all too real. I remembered knowing him from Grindr back in 2011 on one of summers back from the UK. I was road tripping across various states when I conversed with him in Ipoh. Though we ever remained platonic, I never expected we would become this close over the years.

I remember proper meeting him through my ex after years of chatting. We'd were on a road trip of our own then with the ex, him and his future boyfriend K. 2014 seemed so long ago.

I woke from my reverie and arrived at his home. It was drizzling. I approached his distraught mother and joined her in tears, she had lost a good son. His boyfriend K stepped out and greeted me, sobbing in the process. We've never been close unlike his departed spouse, but here before the body of my friend, I gave an all too human hug and sobbed with him. He had lost a soulmate. I had lost a brother.

There was a whole host of other individuals I recognised from various circles. It was surreal, you'd normally see these lads at their best in clubs or fancy dinners but today all were somber, solemn and teary eyed. I stood by his body, said a quick prayer and told him I'd miss him.

I went through his old possessions in his home. He was always an avid reader, and a massive Doraemon fan. His brother looked just like a younger version of him. 12 years apart, now without an elder guiding sibling, K stepped up to the plate and served as that figure. I'm sure his family knew by now K's role in my departed friends life.

The train was leaving soon, I had to say my farewells. I could not stay for the cremation. I gave K and my friends mother one last hug each and shot off to the station. During the ride back, I let go of all my disappointments and grudges across various people in the circle and from my past. Life is short, live happy, forgive all, forget the bad.

I arrived home and sobbed with my family. Life is short, I'll appreciate all the time we have left together. Us, as mere mortals.

I'll ever honor your memory brother. You were always there for me, I never did forget. Your family loves you dearly, you left us all too soon. K will sorely miss your presence too, he was undoubtedly your soulmate. I hope you find peace in the Hereafter and you did not suffer much in your passing. 

Someday perhaps I'll see you again, and we'll laugh just like old times. Thank you for always being there KW. 

I love you bro. Rest well.

Distance and Apprehension

So this Singaporean lad I've been talking to for a bit decided to invite me over to Taipei to celebrate his birthday with him and his mates. He always gave good vibes and was always open to me visiting him down under though as fate would have it, we ended up in a place quite some distance away from either of our home bases.

I would have to say, I felt a certain connection from him in Taiwan whilst hanging out with him there that I wasn't quite anticipating in awhile. I suppose sharing the same bed and adventures would do that after awhile. Though I suppose my mixed signals and apprehensive nature might have put him off by the end of the trip, I did appreciate the connections we were making throughout.

I could tell though by the end that a distance had slightly grown and when we said our farewells, his fire for me had dimmed. It was a pity, only as another opportunity began to flutter away did I suddenly realise a sense of imminent bygone chances once more. Its a bad habit I am so often fond of. Though I suppose the distance between us would never have made things feasible in the first place, I still feel the growing rift.

At least for a time, in the blur of the drinks, sights and sounds of the dizzying Taipei lights and clinking of pristine glasses, I had for a moment recalled a potential for a flame to brew. I suppose my aloofness cost me another one yet again. He was decent, I think I've caught the feels. Now as he gradually fades away from attachment to me I reckon I'll regret yet another lost cause.

I need to stop pushing people away. I hope you'd still give me a shot SG boy. Let me show you KL again some time. You won't regret it.