Kimchi for the Heart

Meeting him again this time around was different, of that I was sure. He'd grown on me definitely more than I'd ever imagine. I could never fully appreciate the depth of his public display of affections, and yet this time I guess I did enjoy it some what. Walking under the rain in London's Chinatown under that single umbrella had a certain magic to it. This time around I did not push him away when he held me close in public view.

Have I been in Britain too long now that I could be all affectionate with a man here and not have to worry? No, it must have been the effect he had. He was a lot taller than I remember though. Well, I've always enjoyed looking up into a man's eyes anyway. How could I complain?

He'd chosen Cloud Atlas as the movie we'd see. The movie in and of itself was magic. I never realised what I was signing up for but the movie bred a variety of emotions within me indeed. I hid my tears from him during the gay romance scene in Edinburgh though. Too much memories and too reminiscent of the times when I'd used to love with Dr.K in that ancient Scottish city. Then I smiled because I realised the world had not ended yet, and here was someone else whom I could see myself being happy with. But would I be happy for long? Every time I permitted myself that luxury the fantasy would come crashing down so fast. XC and Dr.K had both given me that brief taste of happiness once, how would this one compare?

I'm having a prestigious dining session with my colleagues and I'd chosen him to come with me. He'd be the one I'd show to my friends and peers. He'd be the one I wouldn't be ashamed of I reckon. But how did he feel of me for a change? I find myself confused still, to what extent do I occupy his thoughts, heart and mind? We've got a musical booked up soon, Wicked. I'd wanted to watch it since forever too. Funny, all the things I thought I'd do in London with the ex will now be fulfilled with him. Is he a replacement? No, no he's definitely gone beyond that threshold.

I certainly hope I won't break down and cry when he leaves this city for good. I can imagine potentially how empty London will feel once he's gone. So if we do love, I reckon it'd be temporal, brief and passionate, and those would probably be the ones that stick with us forever. The remnants we most treasure. Maybe some day I'd see him again in Seoul or Singapore or Kuala Lumpur, wherever destiny takes us. It led me back to him after all, twice now. Fate is funny that way.

The Best Friend

We've all had that one straight best friend whom we once had quite the crush over as we were growing up. They'd be the untouchable fantasy, the forbidden fruit that we never could wrap our lips around. And we'd love them more for it somehow, I reckon due to them liking us and caring for us without any ulterior motive whatsoever. There's just a certain chivalry that makes one go fan girl for a caring straight friend that we can relate with. And then you grow up and you realise fantasy is all that will ever be, but friendships that matter will hopefully last forever.

I remember being smitten over my best friend once when we were young and in High School. Given that I had thought I was mostly straight the new flood of emotions proved rather confusing for me. I'd always been into women with some slight curiousity for men by the side when I was younger so the new passionate pangs of attraction proved to be rather...curious. And yes I remember being a tad touchy feely and "manja-ish" which may have even made him a touch uncomfortable back then.

Fast forward to the future, years down the road he's still my best friend but our relationship has evolved. He has a girl now, the love of his life that I have to share him with. I no longer like him in that way, but I still love him like the brother I never had. He knows all about me now, and my preferences for both genders and he doesn't judge. Of that I truly am proud. Proud to have a straight bestie that jokingly flirts with me in the most bromantic of fashions, that puts up with my rants and sighs about the boys in my life, that comforts me when I am facing heart break and continues to balance me in his competing schedules with life and his girl friend. For that I truly am blessed I reckon.

The other day whilst talking to his girl I referred to the bestie as our boyfriend and she chuckled. Heh, how times have changed. Even his mother refers to me as her son's original girlfriend. So tell me then, do you lot have similar bromances in your lives? I know I've found mine, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Thanks bruv, love you.

PS: It's snowing again. <3

When London met Melbourne

Returning to London after a week in Malaysia I found myself running through the events of the past week and all that had transpired. I'd finally met him, the boy I spent my waking hours and late nights on for the last couple of months. It was almost too good to be true and I didn't really believe what was happening. He did not hesitate with an immediate hug that was a long time coming. Warm, tender as I imagined it in the flesh.

We spent time throughout his birthday and Valentine's. I offered my meager gift. It fit, I was glad. But with these series of meetings came reality too. I was not the Prince Charming of our fantasies. I was not the deliverer of infinite affection expected. All I was as it turned out may have been quite different from what we pictured.

I'm not the most affectionate person initially, I am apprehensive and keep myself guarded. I guess he noticed, he was guarded too. We've both had our share of heartbreaks and screw overs and were undoubtedly cautious. I'm also an apprehensive person with displays of affection. It takes time but eventually I do showcase my affections, but I keep them minimal to mean something. That is until I fall hard. Guess he noticed too, how distant I was physically.

I know for a fact I didn't do some or all things as well or as sweet as I knew I could or should. That came from both our uncertainties and worries over the future, the fickleness of human hearts and the unbearably long periods of subsequent separation and distance. Once someone matters and a degree of certainty kicks in, I would sail the ends of the earth for them. I guess he wasn't too sure, and as a result neither was I.

We met one last time before I left though. Was mostly filled with much melancholy and underlying sorrow of reality. I'm not as brave or sorted as Jason who would have done everything in his power to narrow the distance and invest significant time, resources and effort into making his relationship work with Vincent. So the boy made the tough decisions I never could, and moved beyond the status quo and made his decision. I was never any good with goodbyes, and they were filled with tears and final hugs and kisses. I wonder, if in time I'll come to wonder if I had wished in another life that I had made you stay, that you'd be the one that got away. I may never know, but then again neither would you.

Truth of the matter is we're two lost souls still finding ourselves, and looking for the love we both deserve. We're still sifting through our individual scars of the past and making sense of the senselessness of human emotions. We're ultimately both in the pursuit of happiness perhaps not realising that happiness was always there, in contentment. He spoke sense though, about us starting from distance and returning to distance for years to come.

He deserves someone that will be there for him in the flesh, to wipe away his tears, kiss away his fears and hold him tight all night telling him everything would be okay. I'm not that person. A part of me wishes I was, but perhaps the way things have turned out it was for the best. Least we met, and I will never have any regrets wondering and wishing what if I had just flown back. We all have our expectations, but some day reality will hit. And ultimately we will have to decide what to do with it.

I miss you, and I do care. If you want me to, I'll be there. Banana, Dancerboy, Teddy. Thank you for everything. Go forth and shine..

The Reject

I turned down a lad recently and he's not taking it too well it would seem. It begun as a platonic series of chats I would have over the Jack'd app like most of us usually would when he decides to add me over Skype and Whatsapp. Fair enough, I'm all for making friends and what not. Said person proceeds to message far beyond what constitutes friendly borders and I reply within the platonic confines I'm obligated to.

Then the kisses start coming in. Bloody hell, warning lights start going off there. I tend to be friendly and listen to people's problems and entertain them but sometimes these signals get mistaken for interest. No, just no. If I were interested I would have gone the extra mile by now. So I do what any sane, reasonable and moderately considerate human being would do at that time and tell him the truth, that I see him as a friend and that I have people in my life already.

So he goes into the whole "yes okay I understand" and "wish you guys the best" kind of tone and I would have thought the matter was settled. Until I start seeing all these passive aggressive statuses popping up all over the place on Skype and Whatsapp and even on Jack'd about how I broke his heart and led him on. You have got to be fucking me. Here are some gems to go by:

Someone like you, but better.

Should have seen it coming, should have seen him playing.

Just had my heart broken by a boy that led me on.

If your heart is being broken this easily you might want to reassess your general mental and emotional fortitude and start jogging it up to the level of a functional human being. I've been dumped unceremoniously by the love of my life for another and cut off from him altogether before. That's heartbreak. And I picked up the pieces and moved on and made something of my life. Don't wallow in self pity and guilt for fuck's sakes. We've never even met and have only talked over Skype once Jesus.

I obviously voice my displeasure at him and he then profusely apologizes and said it was made in the heat of his "anger and sadness". How dare you get angry at me over rejecting you? I have no obligation to give you anything especially having never developed feelings for you or leading you on to begin with. Goes into a tirade to justify his actions which I promptly ignore. And then finally he puts this new gem on his Skype today:

GONE. Not around any longer.

Good on you mate, that you need to tell all and sundry. Now sod off and leave me be. I've got enough on my plate with my course and with regards to my love life. I'm returning to see someone soon and need no further complications at the moment.

Life in Motion

Apologies for the stagnation and decay of the blog but the vicissitudes of life will sometimes take precedent. Combined with a severe case of writer's block and a disgusting workload it's no shocker that there are bound to be limited updates. Not that I am disappointing anyone tangible given my silent reader base. They're there, lurking just ever quietly so I can slip up and write my mouth off. Not today.

I am returning for the first Chinese New Year's in a long long while. The heart quivers with anticipation and longing to finally be able to see my kin, my closest and dearest once again. Every year Chinese New Year has been marred with exams and the shitty weather dear Britain is all too happy to throw my way.

This year I've been graced by forces beyond my control or comprehension with a week long holiday combined with my generous weekends to allow for a quick excursion back. Bloody joy I'd say. I've had my appointment cards filled to the brim and I'm just glad I can see the Australian students for a change given their inverse seasons and schedules of being on the wrong half of the hemisphere. I jest bitches, calm your tits.

Speaking of Australian students there will be one in particular I would be honoured to meet. It's been a long time coming, but I hope I will live up to expectations and we'd mingle like we always do. I still care, I'm still excited in my own way but we all have our apprehensions now don't we? Conveniently I'll be home for Valentines so no lovey dovey celebrations in London I'm afraid, but who needs setting over an individual to share it with eh? Potentially of course, can't forget the disclaimers. One can only hope the feeling's still mutual.

The course is kicking into full gear now, they don't grant holidays without demanding some blood and God damn it are they sending fire and brimstone my way. You buy your holidays with proper sweat and tears I'm afraid. That doesn't mean my social life has to take a complete hike of course, it just means I get to feel that much guiltier after.

This recent weekend was a rather interesting one with the UK's largest federation of Malaysian students organising this big conference like they'd always do year in and out where political big wigs, social activists, and corporate high horses get to prance around on stage and dispense in fancy dialogue whilst students fire away with questions. Last year even had the Seksualiti Merdeka's activist Pang Khee Teik talking which I thought was a rather bold move.

This year was supposed to have some ministers duking it out but with the elections being so close no political party would take the risk of leaving the country. At least we had ourselves Raja Petra, charming heh. Probably best for me to leave my politics out of this blog before all and sundry know my identity. But yes, the event was good I would say, occupied my weekend with more worries and irritations from home.

 I think I've indulged myself sufficiently now and quenched my guilt with this obligatory blog post. I shall now have to appease the guilt of more procrastinated work piling. I wonder if I'd be a bigger success story if I channeled my skills in an organised and structured fashion. I guess I would not be me then if that were the case now eh. Hope this blog doesn't end up in hibernation again.

Rape

The call came in at 7 in the morning just as I was finally going to get myself some shut eye. I knew I couldn't deny a friend in need, not now after all I'd come to know. He came in weary, tired, deflated. The spirit had dimmed in his eyes. And then he relayed his story. His shame. His guilt.

Rape against women is a subject that has been extensively studied and the female victim often receives extensive support from society at large and their family and friends. But male victims are often hushed up, silenced and relegated to the sidelines. They bear their burdens in abject silence, and fear, alone and sullen.

Here was a friend who bore the marks, whom had suffered greatly. It has been a month since the attack, and his confidence, self esteem and worth had been utterly shattered. I consoled as best I could, I learned of the near suicidal attempts to jump into the River Thames and I could only imagine the horrors and trepidations of the victim. Imagine, but never fully comprehend.

Rape fantasies are one thing, but at least I always knew I still had control. In the brief periods in my bedsheet trysts whenever I thought a man would not stop, I'd always have a brief flicker of fear but it would always calm down when they backed down and everything would relegate to good simple fun. Not my friend though, no. Held down against his will, drunk and bewildered by a stronger conscious man he could only submit. There was very nearly chloroform involved in the attempt and he could only pray he would come out in one piece alive by the night's end. His saving grace was that the bareback entry had not ended in a climax, and he had quietly snuck out when the bastard fell asleep.

This is a precautionary tale, of why you do not leave your friends alone at the club or bar especially after a night out when everyone is pissed drunk. Its a shame really that the westerners don't take greater care of their friends in times like these. And it alarms me that the rapist was an East Asian man whom perpetrated this violent sexual assault, bareback if I might add, on my white friend. It shows that the face of evil know no bounds and could be anyone.

I tried encouraging him to make his police report, to prosecute the monster in court. But the things we learn about the victims in criminal classes just rung true. The fear, the fatigue, the intimidation of facing the attacker once more. All of this stood to silence the victims into quiet submission. How tragic. But if I could inspire in him one thing, from all these events, it would be to press formal charges and put this monster behind bars and realise that he has played his part in saving others from becoming victims in the future and would restore at least some self worth once more.

No time for petty love triangles at this time, right now I have a friend in need.

Living the New Years

Had myself a short hiatus as I was over in the Netherlands and some other Euro countries for abit. What happens in Amsterdam stays in Amsterdam as they say. I must say I was relatively well behaved over there which is quite the contrary of what people go to Sin City for. Oh well. I came out to my other close friend throughout the trip because I grew tired of whispering with the other travel buddy about boys and just decided to fuck it. If close friends still mind after all these years of knowing me they don't deserve to be friends of mine. So yea, I was just glad they were so accepting and I could just be open about meeting boys over Jack'd whilst on travels without coming up with creative excuses.

New Years was a bit of a nightmare because we had all gone to see fireworks by the London Eye. An old primary school classmate joined us this time around and she asked me a few times if I was slightly bent. Am I getting more obvious with age? She has hinted some liking for me otherwise, even shared the same bed on the last night although nothing happened. That'd be a barrel of controversy if people knew heh.

Oh yes New Years was supposed to be fireworks then dragging my straight friends for a round of gay clubbing in London because they are open enough for that. Unfortunately the promoters at Heaven were slightly hostile that night and gave the gays a bad name in my friend's eyes. Asked me to fuck off it seems. Maybe cause I was with girls? Well fuck you too. Clubs were all full anyway since we were being retarded pre drinking till pretty late at my crib.

And yes hell broke lose after the fireworks when everyone began pushing and shoving to go home. My female friend nearly got attacked by some assholes in the crowd and I had to hug her tight as we waded a wall of human traffic. A couple of dicks wanted to start a fight with me too but fortunately I managed to evade conflict there. Wouldn't want to bring the Bar into disrepute now even though fighting legal providers would be awesome.

Jumping ahead of time for abit, had myself some exams yesterday before heading out to celebrate a birthday party with some colleagues. Was walking back around Chinatown when we took a bend around this gay bar there to get on the trains home. And I just had to bump into some gay friends, bugger me. Thought my friend was going to kiss me there in public with my colleagues there so I gave a very direct stare and he nodded before just giving me a hand shake. Think my fellow lawyers noticed my immediate tension since I was shaking hands with random boys outside a famous gay bar. Shit. But I had legit worries since this fellow had a tendency to give me random kisses all the damn time anyway.

So after splitting with my straight mates I naturally returned to the gay bar and apologized for my slight awkwardness. Next thing I know I'm at Heaven again and bumping into some Korean guy I used to go on date movies with. And yes everything thereafter becomes abit of a blur as the alcohol worked its way into my system. Go imagine what happens.

Finally a toast to 2012, one of the best and worst years of my life. The year I grew in influence, the year I graduated, the year I found love, the year I entered professional training, the year I became a political activist, the year I had my heart broken, and the year I found myself. Wherever you are now my first love, I wish you all the best.