A Blessed Year in Retrospect

2018 is rapidly coming to a close. In spite of the often times melancholic nature this blog has gradually skewed to, my life has been nothing short of a series of blessings these last couple of years. From the ashes of ground zero, new opportunities and fortunes arose.

I made a short list of the achievements I made this year alone to permit myself a reminder that despite the shortcomings and shortfalls I had experienced in my quarter life crisis not all too long ago, good things can come and greater things will come.

In 2018:

• Survived 6 months in China, graduated a language course at a  Chinese university and actually made some progress in learning my mother tongue after years of being excessively white washed
• Got promoted twice with a significant raise to base income and responsibilities
• Closed multiple major deals with foreign firms, expanding earning capacity and recognition within company
• Purchased my first house, undertook my first loan and made my first down payments
• Head hunted by a large multinational and swapped to a completely different industry with a possibility of migration in the near future
• Met key players in my industry whom have contributed their share to the development of Malaysia
• Traveled numerous times regionally and around the globe, funded entirely through my own income and made a number of invaluable friendships along the way
• Earned the respect and endearment of my former company and my long time employer
• Made peace with my dear ex and gave my blessings to my successor

It had not been all rainbows and butterflies, but whenever I stumble and fall and feel a tinge of sadness, I always look back to the many glad tidings and small blessings I have received this year.

With every low point, there is potential for new beginnings. With every rise, there is also a fall. I hold my breath with a degree of trepidation at any plunges in the future, but I will now take every fall with a dignified ember of hope and a confidence that the best years are yet to come.

Perhaps 2019 will be the year when I find you, wherever you are. My darl. I have a full heart to give, tatters, bruises, warts and all, but it still beats true. I still believe I'll see you some day.

Here's to a bright new year, full of renewed hopes and dreams.

Transcendence

It occurred to me last night all of a sudden, in one of my sleepless nights...I no longer thought of him daily. I no longer ached, or longed, or felt a deep sense of loss. I had found a certain degree of peace.

I felt then an odd mix of feelings, and mix of fear and relief, fear of finally letting ago and yet relief all the same.

I looked upon the pictures of his new love life, and finally in my heart of hearts gave my blessing. It was a small symbolic gesture, but it meant something to me.

Still, on the streets of Bangkok or Ho Chi Minh, wearing clothes that he'd used to wear, basking in cultures he used to like, I do not doubt the depth and degrees of which he influenced me and played a part in my life. Those are the parts of him I would always keep.

Its nearing the final quartile of 2018, soon we would have been split for 3 whole years and more. I spent the greater part of 2017 hoping against hope.

At least now I have found a friend in him, I can truly be happy for him though we are no longer together, and of that I am proud.

But you'll always hold a special place in my heart, as I'm sure I do yours. Even if you'll never tell me. 

E.L

He's Just Not That Into You

He was a bi lad too.

The intricacies of his mind, the subtle expressions, boyish charms and smiles were ultimately laced with an underlying melancholy and insecurity about himself.

An adequate mirror into the me of yester-year.

The insecurities of a future with the same sex. The dilemmas, the confusion, the need to fit into general society. The fear of discovery and parental oversight, of acceptance into the family and a intangible sight of an uncertain future.

I knew only too well his struggle. That despite, the chemistry inherent in our minds, he simply was just not ready.

Life has come a long way since. I've made peace with my sexuality, my fears of commitment with members of the same sex in an unconventional life style. It does add colour to life, making it worth living I suppose.

Ultimately, in spite of kisses, long nights, heartfelt talks, dinners and whatever efforts, he is ultimately still a "child". Mature in many ways, but still discovering the world, taste testing and straddling the lines of the straight and the bent.

We are all children of two worlds. It is our gift, it is our curse. No one, neither straight nor gay would ever truly understand.

However in spite of understanding, I am allowed to feel a sense of frustration. Not everyone is privileged in having parents and friends that understand as mine have. And so, with our last meal, and his prim and proper facade becoming sloppier and unkempt, I knew the fires of attraction had to be fading.

It's obvious when men start to lose interest. You need only observe their wardrobe and upkeep.

He's just not that into you.

Life would go on, but I guess for 2018, but for ghosts of the past, you'd be that small but temporary spark.

I rest my expectancies and move forward. The search goes ever on.

Tired, but ever hopeful.

Oi vey.

Farewell

Its been months. I checked up on him to see if he was doing fine still, only to realise all avenues had been shut down. A dawning realisation that I'd been blocked from every form of media by him, social or otherwise.

It came to my knowledge that he'd gotten attached barely a month since we parted ways in November whilst I was in the Mainland. I'd been unfollowed on social media and now nearly two months after I've finally been blocked altogether. For no crime whatsoever, other than being a source of care once upon a time.

Not like we were every officially together.

"Where's your boyfriend?"
"Isn't that his office?"
"You guys were quite cute together what happened?"

A multitude of presumptious questions hit me from mutual friends I met over the weekend since returning for a party at our local gay haunts. I stared at the Intermark across from the tower of sin wherein I downed glasses of gin to great company and felt hollow, no stings...just an abject nothing as I recovered and rediscovered my self worth and gazed upon the work place from which I'd pick him up from.

The good night and good vibes completely made me indifferent to a ghost of the past.

Despite his "cheating", his attempts to put me down verbally and challenge my worth, I survived on principle that I deserved better really.

I guess, what I've come to find, is you never really know a person.

I made an effort, didn't work out. You found someone else, and have now decided to cut ties with the past altogether. Matters not to me anymore. I cared and then I didn't.

"I'm sorry we couldn't work out as friends." I texted to the last unblocked link we had.

And then for a change, my turn it was.

Goodbye John.