When London met Melbourne

Returning to London after a week in Malaysia I found myself running through the events of the past week and all that had transpired. I'd finally met him, the boy I spent my waking hours and late nights on for the last couple of months. It was almost too good to be true and I didn't really believe what was happening. He did not hesitate with an immediate hug that was a long time coming. Warm, tender as I imagined it in the flesh.

We spent time throughout his birthday and Valentine's. I offered my meager gift. It fit, I was glad. But with these series of meetings came reality too. I was not the Prince Charming of our fantasies. I was not the deliverer of infinite affection expected. All I was as it turned out may have been quite different from what we pictured.

I'm not the most affectionate person initially, I am apprehensive and keep myself guarded. I guess he noticed, he was guarded too. We've both had our share of heartbreaks and screw overs and were undoubtedly cautious. I'm also an apprehensive person with displays of affection. It takes time but eventually I do showcase my affections, but I keep them minimal to mean something. That is until I fall hard. Guess he noticed too, how distant I was physically.

I know for a fact I didn't do some or all things as well or as sweet as I knew I could or should. That came from both our uncertainties and worries over the future, the fickleness of human hearts and the unbearably long periods of subsequent separation and distance. Once someone matters and a degree of certainty kicks in, I would sail the ends of the earth for them. I guess he wasn't too sure, and as a result neither was I.

We met one last time before I left though. Was mostly filled with much melancholy and underlying sorrow of reality. I'm not as brave or sorted as Jason who would have done everything in his power to narrow the distance and invest significant time, resources and effort into making his relationship work with Vincent. So the boy made the tough decisions I never could, and moved beyond the status quo and made his decision. I was never any good with goodbyes, and they were filled with tears and final hugs and kisses. I wonder, if in time I'll come to wonder if I had wished in another life that I had made you stay, that you'd be the one that got away. I may never know, but then again neither would you.

Truth of the matter is we're two lost souls still finding ourselves, and looking for the love we both deserve. We're still sifting through our individual scars of the past and making sense of the senselessness of human emotions. We're ultimately both in the pursuit of happiness perhaps not realising that happiness was always there, in contentment. He spoke sense though, about us starting from distance and returning to distance for years to come.

He deserves someone that will be there for him in the flesh, to wipe away his tears, kiss away his fears and hold him tight all night telling him everything would be okay. I'm not that person. A part of me wishes I was, but perhaps the way things have turned out it was for the best. Least we met, and I will never have any regrets wondering and wishing what if I had just flown back. We all have our expectations, but some day reality will hit. And ultimately we will have to decide what to do with it.

I miss you, and I do care. If you want me to, I'll be there. Banana, Dancerboy, Teddy. Thank you for everything. Go forth and shine..