When Men Change

Contrary to the title, changing here does not involve a change of clothes so don't expect a sexy seductive write up of those sort of matters. The title here mostly refers to a change of hearts in men. I for one am especially sensitive and alert to my men whenever they have such changes. It usually starts gradually, subtly and is usually quite obvious. Then they abruptly become quite different from before.

It usually is quite obvious when you're no longer their prime target. The messages dull, the kisses stop, the effort becomes incrementally less. And yet some hold on, putting in the minimal bare bones of effort to string you along for the ride as their insurance while they date around and test drive other prospective targets thinking you'll always stay for them. Taking you for granted. Thinking they can deceive through lies involving great amounts of work or other assorted excuses of being tired and what have you.

And then of course their "friends" become more and more important. Which friend? Hell that's a mystery to all. Random bits of tea time and fancy meals and even fancier places begin to appear in their social media. They make sly implied assertions as to who they are with. They tweet their betrayals without realising their silent audience and those they've left behind. Male ego, their ultimate downfall. Their belief in their inability to ever fall. Ever thinking themselves the master manipulators.

Then of course there are those fools that misuse the word love. Oh so very many of them. In the height of their passions they throw the word so casually as if to bind you under their feeble spell. But a man of my experience knows all too well half of these naive children or manipulative men use it as part of their game of knives and daggers meaning so little for using so loaded a word. Appalling. Such is the death of love I'd say.

Without trust, there is no foundation for any relationship. There is only constant suspicion and worry. I think I've come to the point in my life where I crave something more anchored, less temporal like the random screws with the slags and the skanks of the circle. But it's a shame really, you have all these lost boys with their commitment issues and their second heads doing all the thinking for them still, never realising what they have or had all along. I'm tired. I'm cynical. My optimism dims bit by bit.

If he lies to me again, its over and I leave. A lie of omission is still a lie, dishonestly made no matter how one may justify it as a half truth to begin with. I'm unimpressed. You look set to be another disappointment in a list of disappointments. Just another abuser of the L word, so casually thrown. I knew I shouldn't have let you in. We'll see who stays soon, and who goes, you or I.

Reunion With The Dead

How do you react upon seeing someone who was once the love of your life reappear in your life after a full year? There was a great deal of mixed feelings and awkward moments but he eventually opened up to me. I tried to avoid the topic of relationships because the past should remain the past but you know it would eventually come to it. He still wouldn't tell me the reasons he left but at least we're talking. I guess that's more than enough for me. At least we're sorta friends again, if only marginally. And yes his boyfriend is deleting and blocking me from every chat network left in the system so fuck him.

When it came time to say good bye the old tears that I'd held back so long welled up. He hugged me, told me not to be sad anymore. How could I not, a part of me cared for him still. He was my first love after all, and here was London, the city we'd loved in and made our hopes and dreams in.

Apparently we're partying together tomorrow. I'm not sure it's a good thing. I've drank too much tonight already and my typing is becoming a tad shit but I'm trying my level best to type in a sane competent manner. I shouldn't have drunk this much, its making me miss him more than I need to and more than he deserves. Fuck I miss him. Tonight just confirms it.

I hope we don't end up fucking though. I can't take this level of emotional crazy. I'm sorta taken after all, I need to cut my links with the past but here I am in London with the ex doing the stupid shit I only dreamed off when we broke up a year ago. So help me, we shall not fuck because it'd complicate things. Please. Please.

I love you still.

Update: Nah actually I don't. Must stop writing drunken posts.

Bi-Phobic Gay Guys

So I was scrolling through a number of gay blogs around cyber space when I stumbled upon this really cute and sweet looking Singaporean gay couple. So I went about reading through their entries feeling all "diabetical" from the severe amounts of sweetness until I came across an entry of theirs. It was hate filled and generalised in its nature.

Yes folks its a bi bashing entry.

Believe me, I take enough shit from the straight community as it is sometimes. But then having all these petty, bitchy, dainty, dramatic fairies talking smack about bi lads being unreliable, hedonistic serial heart breakers in the most generalised of fashions make me roll my eyes a little and go "well fuck you too mate".

Now really, I'm aware there are plenty of dicks that are among bi guys. Hell there are plenty of douchebags and losers in both straight and gay circles too. So how dare you lot seek to associate and tar brush an entire sexual orientation based on your personal over dramatized experiences. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves really. I actually have gay friends that bitch about me to their other gay friends warning them about me being bi and therefore being unreliable for any long term happiness. Oh fuck you lot really, that's next level two faced behaviour there. News always travels and I will come to know of it whether you realise it or not.

Then there's the other bullshit attitude of "bi erasure". The attitude that bi people don't and cannot actually exist. Again these wankers think that just because they were born liking boys or girls exclusively, everyone must therefore line up in their neat little ideas of reality and subscribe to only their perception of what humans are attracted to. The height of arrogance and ignorance I should say.

Oh you're just confused. 
You're just gay in denial.
 I don't believe in bi people. 
You'll become gay eventually.

How about no. No, no, no. I like how you lot deny my attraction to females as me being confused or in denial. It implies that I am incapable of making cogent decisions and am impaired in my faculties. I'm perfectly aware of myself thank you.

In a world where there is enough hate towards gay and transgendered people, I don't need pink bigots telling me how to live my life or calling my set of attractions wrong or belittling my sexual identity. You expect the straight world not to judge you and yet you lot judge a subset of your very own LGBT community. That is not to say all gay people do this obviously. Just a far too sizeable proportion of them, unfortunately. Stupid has no boundaries I guess, across borders, nations and sexual identities.

PS: If any of you terasa, tersinggung or perasan its quite possible that you are guilty by association.