A Very Different Kind of Year

The clock struck 12 and another birthday passed me by. It was so very different this time around, and it took be a moment to believe a full year had gone already. I remember the previous birthday being spent with me carrying tables and chairs in the north for some career event and feeling the bitchiness and pervasive politics of the student body I was associated with. But at the end of the day I still had my friends, I still had my small meaningful parties, and I still had him.

The ex was a sweet heart of course, he surprised me in London the very next day with a booking in a posh hotel in Leicester Square. He had a bottle of champagne ready and alot of love in his eyes and from his heart. I'd bashfully giggle myself silly as he'd sweep me off my feet and lay me there in the covers overlooking the city below. And for one night all my troubles were put to rest and there was no more politics, no more bitchiness, or stress, or worries about bloody career fairs and debate competitions. Just us, in solace, in love high above the pretty London lights.

A year later, I'm sitting here in my room studying for an exam that's eclipsed my heart and soul. I've been emotionally dead for the last couple of weeks. But when the clock struck twelve I suddenly remembered. Then I opened an email from mother and father and I read their words telling me how I was the best thing to have happened to their lives and how much they really loved me no matter what. I broke down suddenly, I didn't know why. I guess it suddenly hit me how alone I felt, in this cold room, friends bunkering down for the coming exam storms and the people that love me being thousands of miles away. It's been awhile since I let myself feel this way, which is rather funny when you think of it since I was crying as I had when I was first born years ago. In a way I was going back to my roots.

I honestly haven't felt anything for the ex in a long long time, but tonight is just one of those nights when I reminisce and recalled a time when I was once loved in this far away city of sound and lights. Doc, I guess a part of me loves you still. How did you ever let me go?

That's life I guess, sometimes we will never have the closure we want or deserve. And we'll just have to face the dawn as we always do. Step by step, chest high, resolute and firm. I'll find you again someday.

Edit: And he deletes me from Skype for the birthday. Guess this truly is the end. No more bridges, no more links. Goodbye.

That Long Forgotten Road

I chanced upon that road gone by,
That ceaseless void of hue and cry,
How I'd pondered where it once had led,
It's winding roads where my heart had bled.

Trepidation, fear and hallowed hearts,
Filled my senses like needle shards,
Where once was whole it now was lost,
In London's bitter winter frost.

Lo' behold what I had gained,
A steady footing, of life and fame,
Trade it all with disarray,
That I might see you again some day.

Back turned, rigid and stout you'd be,
Beside that oaken Christmas tree,
You'd walk a step or two away,
I'd wonder if my voice still held some sway.

No I'd rather never meet again,
Old wounds of throbbing numbed out pain,
And yet you know I never left,
Since my heart fell prey to your brazen theft.

I look at the stars, I look to the sky,
Has so much time really passed us by?

Indeed it has, but I felt not distress,
For what you had given me once, I truly felt blessed.

When you leave let me know, I would let you go. 
For I have loved you so.

7 months soon.

Crunch Time

It's the exam season again. Hopefully the last series of exams in my life before I enter my professional career. They couldn't have picked a worse possible moment to have examinations considering its the Easter holidays and everyone else is going about their merry way around the world on jolly cruise ships and jungle expeditions while we slog it off here in bitter cold London. Yes it's snowing again and March is ending. Someone tell the Weather man to take a hike and realise it's spring for God's sake.

I've been watching a British legal series called Silk recently to keep me motivated. It's like the UK's more kickass version of Suits. So damn British, so damn awesome I must say. Focuses on the lives and politics of barristers and their inexperienced pupils. Shit, I can imagine myself in the tight spots these characters constantly find themselves a part of sometime soon. Cutthroat, competitive, politically charged line of work. I think I may like it yet.

I'm looking forward to the first week of April being over with before I indulge in what is left of my life here in London relatively free from most exams. Had myself a chat with the Korean shortly before the exams hit. Finally mustered the balls to ask what I meant to him. I guess my ambiguity and pussyfooting cost me again. Then again he did mention that he'd be leaving for Seoul in mere months and wouldn't want to enter into a Stopwatch relationship.

Fair enough, he's an ambitious lad anyway what with his multiple financial assets and companies awaiting him. Makes me feel slightly under accomplished when I'm a mere ten days younger than he is. Then again most upper middle class Malaysians are so pampered and taken care of by their parents that they hardly need to adapt all that much anyway. Least he still considers me a good friend, wonder if that includes benefits too.

Meanwhile if the girl from my previous post is still up for it then London isn't so bad a place still. Maybe another series of court visits might be in order. Preferably a murder trial or sexual offence for a change. Fraud cases get terribly dull after awhile. Got to go visit some prisons and bring enlightenment to the damned sometime soon as well. Bugger me with the relentless poor schedule I'm meted.

And meanwhile I've got myself a roommate that finally moved in. I live in this Studio apartment you see which is shared with two beds but I've lucked out thus far by not having any roommates for very long. So the house is free for my visitors although you have to climb ladders to get into my bed. Not the most romantic setting I assure you, bloody awkward half the time. Fortune smiled yet again as he's moving out almost as soon as he moved in, not due to me being weird or anything, he just can't stand the ladders and ceilings. Fair enough, means I get my bachelor pad back. Can't complain la, despite the shitty schedules life is good. I guess. Ah what the hell, life is good.

Misadventures

I think I have a magnetic personality. I have a tendency to attract weirdness and misadventures my way and towards the people around me. Take this incident at the bus stop in a dodgy street in London one night. Was sending a friend off one night yes when this gang of fuck knows what ethnicity approaches us and one of these randomers begin striking up a conversation. Not sure if he's plain bored waiting for the bus to arrive or just finds himself having a strong compulsive need to talk to young Asian boys.

So he asks us what we're up to yes, where are we off to and whether clubbing is our sort of thing. Malaysians and Singaporeans and hell Asians in general usually just entertain these gestures cause we don't want to be impolite you see. Under normal circumstances I'd ask the creeper to bugger off but since he's being "nice" to us we decided to give quasi affirmative responses. Despite being a tad uncomfortable in the dimly lit bus stop at night.

Out of nowhere his even creepier friend nudges his way under our umbrella to claim shelter from the rain around us. At this juncture I was getting a tad crossed that he was starting to invade my personal space so I told him to sod off to the bus shelter just beside us. But he insists on standing with us and proceeds to grab my hand and lift the umbrella higher when I pull from his grip and threaten legal action on him. What was I to do, the buggers were either high, pissing on Asians or just plain harassing me by that point and I wasn't going to have anything to do with it. Pulled the lawyer card out of fear and they backed off abit. Probably due to the other people at the bus stop as well.

And when the bus arrived, even though it was the wrong sort to the wrong destination, we got our arses on because street experience tells me I'd rather be safe than sorry you see.

Incident 2 happens just a couple of days later when I'm out on a spontaneous outing with this girl from my dinings and home town. We've gotten quite a great deal closer over the last few days because like I said before, fate is weird that way. Considering Korean boy was unable to attend the dining sessions and she was alone there that night too we just naturally clicked being Subang folk and all before going on many spontaneous adventures around the city. Guess I shall not preemptively presume what we are or where we're going but suffice to say on Sunday after a session at the Inns of Court we headed to Selfridges to look at brands far too expensive for either of us to really afford just to kill time and fantasize about the future.

Now this other randomer pops by as we're looking at some quirky overpriced designer products and tells us he's a fancy PHD student at LSE or something and acts all friendly. Us being polite decide to play along with his act when he offers for us to take down his number and before we realise it he's jamming it into the girl's cellphone before giving himself a call. Fuck me senseless, I must make a pretty shit straight boyfriend being unable to defend a girl from random twat-head here obviously hitting on her.

Then I did something spontaneous of course. I told him in these words, "I'm sure my wife and I would love to hang with you some time." whilst holding her close. Don't think he took us seriously but he went about his merry way after and she turned to me then.

"Wife? Not even girlfriend, but wife?"

And so I gave her a sort of cheeky smile, "Sorry but I just needed to cook up an excuse to make him sod off. Figured if you were my wife he'd be more apprehensive since people steal girl friends all the time."

She stares back into my eyes before saying, "Yea, quick thinking, Mrs <insert my surname here> it is then huh?" Before delivering her own cheeky smile. Heh, women.

PS: And yes obviously the creeper texts her and I suggest putting my profile picture on her Whatsapp to make him go away for abit. Let's see if that happens.

Kimchi for the Heart

Meeting him again this time around was different, of that I was sure. He'd grown on me definitely more than I'd ever imagine. I could never fully appreciate the depth of his public display of affections, and yet this time I guess I did enjoy it some what. Walking under the rain in London's Chinatown under that single umbrella had a certain magic to it. This time around I did not push him away when he held me close in public view.

Have I been in Britain too long now that I could be all affectionate with a man here and not have to worry? No, it must have been the effect he had. He was a lot taller than I remember though. Well, I've always enjoyed looking up into a man's eyes anyway. How could I complain?

He'd chosen Cloud Atlas as the movie we'd see. The movie in and of itself was magic. I never realised what I was signing up for but the movie bred a variety of emotions within me indeed. I hid my tears from him during the gay romance scene in Edinburgh though. Too much memories and too reminiscent of the times when I'd used to love with Dr.K in that ancient Scottish city. Then I smiled because I realised the world had not ended yet, and here was someone else whom I could see myself being happy with. But would I be happy for long? Every time I permitted myself that luxury the fantasy would come crashing down so fast. XC and Dr.K had both given me that brief taste of happiness once, how would this one compare?

I'm having a prestigious dining session with my colleagues and I'd chosen him to come with me. He'd be the one I'd show to my friends and peers. He'd be the one I wouldn't be ashamed of I reckon. But how did he feel of me for a change? I find myself confused still, to what extent do I occupy his thoughts, heart and mind? We've got a musical booked up soon, Wicked. I'd wanted to watch it since forever too. Funny, all the things I thought I'd do in London with the ex will now be fulfilled with him. Is he a replacement? No, no he's definitely gone beyond that threshold.

I certainly hope I won't break down and cry when he leaves this city for good. I can imagine potentially how empty London will feel once he's gone. So if we do love, I reckon it'd be temporal, brief and passionate, and those would probably be the ones that stick with us forever. The remnants we most treasure. Maybe some day I'd see him again in Seoul or Singapore or Kuala Lumpur, wherever destiny takes us. It led me back to him after all, twice now. Fate is funny that way.

The Best Friend

We've all had that one straight best friend whom we once had quite the crush over as we were growing up. They'd be the untouchable fantasy, the forbidden fruit that we never could wrap our lips around. And we'd love them more for it somehow, I reckon due to them liking us and caring for us without any ulterior motive whatsoever. There's just a certain chivalry that makes one go fan girl for a caring straight friend that we can relate with. And then you grow up and you realise fantasy is all that will ever be, but friendships that matter will hopefully last forever.

I remember being smitten over my best friend once when we were young and in High School. Given that I had thought I was mostly straight the new flood of emotions proved rather confusing for me. I'd always been into women with some slight curiousity for men by the side when I was younger so the new passionate pangs of attraction proved to be rather...curious. And yes I remember being a tad touchy feely and "manja-ish" which may have even made him a touch uncomfortable back then.

Fast forward to the future, years down the road he's still my best friend but our relationship has evolved. He has a girl now, the love of his life that I have to share him with. I no longer like him in that way, but I still love him like the brother I never had. He knows all about me now, and my preferences for both genders and he doesn't judge. Of that I truly am proud. Proud to have a straight bestie that jokingly flirts with me in the most bromantic of fashions, that puts up with my rants and sighs about the boys in my life, that comforts me when I am facing heart break and continues to balance me in his competing schedules with life and his girl friend. For that I truly am blessed I reckon.

The other day whilst talking to his girl I referred to the bestie as our boyfriend and she chuckled. Heh, how times have changed. Even his mother refers to me as her son's original girlfriend. So tell me then, do you lot have similar bromances in your lives? I know I've found mine, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Thanks bruv, love you.

PS: It's snowing again. <3

When London met Melbourne

Returning to London after a week in Malaysia I found myself running through the events of the past week and all that had transpired. I'd finally met him, the boy I spent my waking hours and late nights on for the last couple of months. It was almost too good to be true and I didn't really believe what was happening. He did not hesitate with an immediate hug that was a long time coming. Warm, tender as I imagined it in the flesh.

We spent time throughout his birthday and Valentine's. I offered my meager gift. It fit, I was glad. But with these series of meetings came reality too. I was not the Prince Charming of our fantasies. I was not the deliverer of infinite affection expected. All I was as it turned out may have been quite different from what we pictured.

I'm not the most affectionate person initially, I am apprehensive and keep myself guarded. I guess he noticed, he was guarded too. We've both had our share of heartbreaks and screw overs and were undoubtedly cautious. I'm also an apprehensive person with displays of affection. It takes time but eventually I do showcase my affections, but I keep them minimal to mean something. That is until I fall hard. Guess he noticed too, how distant I was physically.

I know for a fact I didn't do some or all things as well or as sweet as I knew I could or should. That came from both our uncertainties and worries over the future, the fickleness of human hearts and the unbearably long periods of subsequent separation and distance. Once someone matters and a degree of certainty kicks in, I would sail the ends of the earth for them. I guess he wasn't too sure, and as a result neither was I.

We met one last time before I left though. Was mostly filled with much melancholy and underlying sorrow of reality. I'm not as brave or sorted as Jason who would have done everything in his power to narrow the distance and invest significant time, resources and effort into making his relationship work with Vincent. So the boy made the tough decisions I never could, and moved beyond the status quo and made his decision. I was never any good with goodbyes, and they were filled with tears and final hugs and kisses. I wonder, if in time I'll come to wonder if I had wished in another life that I had made you stay, that you'd be the one that got away. I may never know, but then again neither would you.

Truth of the matter is we're two lost souls still finding ourselves, and looking for the love we both deserve. We're still sifting through our individual scars of the past and making sense of the senselessness of human emotions. We're ultimately both in the pursuit of happiness perhaps not realising that happiness was always there, in contentment. He spoke sense though, about us starting from distance and returning to distance for years to come.

He deserves someone that will be there for him in the flesh, to wipe away his tears, kiss away his fears and hold him tight all night telling him everything would be okay. I'm not that person. A part of me wishes I was, but perhaps the way things have turned out it was for the best. Least we met, and I will never have any regrets wondering and wishing what if I had just flown back. We all have our expectations, but some day reality will hit. And ultimately we will have to decide what to do with it.

I miss you, and I do care. If you want me to, I'll be there. Banana, Dancerboy, Teddy. Thank you for everything. Go forth and shine..