When Men Change

Contrary to the title, changing here does not involve a change of clothes so don't expect a sexy seductive write up of those sort of matters. The title here mostly refers to a change of hearts in men. I for one am especially sensitive and alert to my men whenever they have such changes. It usually starts gradually, subtly and is usually quite obvious. Then they abruptly become quite different from before.

It usually is quite obvious when you're no longer their prime target. The messages dull, the kisses stop, the effort becomes incrementally less. And yet some hold on, putting in the minimal bare bones of effort to string you along for the ride as their insurance while they date around and test drive other prospective targets thinking you'll always stay for them. Taking you for granted. Thinking they can deceive through lies involving great amounts of work or other assorted excuses of being tired and what have you.

And then of course their "friends" become more and more important. Which friend? Hell that's a mystery to all. Random bits of tea time and fancy meals and even fancier places begin to appear in their social media. They make sly implied assertions as to who they are with. They tweet their betrayals without realising their silent audience and those they've left behind. Male ego, their ultimate downfall. Their belief in their inability to ever fall. Ever thinking themselves the master manipulators.

Then of course there are those fools that misuse the word love. Oh so very many of them. In the height of their passions they throw the word so casually as if to bind you under their feeble spell. But a man of my experience knows all too well half of these naive children or manipulative men use it as part of their game of knives and daggers meaning so little for using so loaded a word. Appalling. Such is the death of love I'd say.

Without trust, there is no foundation for any relationship. There is only constant suspicion and worry. I think I've come to the point in my life where I crave something more anchored, less temporal like the random screws with the slags and the skanks of the circle. But it's a shame really, you have all these lost boys with their commitment issues and their second heads doing all the thinking for them still, never realising what they have or had all along. I'm tired. I'm cynical. My optimism dims bit by bit.

If he lies to me again, its over and I leave. A lie of omission is still a lie, dishonestly made no matter how one may justify it as a half truth to begin with. I'm unimpressed. You look set to be another disappointment in a list of disappointments. Just another abuser of the L word, so casually thrown. I knew I shouldn't have let you in. We'll see who stays soon, and who goes, you or I.

Just One of Those Nights

It's one of those nights that I look back and reflect on life and we're we've arrived at and what we've become. You're in Paris now, it brings back so many memories that city. Last year around this time I was there but you were having your finals in Edinburgh. I remember me spending my French nights calling you on Viber, gushing and giggling like a little school girl. You were so nervous about potentially failing an exam in front of the medical board.

I remember that year I walked up to the Eiffel Tower and looked down upon the city. I saw the sun set upon the beautiful French horizon and wished then that you could see it with me. What a view it was. Fast forward a year later, you're viewing that same horizon but without me now. I wonder, do I cross your mind and haunt your thoughts with dreams of yesteryear?

I saw your Jack'd profile of course. I always knew it was you despite your lack of pictures. My gut feeling just led me to it and to you. You don't spend nearly 300 days talking day in and out with someone without their little quirks or habits registering with you. The subtleties of their writing styles and little unsaid attitudes.

It's interesting, I've spent all of May and the greater whole of June not thinking of you. But like all dead people, we occasionally reminisce about them. I hate you, I love you simultaneously. I reckon its a mental illness I'll carry with me to the end of my days.

I think after all my antics I've burned any hope of reconciliation by now. We'd probably never talk again in the near future or ever. But these dreams, these pictures and final moments. Everything from the sensual, the emotional, the sexual, it will haunt us from now till the hereafter.

Like that final menage-a-trois, or that final meal, or that final kiss. I still feel it in my bones, and quiver from time to time.

I hate to say it, but I'll always love you. Even when I hate you. And even when you hate me. The Lord told me once to not fight hatred with hate after all. That's the least I can do before I lost myself and you.

A Very Different Kind of Year

The clock struck 12 and another birthday passed me by. It was so very different this time around, and it took be a moment to believe a full year had gone already. I remember the previous birthday being spent with me carrying tables and chairs in the north for some career event and feeling the bitchiness and pervasive politics of the student body I was associated with. But at the end of the day I still had my friends, I still had my small meaningful parties, and I still had him.

The ex was a sweet heart of course, he surprised me in London the very next day with a booking in a posh hotel in Leicester Square. He had a bottle of champagne ready and alot of love in his eyes and from his heart. I'd bashfully giggle myself silly as he'd sweep me off my feet and lay me there in the covers overlooking the city below. And for one night all my troubles were put to rest and there was no more politics, no more bitchiness, or stress, or worries about bloody career fairs and debate competitions. Just us, in solace, in love high above the pretty London lights.

A year later, I'm sitting here in my room studying for an exam that's eclipsed my heart and soul. I've been emotionally dead for the last couple of weeks. But when the clock struck twelve I suddenly remembered. Then I opened an email from mother and father and I read their words telling me how I was the best thing to have happened to their lives and how much they really loved me no matter what. I broke down suddenly, I didn't know why. I guess it suddenly hit me how alone I felt, in this cold room, friends bunkering down for the coming exam storms and the people that love me being thousands of miles away. It's been awhile since I let myself feel this way, which is rather funny when you think of it since I was crying as I had when I was first born years ago. In a way I was going back to my roots.

I honestly haven't felt anything for the ex in a long long time, but tonight is just one of those nights when I reminisce and recalled a time when I was once loved in this far away city of sound and lights. Doc, I guess a part of me loves you still. How did you ever let me go?

That's life I guess, sometimes we will never have the closure we want or deserve. And we'll just have to face the dawn as we always do. Step by step, chest high, resolute and firm. I'll find you again someday.

Edit: And he deletes me from Skype for the birthday. Guess this truly is the end. No more bridges, no more links. Goodbye.

That Long Forgotten Road

I chanced upon that road gone by,
That ceaseless void of hue and cry,
How I'd pondered where it once had led,
It's winding roads where my heart had bled.

Trepidation, fear and hallowed hearts,
Filled my senses like needle shards,
Where once was whole it now was lost,
In London's bitter winter frost.

Lo' behold what I had gained,
A steady footing, of life and fame,
Trade it all with disarray,
That I might see you again some day.

Back turned, rigid and stout you'd be,
Beside that oaken Christmas tree,
You'd walk a step or two away,
I'd wonder if my voice still held some sway.

No I'd rather never meet again,
Old wounds of throbbing numbed out pain,
And yet you know I never left,
Since my heart fell prey to your brazen theft.

I look at the stars, I look to the sky,
Has so much time really passed us by?

Indeed it has, but I felt not distress,
For what you had given me once, I truly felt blessed.

When you leave let me know, I would let you go. 
For I have loved you so.

7 months soon.