Breaking up isn't exactly something you expect or anticipate. There's never a good timing and could happen at any time. It hits hard and painfully, you never really know how to react, and will be in a form of shock for a duration of time before reality hits. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The 5 stages of grief and I'm feeling a mix of it all at once simultaneously.
Anger at myself, denial that this is so, pleading for salvation, and fleeting on the shores of depression. In a year of many terrible occurrences, you were one of the major bright spots Jung. You brought cheer, company, companionship, pleasure, warmth, humour, and most of all love to me. For a time it seemed things would be good, but time and again I disappointed you. My ultimate failings.
Perhaps its true that line you say about why people dislike me so much. With my tendency to hurt those closest to me, for selfish paltry reasons. Its almost inhuman, the pain and agony I put you through. You held on in spite of it all, you were loyal, demure and loving throughout. I was a fool. The ultimate fool. And now it seems the fool has lost you, perhaps forever.
Is this truly the end? The end of all that we have amounted to, our laughs, our inside jokes, our warmth, your lips and touch, the sound of your voice, the sweet expressions you'd use to do? The bits of Thai, Jap and Viet all now a lingering memory. Our sacrilege. Our good night kisses. Our family ties. Gone for naught.
Hate is always such a strong word. It hits with the force of a locomotive, puncturing deep and bleeding me out. The pain is real, the regret is greater. The pain amplified only to greater heights as you cut me off from all means of communication. Gone was our links through pictures, and chat boxes, statuses and scribbles. The sense of loss is all too acute, and all too familiar.
CY we've had this discussion before, and you're a fucking idiot. Time and again you've failed in your charge. This time as he leaves its different from before. Theres no emotive gestures, only a void and coldness greets me. My pleadings fall on deaf ears. I've hurt him one time too many. And none of the previous laughs or tenderness could change that. He always gave me room into his heart, now it was sealed away.
So much conflict and turmoil. A part of me wants to pursue, to salvage and mend the tattered bruised and tendered relic called trust. Another part of me cant help but feel he deserves better. Maybe if I truly cared, I would let go. I don't know anymore.
Will we ever see each other again? Will you ever find it in your heart to forgive me? Can we even stay friends? Will you ever take me back?
These questions will haunt me forever. That and the ever emotive, "what if?" You'd found happiness again, then you lost it. You were very likely the One, and I squandered it all away and no amount of tears can make up for the pain I've put you through.
Till then, I shall focus on becoming a better person and remember the lessons you have taught me. You inspired me to be a better person, and indeed for the most part I believed it was so. Alas, I failed you miserably, but a part of you will always live on in my heart and in my broken memories. I dream of you every night and day and it kills me. I know at the very least, my love and care for you wasn't false, and every kiss and every sigh were true emotions brought to the fore.
At least I'll always remember. That time when we used to love.
I miss you dearly Jung. You'll ever be my shadow companion.
"世界上最远的距离不是生与死的距离 而是我站在你面前你不知道我爱你"
Saturday, 30 January 2016
Sunday, 8 December 2013
Past and Present
I've disappeared for quite some time now, that much I know. Perhaps it was by design. I've returned to my homeland, Malaysia. My heart's conflicted, having spent a considerable time in the UK I find myself now abit of a stranger in my own land, my own home. Things have changed, people, circumstances, places. I'd have to find myself again here having grown accustomed to my lifestyle in distant shores.
The first thing I gave up was a degree of my freedom. Being your typical Asian youth I still stay with my parents, a great source of shame in the West by this time period I reckon. I had to readjust to the fact that I couldn't quite have myself reliable public transport or take casual strolls around from point to point considering how unfriendly the roads in this country are to pedestrians in general.
My life has been a series of ups and downs since I've returned. On some matters I've truly been blessed, and where I've fallen in other matters I've chosen to see it as a test, and a series of lessons needed for me to appreciate the challenges life has in store for me. If everything came easy I would surely take far too many things for granted.
This year has been flying by at a pace so rapid I am beginning to feel a sense of mortality creeping down my spine. It's nearly ended in a blink of an eye and it truly seemed like just yesterday I was watching fireworks in London with some close friends, holding her in my arms as we waded through hostile rowdy crowds.
2013 has been mostly a year of reflection, of great inner turmoil and eventual closing of chapters and repentance. I met a variety of characters from my past, the boys that meant the most to me and made the greatest impacts. I bade them farewell truly one by one. Even the ex who had haunted my dreams and seared so deeply a wound within my unbound heart has made peace with me and I him. It's almost surreal as 2013 marks the closing chapters of my summer 2011 romances, the summer of my life.
So as I put away the fading memories and lost dreams of the soon to be yesteryear, I look forward to the oncoming new year with a sense of renewed purpose and hope. Truly have I fallen in some ways, failing to achieve a number of crucial goals but on the bright side, other opportunities have knocked my way. Opportunities that come only once in a lifetime, some of which a great many people would never ever get. It is then that I realised in this mixed bag of good and ill that was 2013 I had truly been granted a journey most blessed in its nature.
Verily, I know now the path that lies before me. Despite the disappointments and repeated heart aches I stand now a little stronger, a little wiser and at peace with myself to a certain degree more than I ever was the year through. I am sorry for my failures mom and dad, for truly I mean only to bring pride and glory to our house. But though I may stumble and fall, in time I truly believe I will join my peers in the sun. In time I will bring justice to those that deserve it. This much I vow, and so help me "god" that much shall I strive towards. And may it some day come about.
To the future, come what may.
The first thing I gave up was a degree of my freedom. Being your typical Asian youth I still stay with my parents, a great source of shame in the West by this time period I reckon. I had to readjust to the fact that I couldn't quite have myself reliable public transport or take casual strolls around from point to point considering how unfriendly the roads in this country are to pedestrians in general.
My life has been a series of ups and downs since I've returned. On some matters I've truly been blessed, and where I've fallen in other matters I've chosen to see it as a test, and a series of lessons needed for me to appreciate the challenges life has in store for me. If everything came easy I would surely take far too many things for granted.
This year has been flying by at a pace so rapid I am beginning to feel a sense of mortality creeping down my spine. It's nearly ended in a blink of an eye and it truly seemed like just yesterday I was watching fireworks in London with some close friends, holding her in my arms as we waded through hostile rowdy crowds.
2013 has been mostly a year of reflection, of great inner turmoil and eventual closing of chapters and repentance. I met a variety of characters from my past, the boys that meant the most to me and made the greatest impacts. I bade them farewell truly one by one. Even the ex who had haunted my dreams and seared so deeply a wound within my unbound heart has made peace with me and I him. It's almost surreal as 2013 marks the closing chapters of my summer 2011 romances, the summer of my life.
So as I put away the fading memories and lost dreams of the soon to be yesteryear, I look forward to the oncoming new year with a sense of renewed purpose and hope. Truly have I fallen in some ways, failing to achieve a number of crucial goals but on the bright side, other opportunities have knocked my way. Opportunities that come only once in a lifetime, some of which a great many people would never ever get. It is then that I realised in this mixed bag of good and ill that was 2013 I had truly been granted a journey most blessed in its nature.
Verily, I know now the path that lies before me. Despite the disappointments and repeated heart aches I stand now a little stronger, a little wiser and at peace with myself to a certain degree more than I ever was the year through. I am sorry for my failures mom and dad, for truly I mean only to bring pride and glory to our house. But though I may stumble and fall, in time I truly believe I will join my peers in the sun. In time I will bring justice to those that deserve it. This much I vow, and so help me "god" that much shall I strive towards. And may it some day come about.
To the future, come what may.
Wednesday, 18 September 2013
When Men Change
Contrary to the title, changing here does not involve a change of clothes so don't expect a sexy seductive write up of those sort of matters. The title here mostly refers to a change of hearts in men. I for one am especially sensitive and alert to my men whenever they have such changes. It usually starts gradually, subtly and is usually quite obvious. Then they abruptly become quite different from before.
It usually is quite obvious when you're no longer their prime target. The messages dull, the kisses stop, the effort becomes incrementally less. And yet some hold on, putting in the minimal bare bones of effort to string you along for the ride as their insurance while they date around and test drive other prospective targets thinking you'll always stay for them. Taking you for granted. Thinking they can deceive through lies involving great amounts of work or other assorted excuses of being tired and what have you.
And then of course their "friends" become more and more important. Which friend? Hell that's a mystery to all. Random bits of tea time and fancy meals and even fancier places begin to appear in their social media. They make sly implied assertions as to who they are with. They tweet their betrayals without realising their silent audience and those they've left behind. Male ego, their ultimate downfall. Their belief in their inability to ever fall. Ever thinking themselves the master manipulators.
Then of course there are those fools that misuse the word love. Oh so very many of them. In the height of their passions they throw the word so casually as if to bind you under their feeble spell. But a man of my experience knows all too well half of these naive children or manipulative men use it as part of their game of knives and daggers meaning so little for using so loaded a word. Appalling. Such is the death of love I'd say.
Without trust, there is no foundation for any relationship. There is only constant suspicion and worry. I think I've come to the point in my life where I crave something more anchored, less temporal like the random screws with the slags and the skanks of the circle. But it's a shame really, you have all these lost boys with their commitment issues and their second heads doing all the thinking for them still, never realising what they have or had all along. I'm tired. I'm cynical. My optimism dims bit by bit.
If he lies to me again, its over and I leave. A lie of omission is still a lie, dishonestly made no matter how one may justify it as a half truth to begin with. I'm unimpressed. You look set to be another disappointment in a list of disappointments. Just another abuser of the L word, so casually thrown. I knew I shouldn't have let you in. We'll see who stays soon, and who goes, you or I.
It usually is quite obvious when you're no longer their prime target. The messages dull, the kisses stop, the effort becomes incrementally less. And yet some hold on, putting in the minimal bare bones of effort to string you along for the ride as their insurance while they date around and test drive other prospective targets thinking you'll always stay for them. Taking you for granted. Thinking they can deceive through lies involving great amounts of work or other assorted excuses of being tired and what have you.
And then of course their "friends" become more and more important. Which friend? Hell that's a mystery to all. Random bits of tea time and fancy meals and even fancier places begin to appear in their social media. They make sly implied assertions as to who they are with. They tweet their betrayals without realising their silent audience and those they've left behind. Male ego, their ultimate downfall. Their belief in their inability to ever fall. Ever thinking themselves the master manipulators.
Then of course there are those fools that misuse the word love. Oh so very many of them. In the height of their passions they throw the word so casually as if to bind you under their feeble spell. But a man of my experience knows all too well half of these naive children or manipulative men use it as part of their game of knives and daggers meaning so little for using so loaded a word. Appalling. Such is the death of love I'd say.
Without trust, there is no foundation for any relationship. There is only constant suspicion and worry. I think I've come to the point in my life where I crave something more anchored, less temporal like the random screws with the slags and the skanks of the circle. But it's a shame really, you have all these lost boys with their commitment issues and their second heads doing all the thinking for them still, never realising what they have or had all along. I'm tired. I'm cynical. My optimism dims bit by bit.
If he lies to me again, its over and I leave. A lie of omission is still a lie, dishonestly made no matter how one may justify it as a half truth to begin with. I'm unimpressed. You look set to be another disappointment in a list of disappointments. Just another abuser of the L word, so casually thrown. I knew I shouldn't have let you in. We'll see who stays soon, and who goes, you or I.
Wednesday, 11 September 2013
Reunion With The Dead
How do you react upon seeing someone who was once the love of your life reappear in your life after a full year? There was a great deal of mixed feelings and awkward moments but he eventually opened up to me. I tried to avoid the topic of relationships because the past should remain the past but you know it would eventually come to it. He still wouldn't tell me the reasons he left but at least we're talking. I guess that's more than enough for me. At least we're sorta friends again, if only marginally. And yes his boyfriend is deleting and blocking me from every chat network left in the system so fuck him.
When it came time to say good bye the old tears that I'd held back so long welled up. He hugged me, told me not to be sad anymore. How could I not, a part of me cared for him still. He was my first love after all, and here was London, the city we'd loved in and made our hopes and dreams in.
Apparently we're partying together tomorrow. I'm not sure it's a good thing. I've drank too much tonight already and my typing is becoming a tad shit but I'm trying my level best to type in a sane competent manner. I shouldn't have drunk this much, its making me miss him more than I need to and more than he deserves. Fuck I miss him. Tonight just confirms it.
I hope we don't end up fucking though. I can't take this level of emotional crazy. I'm sorta taken after all, I need to cut my links with the past but here I am in London with the ex doing the stupid shit I only dreamed off when we broke up a year ago. So help me, we shall not fuck because it'd complicate things. Please. Please.
I love you still.
Update: Nah actually I don't. Must stop writing drunken posts.
When it came time to say good bye the old tears that I'd held back so long welled up. He hugged me, told me not to be sad anymore. How could I not, a part of me cared for him still. He was my first love after all, and here was London, the city we'd loved in and made our hopes and dreams in.
Apparently we're partying together tomorrow. I'm not sure it's a good thing. I've drank too much tonight already and my typing is becoming a tad shit but I'm trying my level best to type in a sane competent manner. I shouldn't have drunk this much, its making me miss him more than I need to and more than he deserves. Fuck I miss him. Tonight just confirms it.
I hope we don't end up fucking though. I can't take this level of emotional crazy. I'm sorta taken after all, I need to cut my links with the past but here I am in London with the ex doing the stupid shit I only dreamed off when we broke up a year ago. So help me, we shall not fuck because it'd complicate things. Please. Please.
I love you still.
Update: Nah actually I don't. Must stop writing drunken posts.
Sunday, 1 September 2013
Bi-Phobic Gay Guys
So I was scrolling through a number of gay blogs around cyber space when I stumbled upon this really cute and sweet looking Singaporean gay couple. So I went about reading through their entries feeling all "diabetical" from the severe amounts of sweetness until I came across an entry of theirs. It was hate filled and generalised in its nature.
Yes folks its a bi bashing entry.
Believe me, I take enough shit from the straight community as it is sometimes. But then having all these petty, bitchy, dainty, dramatic fairies talking smack about bi lads being unreliable, hedonistic serial heart breakers in the most generalised of fashions make me roll my eyes a little and go "well fuck you too mate".
Now really, I'm aware there are plenty of dicks that are among bi guys. Hell there are plenty of douchebags and losers in both straight and gay circles too. So how dare you lot seek to associate and tar brush an entire sexual orientation based on your personal over dramatized experiences. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves really. I actually have gay friends that bitch about me to their other gay friends warning them about me being bi and therefore being unreliable for any long term happiness. Oh fuck you lot really, that's next level two faced behaviour there. News always travels and I will come to know of it whether you realise it or not.
Then there's the other bullshit attitude of "bi erasure". The attitude that bi people don't and cannot actually exist. Again these wankers think that just because they were born liking boys or girls exclusively, everyone must therefore line up in their neat little ideas of reality and subscribe to only their perception of what humans are attracted to. The height of arrogance and ignorance I should say.
Oh you're just confused.
You're just gay in denial.
I don't believe in bi people.
You'll become gay eventually.
How about no. No, no, no. I like how you lot deny my attraction to females as me being confused or in denial. It implies that I am incapable of making cogent decisions and am impaired in my faculties. I'm perfectly aware of myself thank you.
In a world where there is enough hate towards gay and transgendered people, I don't need pink bigots telling me how to live my life or calling my set of attractions wrong or belittling my sexual identity. You expect the straight world not to judge you and yet you lot judge a subset of your very own LGBT community. That is not to say all gay people do this obviously. Just a far too sizeable proportion of them, unfortunately. Stupid has no boundaries I guess, across borders, nations and sexual identities.
PS: If any of you terasa, tersinggung or perasan its quite possible that you are guilty by association.
Yes folks its a bi bashing entry.
Believe me, I take enough shit from the straight community as it is sometimes. But then having all these petty, bitchy, dainty, dramatic fairies talking smack about bi lads being unreliable, hedonistic serial heart breakers in the most generalised of fashions make me roll my eyes a little and go "well fuck you too mate".
Now really, I'm aware there are plenty of dicks that are among bi guys. Hell there are plenty of douchebags and losers in both straight and gay circles too. So how dare you lot seek to associate and tar brush an entire sexual orientation based on your personal over dramatized experiences. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves really. I actually have gay friends that bitch about me to their other gay friends warning them about me being bi and therefore being unreliable for any long term happiness. Oh fuck you lot really, that's next level two faced behaviour there. News always travels and I will come to know of it whether you realise it or not.
Then there's the other bullshit attitude of "bi erasure". The attitude that bi people don't and cannot actually exist. Again these wankers think that just because they were born liking boys or girls exclusively, everyone must therefore line up in their neat little ideas of reality and subscribe to only their perception of what humans are attracted to. The height of arrogance and ignorance I should say.
Oh you're just confused.
You're just gay in denial.
I don't believe in bi people.
You'll become gay eventually.
How about no. No, no, no. I like how you lot deny my attraction to females as me being confused or in denial. It implies that I am incapable of making cogent decisions and am impaired in my faculties. I'm perfectly aware of myself thank you.
In a world where there is enough hate towards gay and transgendered people, I don't need pink bigots telling me how to live my life or calling my set of attractions wrong or belittling my sexual identity. You expect the straight world not to judge you and yet you lot judge a subset of your very own LGBT community. That is not to say all gay people do this obviously. Just a far too sizeable proportion of them, unfortunately. Stupid has no boundaries I guess, across borders, nations and sexual identities.
PS: If any of you terasa, tersinggung or perasan its quite possible that you are guilty by association.
Friday, 30 August 2013
Omega
My spirit is sapped, exams have been ongoing for most of the month and I'm exhausted. Think I may have made a fatal flaw and doomed a client. If after all my efforts I still don't make it in this field then well, I guess it was not meant to be. All the prestige and time and money spent here can be conveniently flushed down the toilet although I reckon the tangible skills I've gained here will invariably prove useful.
Lady Gaga is coming to perform songs from her new album just down the road from where I live. I have an exam the following day so fuck me seriously. I have wanted to catch Mother Monster since last year when I was bugging my ex to take me to her damned concert in London. Looks like she and I are just not meant to be. I guess I'll just have to catch her in Singapore some time then seeing as Malaysia has its knickers in a bundle perpetually when it comes to her or indeed anything homosexual related.
Lately I've been watching a set of disturbing videos as well. The prime video of concern is called "The Road to World War 3" and it's talking about how recent events are slowly leading towards those events. Normally I'd brush off people like these as fringe nuts but when you consider all his theories and explanations it starts to make frightening sense. For instance, the maker of the video talks about how Iran is being targeted by the Western powers due to it trying to break free from the US dollar's grip over petrol prices. So what happens is the West then proceeds to destabilize Syria and will attempt to try to get into Syria to involve Iran. What's scary is the video was made in September 2012. Now nearly a year later the British Parliament is debating whether to launch a war in Syria and the USA is already gleefully announcing their intention to get involved.
Oh and China and Russia are standing by Iran on strong terms. An attack on Syria and Iran could be the flashpoint of Armageddon as we know it. In a secular sense of course because I'm obviously anything but religious. But the implications are horrifying and it scares me just to think of it. Check out the video below.
And if you'd all rather care about Milley Cyrus being a skank then well, good on you. The sad reality is people are easy to manipulate and control because they care far too little about world affairs. In light of all this global politics, Malaysian politics suddenly seems so very small and insignificant. Truly, I am ever slightly worried.
Sunday, 11 August 2013
Outed to the Family
I have just recently gotten back from a short trip around Europe with the family. They paid me a visit here in London you see and we decided to all have a merry adventure for a change after being separated for so long. It was in this interim period during their stay in London that my sexuality became known to them. I guess it wasn't too wise of me to make phone calls to a boy at night continuously for multiple nights in a row but suffice to say, they know.
Oddly enough my dad is rather alright with it. He was far more calm and accepting about the news than I'd have thought. Mother on the other hand went into abject silence and wasn't taking it too well. I could sense the disappointment and guilt and sadness emanating from her. Think she questioned whether sending me overseas was the right thing to do after all. Odd, I was always under the impression of my mom being the chilled one and my dad being the anti gay. Funny how the reality of the matter is.
All things considered I think they're taking it relatively well. Told them about my past love and how I lost it. Emphasized to them I still liked girls and that seems to have relieved my mom a whole ton and she has since began to talk a whole lot more about girls to me. I think she's trying to go into denial about the other side of me and just hope I get a girlfriend soon. The Korean girl that I met in a gay club and introduced to my parents a couple of weeks ago is currently the constant subject that they focus on. She got along well with my mom so I guess that's a good sign but I'm just not entirely feeling it with her.
Life probably won't quite be the same again. They will probably be suspicious of every male friend I bring over home for a sleepover or what not from now onwards. They'll probably scrutinise my every interaction with my male friends for signs of excessive affection too. I guess they'll just have to live with the reality of who I am. Ultimately, I am still their son and they are still my parents. Our love for each other doesn't change because of my preferences and it shouldn't. Maybe in time it will only make us closer.
I am who I am. Bisexual and proud.
Oddly enough my dad is rather alright with it. He was far more calm and accepting about the news than I'd have thought. Mother on the other hand went into abject silence and wasn't taking it too well. I could sense the disappointment and guilt and sadness emanating from her. Think she questioned whether sending me overseas was the right thing to do after all. Odd, I was always under the impression of my mom being the chilled one and my dad being the anti gay. Funny how the reality of the matter is.
All things considered I think they're taking it relatively well. Told them about my past love and how I lost it. Emphasized to them I still liked girls and that seems to have relieved my mom a whole ton and she has since began to talk a whole lot more about girls to me. I think she's trying to go into denial about the other side of me and just hope I get a girlfriend soon. The Korean girl that I met in a gay club and introduced to my parents a couple of weeks ago is currently the constant subject that they focus on. She got along well with my mom so I guess that's a good sign but I'm just not entirely feeling it with her.
Life probably won't quite be the same again. They will probably be suspicious of every male friend I bring over home for a sleepover or what not from now onwards. They'll probably scrutinise my every interaction with my male friends for signs of excessive affection too. I guess they'll just have to live with the reality of who I am. Ultimately, I am still their son and they are still my parents. Our love for each other doesn't change because of my preferences and it shouldn't. Maybe in time it will only make us closer.
I am who I am. Bisexual and proud.
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