Failings

Breaking up isn't exactly something you expect or anticipate. There's never a good timing and could happen at any time. It hits hard and painfully, you never really know how to react, and will be in a form of shock for a duration of time before reality hits. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The 5 stages of grief and I'm feeling a mix of it all at once simultaneously.

Anger at myself, denial that this is so, pleading for salvation, and fleeting on the shores of depression. In a year of many terrible occurrences, you were one of the major bright spots Jung. You brought cheer, company, companionship, pleasure, warmth, humour, and most of all love to me. For a time it seemed things would be good, but time and again I disappointed you. My ultimate failings.

Perhaps its true that line you say about why people dislike me so much. With my tendency to hurt those closest to me, for selfish paltry reasons. Its almost inhuman, the pain and agony I put you through. You held on in spite of it all, you were loyal, demure and loving throughout. I was a fool. The ultimate fool. And now it seems the fool has lost you, perhaps forever.

Is this truly the end? The end of all that we have amounted to, our laughs, our inside jokes, our warmth, your lips and touch, the sound of your voice, the sweet expressions you'd use to do? The bits of Thai, Jap and Viet all now a lingering memory. Our sacrilege. Our good night kisses. Our family ties. Gone for naught.

Hate is always such a strong word. It hits with the force of a locomotive, puncturing deep and bleeding me out. The pain is real, the regret is greater. The pain amplified only to greater heights as you cut me off from all means of communication. Gone was our links through pictures, and chat boxes, statuses and scribbles. The sense of loss is all too acute, and all too familiar.

CY we've had this discussion before, and you're a fucking idiot. Time and again you've failed in your charge. This time as he leaves its different from before. Theres no emotive gestures, only a void and coldness greets me. My pleadings fall on deaf ears. I've hurt him one time too many. And none of the previous laughs or tenderness could change that. He always gave me room into his heart, now it was sealed away.

So much conflict and turmoil. A part of me wants to pursue, to salvage and mend the tattered bruised and tendered relic called trust. Another part of me cant help but feel he deserves better. Maybe if I truly cared, I would let go. I don't know anymore.

Will we ever see each other again? Will you ever find it in your heart to forgive me? Can we even stay friends? Will you ever take me back?

These questions will haunt me forever. That and the ever emotive, "what if?" You'd found happiness again, then you lost it. You were very likely the One, and I squandered it all away and no amount of tears can make up for the pain I've put you through.

Till then, I shall focus on becoming a better person and remember the lessons you have taught me. You inspired me to be a better person, and indeed for the most part I believed it was so. Alas, I failed you miserably, but a part of you will always live on in my heart and in my broken memories. I dream of you every night and day and it kills me. I know at the very least, my love and care for you wasn't false, and every kiss and every sigh were true emotions brought to the fore.

At least I'll always remember. That time when we used to love.

I miss you dearly Jung. You'll ever be my shadow companion.

"世界上最远的距离不是生与死的距离 而是我站在你面前你不知道我爱你"