Kimchi for the Heart

Meeting him again this time around was different, of that I was sure. He'd grown on me definitely more than I'd ever imagine. I could never fully appreciate the depth of his public display of affections, and yet this time I guess I did enjoy it some what. Walking under the rain in London's Chinatown under that single umbrella had a certain magic to it. This time around I did not push him away when he held me close in public view.

Have I been in Britain too long now that I could be all affectionate with a man here and not have to worry? No, it must have been the effect he had. He was a lot taller than I remember though. Well, I've always enjoyed looking up into a man's eyes anyway. How could I complain?

He'd chosen Cloud Atlas as the movie we'd see. The movie in and of itself was magic. I never realised what I was signing up for but the movie bred a variety of emotions within me indeed. I hid my tears from him during the gay romance scene in Edinburgh though. Too much memories and too reminiscent of the times when I'd used to love with Dr.K in that ancient Scottish city. Then I smiled because I realised the world had not ended yet, and here was someone else whom I could see myself being happy with. But would I be happy for long? Every time I permitted myself that luxury the fantasy would come crashing down so fast. XC and Dr.K had both given me that brief taste of happiness once, how would this one compare?

I'm having a prestigious dining session with my colleagues and I'd chosen him to come with me. He'd be the one I'd show to my friends and peers. He'd be the one I wouldn't be ashamed of I reckon. But how did he feel of me for a change? I find myself confused still, to what extent do I occupy his thoughts, heart and mind? We've got a musical booked up soon, Wicked. I'd wanted to watch it since forever too. Funny, all the things I thought I'd do in London with the ex will now be fulfilled with him. Is he a replacement? No, no he's definitely gone beyond that threshold.

I certainly hope I won't break down and cry when he leaves this city for good. I can imagine potentially how empty London will feel once he's gone. So if we do love, I reckon it'd be temporal, brief and passionate, and those would probably be the ones that stick with us forever. The remnants we most treasure. Maybe some day I'd see him again in Seoul or Singapore or Kuala Lumpur, wherever destiny takes us. It led me back to him after all, twice now. Fate is funny that way.

When London met Melbourne

Returning to London after a week in Malaysia I found myself running through the events of the past week and all that had transpired. I'd finally met him, the boy I spent my waking hours and late nights on for the last couple of months. It was almost too good to be true and I didn't really believe what was happening. He did not hesitate with an immediate hug that was a long time coming. Warm, tender as I imagined it in the flesh.

We spent time throughout his birthday and Valentine's. I offered my meager gift. It fit, I was glad. But with these series of meetings came reality too. I was not the Prince Charming of our fantasies. I was not the deliverer of infinite affection expected. All I was as it turned out may have been quite different from what we pictured.

I'm not the most affectionate person initially, I am apprehensive and keep myself guarded. I guess he noticed, he was guarded too. We've both had our share of heartbreaks and screw overs and were undoubtedly cautious. I'm also an apprehensive person with displays of affection. It takes time but eventually I do showcase my affections, but I keep them minimal to mean something. That is until I fall hard. Guess he noticed too, how distant I was physically.

I know for a fact I didn't do some or all things as well or as sweet as I knew I could or should. That came from both our uncertainties and worries over the future, the fickleness of human hearts and the unbearably long periods of subsequent separation and distance. Once someone matters and a degree of certainty kicks in, I would sail the ends of the earth for them. I guess he wasn't too sure, and as a result neither was I.

We met one last time before I left though. Was mostly filled with much melancholy and underlying sorrow of reality. I'm not as brave or sorted as Jason who would have done everything in his power to narrow the distance and invest significant time, resources and effort into making his relationship work with Vincent. So the boy made the tough decisions I never could, and moved beyond the status quo and made his decision. I was never any good with goodbyes, and they were filled with tears and final hugs and kisses. I wonder, if in time I'll come to wonder if I had wished in another life that I had made you stay, that you'd be the one that got away. I may never know, but then again neither would you.

Truth of the matter is we're two lost souls still finding ourselves, and looking for the love we both deserve. We're still sifting through our individual scars of the past and making sense of the senselessness of human emotions. We're ultimately both in the pursuit of happiness perhaps not realising that happiness was always there, in contentment. He spoke sense though, about us starting from distance and returning to distance for years to come.

He deserves someone that will be there for him in the flesh, to wipe away his tears, kiss away his fears and hold him tight all night telling him everything would be okay. I'm not that person. A part of me wishes I was, but perhaps the way things have turned out it was for the best. Least we met, and I will never have any regrets wondering and wishing what if I had just flown back. We all have our expectations, but some day reality will hit. And ultimately we will have to decide what to do with it.

I miss you, and I do care. If you want me to, I'll be there. Banana, Dancerboy, Teddy. Thank you for everything. Go forth and shine..

Peace and Moving On

Today marks the 2nd month since Dr.K left me. I've long struggled between denial, hate, love and hope for the last 9 weeks. I'd go mad with jealousy and rage when I see him and his new flame having a good time, traveling exotic locales and dining in posh places that we'd used to go and then ping pong back into denial mode that he'd return some day and ask for my forgiveness, that it had all been a temporary bout of insanity.

I got curious again to check out the ex's instagram, something I banned myself from doing many times before and occasionally failed. Only last week I flew into a rage when I saw the roses and wine and petals and candles laid out by the bed so I was hoping I'd keep my emotions in check. This time round I just saw a simple meal prepared by the new boy for my once beloved. Oddly enough I felt something else I never thought I'd feel, happiness. I was actually for once genuinely happy that they could now live their lives and he was getting the love he deserved. The love I never could give to him.

Thinking back, I guess I know why he left. He never did explicitly tell me the reasons but from all the hints and clues I gathered I reckon I understand now. Prior to Dr.K, I was always abit apprehensive about my boys, I would always keep a certain emotional distance because I was never too sure of the future. I'd voice out concerns about my family, and my duties as the only child, and how I'd imply we were always on borrowed time. I remember him once tearing and saying he'd let me go if and when it came a time when I'd marry a girl. I'm so stupid, now thinking back. How could I treat him like this.

Being my first love, I was inexperienced. I took for granted the fact that he loved me so much. I didn't quite go out of my way to be the best lover I knew I could be, and didn't plan the sort of surprises I knew I would have or should have. Alot of times I feel I was receiving and only slightly giving. Words and expressions are cheap, actions are what truly matter. I remember picking petty fights and always being all huffy that he wasn't expressive enough when in truth he always was expressive, just subtle. Funny because subtle was what I'd always wanted initially. I guess I just needed the soft love to complement the hard love from time to time. I know he'd say I'm such a girl at this juncture aha.

And yes, Jack'd and Grindr. I have such a love and hate relation with those apps now. I found love and friendship there a couple of times before (cue Rihanna's song "We Found Love in a Hopeless Place") but it was also partially what caused the end of my relationship. If I could wind back the clock I would have deleted the apps when we got serious. Because quite frankly no one should have to deserve always worrying being replaced, because there will always be more boys and there will always be temptation. "Sex comes easy, love comes hard" I read somewhere. It couldn't be more true.

It's with these final checks on the life of my ex that I let him go, until fate brings us together as friends again if ever. I doubt I've seen the last of him considering he's from my neighbourhood back home in Malaysia. Sigh, first love being a Subang boy, seems like the right thing to happen. I still love him, its just I can finally see myself letting go. And rather than being consumed with hatred and rage, I'll keep all the good bits of him and the lessons he's taught me and be genuinely happy that he is happy and that he finally has someone that he deserves. I love him enough to let go.

Seeing A Ghost

I was going to enjoy an awesome night at London's largest gay club "Heaven" last night with a couple of my mates when a ghost from the not so distant past popped out. So there I was with my white and Vietnamese friend (both being rather delectable) trying out one of those fancy exotic sushi restaurants in a corner of London. We were all jolly and happy with the food arriving spot on, and my appetite was ravenous. Then out of the corner of my eye I noticed a familiar face, a close friend of one whom I loved.

She pretended not to hear the first few times and then she finally acknowledged me. Then he appeared. Time stopped. It had been two months since I last saw him, since our final kiss at the station where I told him I loved him still. He just gave the most indifferent hello and looked away, face hardening. Why? I was in such a daze that I could scarcely react properly. Before I knew it they were out the door and gone. Maybe I should have ran after him, maybe I should have tried talking one last time. We were a good couple, 9 months of happiness and this bimbo pops out of the blue and I'm out of the door faster than I know it. Fuck me, he's virtually a girl.

I wasn't going to let that one incident spoil my night though. I partied hard in Heaven and bumped into this cute guy I met over summer in Subang. I kept it platonic back then of course considering I was in a relationship. But those barriers are not in place anymore so I am free to pursue if I need to. The ex can drink my birthday champagne and piss out all our memories down the toilet because that's evidently what I mean to him now. Him and his new lad can go have a merry life with their damned roses and cookies and it would mean fuck all to me now. God, I sound like a jealous bitch.

There was a time I believed things could still be salvaged, that we would stay friends or even end up together again. Life is no Disney fairy tale, that much I should have been aware of. He is dead to me now, my first love, the one I considered giving up my straight life for. I think my mind is clouded at the moment, maybe one day I'll calm my tits (probably tomorrow) and just become indifferent to whatever has happened once more. Goodbye Dr.K you have fun with your bright medical career and your new "woman". I can't be arsed.

I think a part of me loves you very deeply still. But it hurts too much, so I'll settle for hate instead.