When Men Change

Contrary to the title, changing here does not involve a change of clothes so don't expect a sexy seductive write up of those sort of matters. The title here mostly refers to a change of hearts in men. I for one am especially sensitive and alert to my men whenever they have such changes. It usually starts gradually, subtly and is usually quite obvious. Then they abruptly become quite different from before.

It usually is quite obvious when you're no longer their prime target. The messages dull, the kisses stop, the effort becomes incrementally less. And yet some hold on, putting in the minimal bare bones of effort to string you along for the ride as their insurance while they date around and test drive other prospective targets thinking you'll always stay for them. Taking you for granted. Thinking they can deceive through lies involving great amounts of work or other assorted excuses of being tired and what have you.

And then of course their "friends" become more and more important. Which friend? Hell that's a mystery to all. Random bits of tea time and fancy meals and even fancier places begin to appear in their social media. They make sly implied assertions as to who they are with. They tweet their betrayals without realising their silent audience and those they've left behind. Male ego, their ultimate downfall. Their belief in their inability to ever fall. Ever thinking themselves the master manipulators.

Then of course there are those fools that misuse the word love. Oh so very many of them. In the height of their passions they throw the word so casually as if to bind you under their feeble spell. But a man of my experience knows all too well half of these naive children or manipulative men use it as part of their game of knives and daggers meaning so little for using so loaded a word. Appalling. Such is the death of love I'd say.

Without trust, there is no foundation for any relationship. There is only constant suspicion and worry. I think I've come to the point in my life where I crave something more anchored, less temporal like the random screws with the slags and the skanks of the circle. But it's a shame really, you have all these lost boys with their commitment issues and their second heads doing all the thinking for them still, never realising what they have or had all along. I'm tired. I'm cynical. My optimism dims bit by bit.

If he lies to me again, its over and I leave. A lie of omission is still a lie, dishonestly made no matter how one may justify it as a half truth to begin with. I'm unimpressed. You look set to be another disappointment in a list of disappointments. Just another abuser of the L word, so casually thrown. I knew I shouldn't have let you in. We'll see who stays soon, and who goes, you or I.

Reunion With The Dead

How do you react upon seeing someone who was once the love of your life reappear in your life after a full year? There was a great deal of mixed feelings and awkward moments but he eventually opened up to me. I tried to avoid the topic of relationships because the past should remain the past but you know it would eventually come to it. He still wouldn't tell me the reasons he left but at least we're talking. I guess that's more than enough for me. At least we're sorta friends again, if only marginally. And yes his boyfriend is deleting and blocking me from every chat network left in the system so fuck him.

When it came time to say good bye the old tears that I'd held back so long welled up. He hugged me, told me not to be sad anymore. How could I not, a part of me cared for him still. He was my first love after all, and here was London, the city we'd loved in and made our hopes and dreams in.

Apparently we're partying together tomorrow. I'm not sure it's a good thing. I've drank too much tonight already and my typing is becoming a tad shit but I'm trying my level best to type in a sane competent manner. I shouldn't have drunk this much, its making me miss him more than I need to and more than he deserves. Fuck I miss him. Tonight just confirms it.

I hope we don't end up fucking though. I can't take this level of emotional crazy. I'm sorta taken after all, I need to cut my links with the past but here I am in London with the ex doing the stupid shit I only dreamed off when we broke up a year ago. So help me, we shall not fuck because it'd complicate things. Please. Please.

I love you still.

Update: Nah actually I don't. Must stop writing drunken posts.

Bi-Phobic Gay Guys

So I was scrolling through a number of gay blogs around cyber space when I stumbled upon this really cute and sweet looking Singaporean gay couple. So I went about reading through their entries feeling all "diabetical" from the severe amounts of sweetness until I came across an entry of theirs. It was hate filled and generalised in its nature.

Yes folks its a bi bashing entry.

Believe me, I take enough shit from the straight community as it is sometimes. But then having all these petty, bitchy, dainty, dramatic fairies talking smack about bi lads being unreliable, hedonistic serial heart breakers in the most generalised of fashions make me roll my eyes a little and go "well fuck you too mate".

Now really, I'm aware there are plenty of dicks that are among bi guys. Hell there are plenty of douchebags and losers in both straight and gay circles too. So how dare you lot seek to associate and tar brush an entire sexual orientation based on your personal over dramatized experiences. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves really. I actually have gay friends that bitch about me to their other gay friends warning them about me being bi and therefore being unreliable for any long term happiness. Oh fuck you lot really, that's next level two faced behaviour there. News always travels and I will come to know of it whether you realise it or not.

Then there's the other bullshit attitude of "bi erasure". The attitude that bi people don't and cannot actually exist. Again these wankers think that just because they were born liking boys or girls exclusively, everyone must therefore line up in their neat little ideas of reality and subscribe to only their perception of what humans are attracted to. The height of arrogance and ignorance I should say.

Oh you're just confused. 
You're just gay in denial.
 I don't believe in bi people. 
You'll become gay eventually.

How about no. No, no, no. I like how you lot deny my attraction to females as me being confused or in denial. It implies that I am incapable of making cogent decisions and am impaired in my faculties. I'm perfectly aware of myself thank you.

In a world where there is enough hate towards gay and transgendered people, I don't need pink bigots telling me how to live my life or calling my set of attractions wrong or belittling my sexual identity. You expect the straight world not to judge you and yet you lot judge a subset of your very own LGBT community. That is not to say all gay people do this obviously. Just a far too sizeable proportion of them, unfortunately. Stupid has no boundaries I guess, across borders, nations and sexual identities.

PS: If any of you terasa, tersinggung or perasan its quite possible that you are guilty by association. 

Omega

My spirit is sapped, exams have been ongoing for most of the month and I'm exhausted. Think I may have made a fatal flaw and doomed a client. If after all my efforts I still don't make it in this field then well, I guess it was not meant to be. All the prestige and time and money spent here can be conveniently flushed down the toilet although I reckon the tangible skills I've gained here will invariably prove useful.

Lady Gaga is coming to perform songs from her new album just down the road from where I live. I have an exam the following day so fuck me seriously. I have wanted to catch Mother Monster since last year when I was bugging my ex to take me to her damned concert in London. Looks like she and I are just not meant to be. I guess I'll just have to catch her in Singapore some time then seeing as Malaysia has its knickers in a bundle perpetually when it comes to her or indeed anything homosexual related.

Lately I've been watching a set of disturbing videos as well. The prime video of concern is called "The Road to World War 3" and it's talking about how recent events are slowly leading towards those events. Normally I'd brush off people like these as fringe nuts but when you consider all his theories and explanations it starts to make frightening sense. For instance, the maker of the video talks about how Iran is being targeted by the Western powers due to it trying to break free from the US dollar's grip over petrol prices. So what happens is the West then proceeds to destabilize Syria and will attempt to try to get into Syria to involve Iran. What's scary is the video was made in September 2012. Now nearly a year later the British Parliament is debating whether to launch a war in Syria and the USA is already gleefully announcing their intention to get involved.

Oh and China and Russia are standing by Iran on strong terms. An attack on Syria and Iran could be the flashpoint of Armageddon as we know it. In a secular sense of course because I'm obviously anything but religious. But the implications are horrifying and it scares me just to think of it. Check out the video below.

And if you'd all rather care about Milley Cyrus being a skank then well, good on you. The sad reality is people are easy to manipulate and control because they care far too little about world affairs. In light of all this global politics, Malaysian politics suddenly seems so very small and insignificant. Truly, I am ever slightly worried. 

Outed to the Family

I have just recently gotten back from a short trip around Europe with the family. They paid me a visit here in London you see and we decided to all have a merry adventure for a change after being separated for so long. It was in this interim period during their stay in London that my sexuality became known to them. I guess it wasn't too wise of me to make phone calls to a boy at night continuously for multiple nights in a row but suffice to say, they know.

Oddly enough my dad is rather alright with it. He was far more calm and accepting about the news than I'd have thought. Mother on the other hand went into abject silence and wasn't taking it too well. I could sense the disappointment and guilt and sadness emanating from her. Think she questioned whether sending me overseas was the right thing to do after all. Odd, I was always under the impression of my mom being the chilled one and my dad being the anti gay. Funny how the reality of the matter is.

All things considered I think they're taking it relatively well. Told them about my past love and how I lost it. Emphasized to them I still liked girls and that seems to have relieved my mom a whole ton and she has since began to talk a whole lot more about girls to me. I think she's trying to go into denial about the other side of me and just hope I get a girlfriend soon. The Korean girl that I met in a gay club and introduced to my parents a couple of weeks ago is currently the constant subject that they focus on. She got along well with my mom so I guess that's a good sign but I'm just not entirely feeling it with her.

Life probably won't quite be the same again. They will probably be suspicious of every male friend I bring over home for a sleepover or what not from now onwards. They'll probably scrutinise my every interaction with my male friends for signs of excessive affection too. I guess they'll just have to live with the reality of who I am. Ultimately, I am still their son and they are still my parents. Our love for each other doesn't change because of my preferences and it shouldn't. Maybe in time it will only make us closer.

I am who I am. Bisexual and proud.

Topping

When I was younger, I always saw myself in an exclusively bottom/submissive position in a relationship or in sexual trysts and liaisons. The men in my life tended to reflect this general disposition of mine. Over the years though I discovered the other side of me, the ability to actually put my male tools to proper use for a change. It comes to no surprise that I have grown pretty fond of the alternative acts, but it does come with a slight problem. Premature explosions.

Now really I'm all up for dandy good times and rolling in the hay but whenever I reach Cloud 9 within a few minutes of insertion it always eats at my ego and is usually an embarrassing experience for both parties. Granted that my usual top sessions are relatively few and far between when I haven't had myself some action in some time, it may be fair to take those factors into consideration with my inability to cope with the heat and pleasure.

That is not to say I haven't occasionally found myself going beyond my usual median threshold but suffice to say it'd be good if I could perform without apprehensions and constantly having to worry about early fireworks. I reckon it's usually when I've exhausted my earlier reserves that I find myself performing relatively longer although if that is a prerequisite to every bout in bed that is rather sad really.

I reckon what I need is a relatively consistent bottom partner to train myself on a perpetual basis to hone my skills and tolerance so that the next time I engage in the acts of pleasure giving (as opposed to constantly being on the receiving end) I can at least perform to the level of a competent male. Because fuck me, I'm in my 20s. Time to buck up.

After experiencing the best of both worlds I have to say being the assertive partner in sexual encounters can be quite a challenge seeing as you carry the weight of the whole experience and contribute to the overall rhythm of the act. Although on a plus point the mess is far less contentious to deal with and you don't have to worry about any serious sores the day after.

If anyone has some tips and pointers to share on how to improve in being a top I'm all ears. Male ego cast aside and all that jazz. Shoot away lads. Figuratively speaking of course.

Alvin and Vivian Ramadhan Controversy

Recently the controversial duet Alvivi (of NUS sex video fame) posted a picture up on the consumption of a famous pork based soup dish in mockery of the breaking of fast for the month of Ramadhan. This has obviously led to alot of upset feelings amongst the Malay/Muslim community of Malaysia due to the obvious mockery of their religion and customs (pork is banned from consumption by Muslims if you have been living under a rock).

Naturally with race relations being so rocky after the election, their series of actions have led to an inevitable firestorm of sentiment and anger. And naturally our government and politicians are rattling their sabres and knives screaming for the blood of these two now, demanding the most serious of legal actions be taken against them.

Today they have finally posted an apology video:



 Now the thing about this Alvivi couple is that I generally find myself in support of most of their previous actions as questionable morally as it may be. When they argued for liberal values of having the right to showcase to all and sundry their sexual prowess and to discuss frankly and openly sexuality without fear I was genuinely on their side. I have even read most of Alvin's postings and write ups both legal and political and found myself sharing his point of view more often than not. He was after all a law student at the National University of Singapore at one point, and his rebellious streak and decision to stand by his unorthodox principles no matter the cost made me respect him, albeit subtly and discretely.

And then he goes full retard mode with this latest posting and I find myself slamming my face into my desk. Really now, if his idea is to play agent provocateur, he should have been smarter about it and should have seriously reconsidered his target parody hit. No really, for someone that has spent a fair deal of his life time growing up in Malaysia is he really so ignorant and stupid to not be aware of Muslim sensitivities and the level of backlash he and Vivian would receive?

Further, knowing him and his views, it is more likely than not that he intended to make a particular stand on purpose before back tracking from the legal forces that are about to come down hard upon him. His blatant disregard for the potential melt down in ethnic relations is downright irresponsible and idiotic and thank fuck he (apparently) recognises this too from his new pseudo-apology video. If this picture becomes the catalyst for any rise in violence or further degeneration of our Malaysian society along racial lines any collateral damage that results from his incompetent actions will lie squarely on his shoulders. I target Alvin here because he is clearly the brains of all operations and ideas while Vivian tends to be his convenient female accessory. The woman is barely competent in her grasp of the English language let alone the intricacies of political matters.

Oh Alvin, you've really outdone yourself this time. Stick to sexually liberating matters and keep your fingers out of religious politics before you get yourselves killed. Don't become like that other asshole Namewee which all the dipshit Chinese Nationalists in Malaysia seem to have such a hard on for. Yes, I dislike Namewee with a passion. Sod off if he's your messiah. And yes I'm Chinese but I think he's another vulgar twathead that is bereft of talent or class. I'm aware of the hypocrisy here with regards to vulgarity. Sue me.