Acceptance

After grappling with denial, anger and depression it was refreshing for a change to be happy seeing you happy. It has not been easy, losing you and seeing you in the arms of another. I've had nightmares, and sleep deprivation and other assorted grief related symptoms you don't need to know of.

But tonight, I came to terms. I came to terms I wouldn't be getting you back in the foreseeable future and I understood I had to let you go. Seeing you happy, for once did not fill me with longing or jealousy but rather peace for a change. I know how I had hurt you and to see you mended and well, I smiled.

I don't want to be the psycho ex, the sort that has no ounce of dignity or self worth. The sort that obsesses and cries himself to sleep. The malicious vengeful sorta ex that is the butt end of every unspeakable joke. I just want to be remembered as a person who was once special to you, who made an impact in some good ways and that you once loved.

I understand now, peace and closure come from within. My hopes and dreams have been adjusted, as I bid you a sorrowful farewell. Perhaps in the far future, we'd meet again like old friends and share our joint experiences in our sunset years. We'd appreciate the moments we had together once more and laugh at all the good and sad times we'd gone through together.

A part of me will always love you. I promise you this.

I'm going now Jun, it's time to leave.

I wish you well. I always have. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. And now you are.

Fare ye well beloved, till we meet again in this life or the next.

You have my heart, you always did. But I have to move on now.

จำไว้นะ ครั้งหนึ่งเราเคยรักกัน

Returning To Life Before You

Nearly 4 months on, the pain has numbed and the tears have mostly dried.

I still reflect upon our moments together from time to time. We've both disappointed each other, both made our share of mistakes, me more so than you, but I'd like to believe the love we had for each other was raw, real and true...flawed as it was.

Perhaps in another life, in some bizarre parallel universe where we were still happily together I would not have been so discrete. I would have shown more physical affection, displayed you proudly in my social media, hugged you tight and kissed you at our various airport reunions and departures, and travelled north far more often.

Perhaps I would have been more assuring, and trust worthy. Giving you the reassurances and security you always deserved but ultimately failed to have. It's a funny thing how fate works out, how a seemingly non threat turned out to be my replacement. But life's like this, full of twists, turns and unexpected results. I can't always have my way.

Had I had never called for that fateful Singaporean vacation, or suggested and encouraged those 6 weeks at NUS over Thailand, life would have taken a very different turn indeed.

It broke my heart you know, finding out these things. But he loves you dearly, at least from what I can tell. So long as he takes good care of you, makes you smile always and mends your broken heart, I guess I can live with that. I just wish we could have talked things out, and perhaps fought harder. The two of us, instead of giving up. Love is a conscious choice after all, feelings are so fleeting. You deserved better, you always did.

Mom and dad, they miss you too but even they tell me to move on. They say you'll always have a special place in their hearts too, that they considered you a son of theirs, the one boy they let into their household and planned a future with.

Touched my heart in some ways, knowing that the once adverse reaction my parents had to my coming out had evolved in such interesting ways. Perhaps some day your parents will too, and you'd both have the fairytale you'd always dreamed off.

And perhaps thats why it hurts so much. Knowing what we both lost. My temporal satisfactions have destroyed the dreams of what might have and could have been.

I'm coping better now, still working on self improvement, still stumbling along the way from time to time. I do wonder if you think of me some times, if you miss me but hide it deep within the recesses of your soul with the memories of yester-year.

Oh Jung, Sirapop, Toshy, Liusandri or whatever myriad names you have in the various languages you mastered, know that you meant a great deal to me as I must have meant to you once upon a dream too. Please, talk to me again some day at least. That'd be all I ask and perhaps more than I deserve.

But a boy can dream, and a boy can love.

But the boy's gotta grow up now. That dream is over, though I doubt my love for you would ever truly die. You made your imprint in my heart and etched yourself deep within the confines of my soul. I reckon there it'll always stay, whether I will it or not.

Sweet dreams Doc, some day you'll make me proud.

I miss you. From our first moments, to our last moments. Always.

いのちはつづく

Failings

Breaking up isn't exactly something you expect or anticipate. There's never a good timing and could happen at any time. It hits hard and painfully, you never really know how to react, and will be in a form of shock for a duration of time before reality hits. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The 5 stages of grief and I'm feeling a mix of it all at once simultaneously.

Anger at myself, denial that this is so, pleading for salvation, and fleeting on the shores of depression. In a year of many terrible occurrences, you were one of the major bright spots Jung. You brought cheer, company, companionship, pleasure, warmth, humour, and most of all love to me. For a time it seemed things would be good, but time and again I disappointed you. My ultimate failings.

Perhaps its true that line you say about why people dislike me so much. With my tendency to hurt those closest to me, for selfish paltry reasons. Its almost inhuman, the pain and agony I put you through. You held on in spite of it all, you were loyal, demure and loving throughout. I was a fool. The ultimate fool. And now it seems the fool has lost you, perhaps forever.

Is this truly the end? The end of all that we have amounted to, our laughs, our inside jokes, our warmth, your lips and touch, the sound of your voice, the sweet expressions you'd use to do? The bits of Thai, Jap and Viet all now a lingering memory. Our sacrilege. Our good night kisses. Our family ties. Gone for naught.

Hate is always such a strong word. It hits with the force of a locomotive, puncturing deep and bleeding me out. The pain is real, the regret is greater. The pain amplified only to greater heights as you cut me off from all means of communication. Gone was our links through pictures, and chat boxes, statuses and scribbles. The sense of loss is all too acute, and all too familiar.

CY we've had this discussion before, and you're a fucking idiot. Time and again you've failed in your charge. This time as he leaves its different from before. Theres no emotive gestures, only a void and coldness greets me. My pleadings fall on deaf ears. I've hurt him one time too many. And none of the previous laughs or tenderness could change that. He always gave me room into his heart, now it was sealed away.

So much conflict and turmoil. A part of me wants to pursue, to salvage and mend the tattered bruised and tendered relic called trust. Another part of me cant help but feel he deserves better. Maybe if I truly cared, I would let go. I don't know anymore.

Will we ever see each other again? Will you ever find it in your heart to forgive me? Can we even stay friends? Will you ever take me back?

These questions will haunt me forever. That and the ever emotive, "what if?" You'd found happiness again, then you lost it. You were very likely the One, and I squandered it all away and no amount of tears can make up for the pain I've put you through.

Till then, I shall focus on becoming a better person and remember the lessons you have taught me. You inspired me to be a better person, and indeed for the most part I believed it was so. Alas, I failed you miserably, but a part of you will always live on in my heart and in my broken memories. I dream of you every night and day and it kills me. I know at the very least, my love and care for you wasn't false, and every kiss and every sigh were true emotions brought to the fore.

At least I'll always remember. That time when we used to love.

I miss you dearly Jung. You'll ever be my shadow companion.

"世界上最远的距离不是生与死的距离 而是我站在你面前你不知道我爱你"