Old Friend, Old Flame

Dear XC

Its near the end of 2017 now and in a couple of months we would've known each other for approximately 7 years. Time really did fly did it not?

It's interesting, how a random series of Grindr messages from my road trip in the Summer of 2011 spawned long lasting friendships and around the same period led to me meeting the other person that would eventually become my very first boyfriend.

We were never officially lovers though, but back then I remember being star struck by you for a change. I remember feeling excited in a way I never had been for all the boys I had dated prior. I was so new to all things gay back then, having been a bi lad and focusing all my energies on girls alone with nary a thought for men, but boy did you sweep me with your Ipoh lad charms.

I liked how we played the same games, loved the same movies, shared the same hopes and dreams and you came from a good family background and shared a decent overseas education I could relate to. That brief summer, that visit to KL, the naivety and the sweet innocence of a young romance. I was only 20 then, so innocent, so wide eyed. The previous boys were all massive disappointments making you stand out all the more.

Then you left to the land down under and I returned to cold dreary UK. You made your choice to be with another whilst I picked you over the lad that would eventually become my first boyfriend. I remember how sad I was, how discarded I felt, and how much of a fuck boy you used to be.

But we always stayed friends didn't we? Through thick and thin, in your own way you always cared for me. Through my first break up and the second, you would always be there to pick me up and cheer me on. I really did appreciate the subtle gestures of care and concern.

And now years later, with your new lover, you're planning to visit me here in China.

I don't know why I reflected on this only now, but after 7 years...I've really come to appreciate you as a friend. You've been very good to me, and I hope you and your lover will ever be happy. I've grown fond of him to you know? He's made you a hell of a lot less awkward and uptight with displaying affections in public. I've come to find it really sweet, remembering how closetted you once were.

Thanks for being my friend XC. For always watching out for me.

You were never my BF, but I love you all the same in my own way, even if I never say it.

Love you bro.

Another One Bites the Dust

Dear J, it has been quite the ride and though its come to this I wish you nothing but the best. You're an accomplished young man, reaching above your weight and have gone through your fair share of difficult family moments and tough times of the heart.

I hope you find yourself some day, and that you'd enjoy eventual work in JP Morgan. Perhaps I may not have lived up to the standards you have hoped for, but I suppose in some ways you did not meet mine too.

We both tried, you and I. But as usual distance and weariness and fatigue has crept in. Promise me you'll be a more positive person in the future and try not to be too blunt towards those that care for you in the future. There have been many hurtful things said by you in our short adventure together but perhaps someone else will be able to better handle these things.

Perhaps what you really were looking for was a father figure absent from the troubled personal issues of your childhood. I am unable to offer patronage but I can offer partnership. Evidently that is not what you desire, not at this time. We speak different love languages. I suppose we are just very different people.

After tonight, I sense a degree of finality and closure to this undefined thing we've had, for what it was worth. It was a good month, I was genuinely happy for a change. Alas, all good things will sway and turn, as with the bad. I still believe, I still have faith, but I know for a change what it is I want.

I'd like for once in my life not to play second fiddle to any body.

To be the one that is loved most by those I love.

Whether its Reece or Yang or Sean or whoever the fuck comes around to replace me as they seem to do, I'd like to be the one for a change.

But I'm not the one. But someday for someone, perhaps I will be.

And when that day comes, I'd like to be the best boyfriend I can be for whoever the right one is. Every failed endeavour is a lesson learned.

I'll miss you and I'm sure you'd miss me too in your own way.

But I do know as you do too that I don't love you, just as you never loved me. I know exactly what you meant, though I'd never admit it, for I have been in love before. But I do care, for what it was worth.

For what it was worth.

Take care buddy. Pal. </3

Trials and Tribulations

Life has been a wild concoction of the bitter and the sweet in recent times. I've tasted peace, new hope and bright beginnings, and I've felt the crushing weight of reality and disappointment brought to bear. I know only in my heart of hearts that through persistence and with one foot following another, do I come out stronger and wiser than the day before, through trials of fire and tribulations of pain.

Its been a wild year for what it was worth, new potential love affairs, snuffed out almost as soon as they would have began. Old hopes and dreams resurfacing only to be dashed. Each one a bitter pill but an immersive lesson. We are all works in progress, and I've had my share of regrets. But at the very least throughout the course of the year, I've had few regrets due to one simple reason: that I have tried.

Unlike prior, at least I go with the peace of mind that in each failed endeavor, in each broken love affair, in each failed career move, I have reached for it and I have tried to the best of my ability and with that I can hold my head up high in a mixture of pride and carry myself with my dignity intact. In the mixed bag, came new beginnings: not all efforts turned out in vain.

I've been promoted, my career path has borne fruit and I am now pursuing dreams I never quite thought possible a year before. As I sit here in Shanghai, typing this story on this melancholic night, I reflect on the blessings that have been bestowed upon me from the damnation of the previous year. I am grateful, to the friends and family that stood by me through times of pain and times of sorrow. I have come to embrace anguish not as a weakness, but an old friend that pushes me through to do better and undo the mistakes of the past.

Gene, I did try my best to make up for my previous mistakes. I knew not what I intended with the trip up north, but I knew I had to see you once again just to be sure. It is clear to me now that I no longer occupy that previously held precious space in your heart. I blame you not, I've wronged you in ways you never should have experienced. These regrets of mine, I carry with me always as a reminder of what I lost and what I can be in the future.

With a lot of pain I have embraced the reality you no longer want me, but I do appreciate your friendship for what it is worth. SY really did take everything from me, and replaced everything I'd meant. Perhaps someday, I'd be like Josh to you and you would freely show me some measure of affection again. For now, on my part at least there will always be the residual pain, of the loss you. And the loss of me.

I'll always be there for you. Though time might take us into different places, I would still be patient with you. I've been through your worst, you might not trust me entirely for the rest of your life, but you can trust that I did love you in my own broken way. Fucked as I was. This much I do hope you can trust. Your former bear.

And on that other note:

Sam, it is sad that our long standing friendship has come to this. I trusted you, and loved you as a brother. Shit has happened. Our friendship has irrevocably changed and I might never properly trust you again. In some ways, I now understand how Gene felt. Karmic twist of fate I suppose. It is a shame, we've had good times. But I no longer am sure I want to associate with you.

I do try to hold faith and see the good in all adverse things that happen in my life, and this week you have tested that. In time I might forgive you, but you will never be one of my best friends again. I'm sorry, but what you've done is unacceptable to me. All who know me know I can forgive nearly anything. This time, I can't. Not with the way you have carried yourself, and so you will show me the respect I am due for holding unto my decision. I was never good at good byes, but perhaps with age I have grown better.

And lastly, J. Whatever am I to do with you. I know not, but for tonight, sleep on this I will.

Perhaps Shanghai will do me well, perhaps in due time I'd leave behind my old life, and taking only the crucial lessons and memories that have shaped the core of my being as I know it today. Of that I am proud.