Dear J, it has been quite the ride and though its come to this I wish you nothing but the best. You're an accomplished young man, reaching above your weight and have gone through your fair share of difficult family moments and tough times of the heart.
I hope you find yourself some day, and that you'd enjoy eventual work in JP Morgan. Perhaps I may not have lived up to the standards you have hoped for, but I suppose in some ways you did not meet mine too.
We both tried, you and I. But as usual distance and weariness and fatigue has crept in. Promise me you'll be a more positive person in the future and try not to be too blunt towards those that care for you in the future. There have been many hurtful things said by you in our short adventure together but perhaps someone else will be able to better handle these things.
Perhaps what you really were looking for was a father figure absent from the troubled personal issues of your childhood. I am unable to offer patronage but I can offer partnership. Evidently that is not what you desire, not at this time. We speak different love languages. I suppose we are just very different people.
After tonight, I sense a degree of finality and closure to this undefined thing we've had, for what it was worth. It was a good month, I was genuinely happy for a change. Alas, all good things will sway and turn, as with the bad. I still believe, I still have faith, but I know for a change what it is I want.
I'd like for once in my life not to play second fiddle to any body.
To be the one that is loved most by those I love.
Whether its Reece or Yang or Sean or whoever the fuck comes around to replace me as they seem to do, I'd like to be the one for a change.
But I'm not the one. But someday for someone, perhaps I will be.
And when that day comes, I'd like to be the best boyfriend I can be for whoever the right one is. Every failed endeavour is a lesson learned.
I'll miss you and I'm sure you'd miss me too in your own way.
But I do know as you do too that I don't love you, just as you never loved me. I know exactly what you meant, though I'd never admit it, for I have been in love before. But I do care, for what it was worth.
For what it was worth.
Take care buddy. Pal. </3
Sunday, 1 October 2017
Monday, 18 September 2017
Trials and Tribulations
Life has been a wild concoction of the bitter and the sweet in recent times. I've tasted peace, new hope and bright beginnings, and I've felt the crushing weight of reality and disappointment brought to bear. I know only in my heart of hearts that through persistence and with one foot following another, do I come out stronger and wiser than the day before, through trials of fire and tribulations of pain.
Its been a wild year for what it was worth, new potential love affairs, snuffed out almost as soon as they would have began. Old hopes and dreams resurfacing only to be dashed. Each one a bitter pill but an immersive lesson. We are all works in progress, and I've had my share of regrets. But at the very least throughout the course of the year, I've had few regrets due to one simple reason: that I have tried.
Unlike prior, at least I go with the peace of mind that in each failed endeavor, in each broken love affair, in each failed career move, I have reached for it and I have tried to the best of my ability and with that I can hold my head up high in a mixture of pride and carry myself with my dignity intact. In the mixed bag, came new beginnings: not all efforts turned out in vain.
I've been promoted, my career path has borne fruit and I am now pursuing dreams I never quite thought possible a year before. As I sit here in Shanghai, typing this story on this melancholic night, I reflect on the blessings that have been bestowed upon me from the damnation of the previous year. I am grateful, to the friends and family that stood by me through times of pain and times of sorrow. I have come to embrace anguish not as a weakness, but an old friend that pushes me through to do better and undo the mistakes of the past.
Gene, I did try my best to make up for my previous mistakes. I knew not what I intended with the trip up north, but I knew I had to see you once again just to be sure. It is clear to me now that I no longer occupy that previously held precious space in your heart. I blame you not, I've wronged you in ways you never should have experienced. These regrets of mine, I carry with me always as a reminder of what I lost and what I can be in the future.
With a lot of pain I have embraced the reality you no longer want me, but I do appreciate your friendship for what it is worth. SY really did take everything from me, and replaced everything I'd meant. Perhaps someday, I'd be like Josh to you and you would freely show me some measure of affection again. For now, on my part at least there will always be the residual pain, of the loss you. And the loss of me.
I'll always be there for you. Though time might take us into different places, I would still be patient with you. I've been through your worst, you might not trust me entirely for the rest of your life, but you can trust that I did love you in my own broken way. Fucked as I was. This much I do hope you can trust. Your former bear.
And on that other note:
Sam, it is sad that our long standing friendship has come to this. I trusted you, and loved you as a brother. Shit has happened. Our friendship has irrevocably changed and I might never properly trust you again. In some ways, I now understand how Gene felt. Karmic twist of fate I suppose. It is a shame, we've had good times. But I no longer am sure I want to associate with you.
I do try to hold faith and see the good in all adverse things that happen in my life, and this week you have tested that. In time I might forgive you, but you will never be one of my best friends again. I'm sorry, but what you've done is unacceptable to me. All who know me know I can forgive nearly anything. This time, I can't. Not with the way you have carried yourself, and so you will show me the respect I am due for holding unto my decision. I was never good at good byes, but perhaps with age I have grown better.
And lastly, J. Whatever am I to do with you. I know not, but for tonight, sleep on this I will.
Perhaps Shanghai will do me well, perhaps in due time I'd leave behind my old life, and taking only the crucial lessons and memories that have shaped the core of my being as I know it today. Of that I am proud.
Its been a wild year for what it was worth, new potential love affairs, snuffed out almost as soon as they would have began. Old hopes and dreams resurfacing only to be dashed. Each one a bitter pill but an immersive lesson. We are all works in progress, and I've had my share of regrets. But at the very least throughout the course of the year, I've had few regrets due to one simple reason: that I have tried.
Unlike prior, at least I go with the peace of mind that in each failed endeavor, in each broken love affair, in each failed career move, I have reached for it and I have tried to the best of my ability and with that I can hold my head up high in a mixture of pride and carry myself with my dignity intact. In the mixed bag, came new beginnings: not all efforts turned out in vain.
I've been promoted, my career path has borne fruit and I am now pursuing dreams I never quite thought possible a year before. As I sit here in Shanghai, typing this story on this melancholic night, I reflect on the blessings that have been bestowed upon me from the damnation of the previous year. I am grateful, to the friends and family that stood by me through times of pain and times of sorrow. I have come to embrace anguish not as a weakness, but an old friend that pushes me through to do better and undo the mistakes of the past.
Gene, I did try my best to make up for my previous mistakes. I knew not what I intended with the trip up north, but I knew I had to see you once again just to be sure. It is clear to me now that I no longer occupy that previously held precious space in your heart. I blame you not, I've wronged you in ways you never should have experienced. These regrets of mine, I carry with me always as a reminder of what I lost and what I can be in the future.
With a lot of pain I have embraced the reality you no longer want me, but I do appreciate your friendship for what it is worth. SY really did take everything from me, and replaced everything I'd meant. Perhaps someday, I'd be like Josh to you and you would freely show me some measure of affection again. For now, on my part at least there will always be the residual pain, of the loss you. And the loss of me.
I'll always be there for you. Though time might take us into different places, I would still be patient with you. I've been through your worst, you might not trust me entirely for the rest of your life, but you can trust that I did love you in my own broken way. Fucked as I was. This much I do hope you can trust. Your former bear.
And on that other note:
Sam, it is sad that our long standing friendship has come to this. I trusted you, and loved you as a brother. Shit has happened. Our friendship has irrevocably changed and I might never properly trust you again. In some ways, I now understand how Gene felt. Karmic twist of fate I suppose. It is a shame, we've had good times. But I no longer am sure I want to associate with you.
I do try to hold faith and see the good in all adverse things that happen in my life, and this week you have tested that. In time I might forgive you, but you will never be one of my best friends again. I'm sorry, but what you've done is unacceptable to me. All who know me know I can forgive nearly anything. This time, I can't. Not with the way you have carried yourself, and so you will show me the respect I am due for holding unto my decision. I was never good at good byes, but perhaps with age I have grown better.
And lastly, J. Whatever am I to do with you. I know not, but for tonight, sleep on this I will.
Perhaps Shanghai will do me well, perhaps in due time I'd leave behind my old life, and taking only the crucial lessons and memories that have shaped the core of my being as I know it today. Of that I am proud.
Wednesday, 20 July 2016
Acceptance
After grappling with denial, anger and depression it was refreshing for a change to be happy seeing you happy. It has not been easy, losing you and seeing you in the arms of another. I've had nightmares, and sleep deprivation and other assorted grief related symptoms you don't need to know of.
But tonight, I came to terms. I came to terms I wouldn't be getting you back in the foreseeable future and I understood I had to let you go. Seeing you happy, for once did not fill me with longing or jealousy but rather peace for a change. I know how I had hurt you and to see you mended and well, I smiled.
I don't want to be the psycho ex, the sort that has no ounce of dignity or self worth. The sort that obsesses and cries himself to sleep. The malicious vengeful sorta ex that is the butt end of every unspeakable joke. I just want to be remembered as a person who was once special to you, who made an impact in some good ways and that you once loved.
I understand now, peace and closure come from within. My hopes and dreams have been adjusted, as I bid you a sorrowful farewell. Perhaps in the far future, we'd meet again like old friends and share our joint experiences in our sunset years. We'd appreciate the moments we had together once more and laugh at all the good and sad times we'd gone through together.
A part of me will always love you. I promise you this.
I'm going now Jun, it's time to leave.
I wish you well. I always have. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. And now you are.
Fare ye well beloved, till we meet again in this life or the next.
You have my heart, you always did. But I have to move on now.
จำไว้นะ ครั้งหนึ่งเราเคยรักกัน
But tonight, I came to terms. I came to terms I wouldn't be getting you back in the foreseeable future and I understood I had to let you go. Seeing you happy, for once did not fill me with longing or jealousy but rather peace for a change. I know how I had hurt you and to see you mended and well, I smiled.
I don't want to be the psycho ex, the sort that has no ounce of dignity or self worth. The sort that obsesses and cries himself to sleep. The malicious vengeful sorta ex that is the butt end of every unspeakable joke. I just want to be remembered as a person who was once special to you, who made an impact in some good ways and that you once loved.
I understand now, peace and closure come from within. My hopes and dreams have been adjusted, as I bid you a sorrowful farewell. Perhaps in the far future, we'd meet again like old friends and share our joint experiences in our sunset years. We'd appreciate the moments we had together once more and laugh at all the good and sad times we'd gone through together.
A part of me will always love you. I promise you this.
I'm going now Jun, it's time to leave.
I wish you well. I always have. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. And now you are.
Fare ye well beloved, till we meet again in this life or the next.
You have my heart, you always did. But I have to move on now.
จำไว้นะ ครั้งหนึ่งเราเคยรักกัน
Saturday, 14 May 2016
Returning To Life Before You
Nearly 4 months on, the pain has numbed and the tears have mostly dried.
I still reflect upon our moments together from time to time. We've both disappointed each other, both made our share of mistakes, me more so than you, but I'd like to believe the love we had for each other was raw, real and true...flawed as it was.
Perhaps in another life, in some bizarre parallel universe where we were still happily together I would not have been so discrete. I would have shown more physical affection, displayed you proudly in my social media, hugged you tight and kissed you at our various airport reunions and departures, and travelled north far more often.
Perhaps I would have been more assuring, and trust worthy. Giving you the reassurances and security you always deserved but ultimately failed to have. It's a funny thing how fate works out, how a seemingly non threat turned out to be my replacement. But life's like this, full of twists, turns and unexpected results. I can't always have my way.
Had I had never called for that fateful Singaporean vacation, or suggested and encouraged those 6 weeks at NUS over Thailand, life would have taken a very different turn indeed.
It broke my heart you know, finding out these things. But he loves you dearly, at least from what I can tell. So long as he takes good care of you, makes you smile always and mends your broken heart, I guess I can live with that. I just wish we could have talked things out, and perhaps fought harder. The two of us, instead of giving up. Love is a conscious choice after all, feelings are so fleeting. You deserved better, you always did.
Mom and dad, they miss you too but even they tell me to move on. They say you'll always have a special place in their hearts too, that they considered you a son of theirs, the one boy they let into their household and planned a future with.
Touched my heart in some ways, knowing that the once adverse reaction my parents had to my coming out had evolved in such interesting ways. Perhaps some day your parents will too, and you'd both have the fairytale you'd always dreamed off.
And perhaps thats why it hurts so much. Knowing what we both lost. My temporal satisfactions have destroyed the dreams of what might have and could have been.
I'm coping better now, still working on self improvement, still stumbling along the way from time to time. I do wonder if you think of me some times, if you miss me but hide it deep within the recesses of your soul with the memories of yester-year.
Oh Jung, Sirapop, Toshy, Liusandri or whatever myriad names you have in the various languages you mastered, know that you meant a great deal to me as I must have meant to you once upon a dream too. Please, talk to me again some day at least. That'd be all I ask and perhaps more than I deserve.
But a boy can dream, and a boy can love.
But the boy's gotta grow up now. That dream is over, though I doubt my love for you would ever truly die. You made your imprint in my heart and etched yourself deep within the confines of my soul. I reckon there it'll always stay, whether I will it or not.
Sweet dreams Doc, some day you'll make me proud.
I miss you. From our first moments, to our last moments. Always.
いのちはつづく
I still reflect upon our moments together from time to time. We've both disappointed each other, both made our share of mistakes, me more so than you, but I'd like to believe the love we had for each other was raw, real and true...flawed as it was.
Perhaps in another life, in some bizarre parallel universe where we were still happily together I would not have been so discrete. I would have shown more physical affection, displayed you proudly in my social media, hugged you tight and kissed you at our various airport reunions and departures, and travelled north far more often.
Perhaps I would have been more assuring, and trust worthy. Giving you the reassurances and security you always deserved but ultimately failed to have. It's a funny thing how fate works out, how a seemingly non threat turned out to be my replacement. But life's like this, full of twists, turns and unexpected results. I can't always have my way.
Had I had never called for that fateful Singaporean vacation, or suggested and encouraged those 6 weeks at NUS over Thailand, life would have taken a very different turn indeed.
It broke my heart you know, finding out these things. But he loves you dearly, at least from what I can tell. So long as he takes good care of you, makes you smile always and mends your broken heart, I guess I can live with that. I just wish we could have talked things out, and perhaps fought harder. The two of us, instead of giving up. Love is a conscious choice after all, feelings are so fleeting. You deserved better, you always did.
Mom and dad, they miss you too but even they tell me to move on. They say you'll always have a special place in their hearts too, that they considered you a son of theirs, the one boy they let into their household and planned a future with.
Touched my heart in some ways, knowing that the once adverse reaction my parents had to my coming out had evolved in such interesting ways. Perhaps some day your parents will too, and you'd both have the fairytale you'd always dreamed off.
And perhaps thats why it hurts so much. Knowing what we both lost. My temporal satisfactions have destroyed the dreams of what might have and could have been.
I'm coping better now, still working on self improvement, still stumbling along the way from time to time. I do wonder if you think of me some times, if you miss me but hide it deep within the recesses of your soul with the memories of yester-year.
Oh Jung, Sirapop, Toshy, Liusandri or whatever myriad names you have in the various languages you mastered, know that you meant a great deal to me as I must have meant to you once upon a dream too. Please, talk to me again some day at least. That'd be all I ask and perhaps more than I deserve.
But a boy can dream, and a boy can love.
But the boy's gotta grow up now. That dream is over, though I doubt my love for you would ever truly die. You made your imprint in my heart and etched yourself deep within the confines of my soul. I reckon there it'll always stay, whether I will it or not.
Sweet dreams Doc, some day you'll make me proud.
I miss you. From our first moments, to our last moments. Always.
いのちはつづく
Saturday, 30 January 2016
Failings
Breaking up isn't exactly something you expect or anticipate. There's never a good timing and could happen at any time. It hits hard and painfully, you never really know how to react, and will be in a form of shock for a duration of time before reality hits. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The 5 stages of grief and I'm feeling a mix of it all at once simultaneously.
Anger at myself, denial that this is so, pleading for salvation, and fleeting on the shores of depression. In a year of many terrible occurrences, you were one of the major bright spots Jung. You brought cheer, company, companionship, pleasure, warmth, humour, and most of all love to me. For a time it seemed things would be good, but time and again I disappointed you. My ultimate failings.
Perhaps its true that line you say about why people dislike me so much. With my tendency to hurt those closest to me, for selfish paltry reasons. Its almost inhuman, the pain and agony I put you through. You held on in spite of it all, you were loyal, demure and loving throughout. I was a fool. The ultimate fool. And now it seems the fool has lost you, perhaps forever.
Is this truly the end? The end of all that we have amounted to, our laughs, our inside jokes, our warmth, your lips and touch, the sound of your voice, the sweet expressions you'd use to do? The bits of Thai, Jap and Viet all now a lingering memory. Our sacrilege. Our good night kisses. Our family ties. Gone for naught.
Hate is always such a strong word. It hits with the force of a locomotive, puncturing deep and bleeding me out. The pain is real, the regret is greater. The pain amplified only to greater heights as you cut me off from all means of communication. Gone was our links through pictures, and chat boxes, statuses and scribbles. The sense of loss is all too acute, and all too familiar.
CY we've had this discussion before, and you're a fucking idiot. Time and again you've failed in your charge. This time as he leaves its different from before. Theres no emotive gestures, only a void and coldness greets me. My pleadings fall on deaf ears. I've hurt him one time too many. And none of the previous laughs or tenderness could change that. He always gave me room into his heart, now it was sealed away.
So much conflict and turmoil. A part of me wants to pursue, to salvage and mend the tattered bruised and tendered relic called trust. Another part of me cant help but feel he deserves better. Maybe if I truly cared, I would let go. I don't know anymore.
Will we ever see each other again? Will you ever find it in your heart to forgive me? Can we even stay friends? Will you ever take me back?
These questions will haunt me forever. That and the ever emotive, "what if?" You'd found happiness again, then you lost it. You were very likely the One, and I squandered it all away and no amount of tears can make up for the pain I've put you through.
Till then, I shall focus on becoming a better person and remember the lessons you have taught me. You inspired me to be a better person, and indeed for the most part I believed it was so. Alas, I failed you miserably, but a part of you will always live on in my heart and in my broken memories. I dream of you every night and day and it kills me. I know at the very least, my love and care for you wasn't false, and every kiss and every sigh were true emotions brought to the fore.
At least I'll always remember. That time when we used to love.
I miss you dearly Jung. You'll ever be my shadow companion.
"世界上最远的距离不是生与死的距离 而是我站在你面前你不知道我爱你"
Anger at myself, denial that this is so, pleading for salvation, and fleeting on the shores of depression. In a year of many terrible occurrences, you were one of the major bright spots Jung. You brought cheer, company, companionship, pleasure, warmth, humour, and most of all love to me. For a time it seemed things would be good, but time and again I disappointed you. My ultimate failings.
Perhaps its true that line you say about why people dislike me so much. With my tendency to hurt those closest to me, for selfish paltry reasons. Its almost inhuman, the pain and agony I put you through. You held on in spite of it all, you were loyal, demure and loving throughout. I was a fool. The ultimate fool. And now it seems the fool has lost you, perhaps forever.
Is this truly the end? The end of all that we have amounted to, our laughs, our inside jokes, our warmth, your lips and touch, the sound of your voice, the sweet expressions you'd use to do? The bits of Thai, Jap and Viet all now a lingering memory. Our sacrilege. Our good night kisses. Our family ties. Gone for naught.
Hate is always such a strong word. It hits with the force of a locomotive, puncturing deep and bleeding me out. The pain is real, the regret is greater. The pain amplified only to greater heights as you cut me off from all means of communication. Gone was our links through pictures, and chat boxes, statuses and scribbles. The sense of loss is all too acute, and all too familiar.
CY we've had this discussion before, and you're a fucking idiot. Time and again you've failed in your charge. This time as he leaves its different from before. Theres no emotive gestures, only a void and coldness greets me. My pleadings fall on deaf ears. I've hurt him one time too many. And none of the previous laughs or tenderness could change that. He always gave me room into his heart, now it was sealed away.
So much conflict and turmoil. A part of me wants to pursue, to salvage and mend the tattered bruised and tendered relic called trust. Another part of me cant help but feel he deserves better. Maybe if I truly cared, I would let go. I don't know anymore.
Will we ever see each other again? Will you ever find it in your heart to forgive me? Can we even stay friends? Will you ever take me back?
These questions will haunt me forever. That and the ever emotive, "what if?" You'd found happiness again, then you lost it. You were very likely the One, and I squandered it all away and no amount of tears can make up for the pain I've put you through.
Till then, I shall focus on becoming a better person and remember the lessons you have taught me. You inspired me to be a better person, and indeed for the most part I believed it was so. Alas, I failed you miserably, but a part of you will always live on in my heart and in my broken memories. I dream of you every night and day and it kills me. I know at the very least, my love and care for you wasn't false, and every kiss and every sigh were true emotions brought to the fore.
At least I'll always remember. That time when we used to love.
I miss you dearly Jung. You'll ever be my shadow companion.
"世界上最远的距离不是生与死的距离 而是我站在你面前你不知道我爱你"
Sunday, 8 December 2013
Past and Present
I've disappeared for quite some time now, that much I know. Perhaps it was by design. I've returned to my homeland, Malaysia. My heart's conflicted, having spent a considerable time in the UK I find myself now abit of a stranger in my own land, my own home. Things have changed, people, circumstances, places. I'd have to find myself again here having grown accustomed to my lifestyle in distant shores.
The first thing I gave up was a degree of my freedom. Being your typical Asian youth I still stay with my parents, a great source of shame in the West by this time period I reckon. I had to readjust to the fact that I couldn't quite have myself reliable public transport or take casual strolls around from point to point considering how unfriendly the roads in this country are to pedestrians in general.
My life has been a series of ups and downs since I've returned. On some matters I've truly been blessed, and where I've fallen in other matters I've chosen to see it as a test, and a series of lessons needed for me to appreciate the challenges life has in store for me. If everything came easy I would surely take far too many things for granted.
This year has been flying by at a pace so rapid I am beginning to feel a sense of mortality creeping down my spine. It's nearly ended in a blink of an eye and it truly seemed like just yesterday I was watching fireworks in London with some close friends, holding her in my arms as we waded through hostile rowdy crowds.
2013 has been mostly a year of reflection, of great inner turmoil and eventual closing of chapters and repentance. I met a variety of characters from my past, the boys that meant the most to me and made the greatest impacts. I bade them farewell truly one by one. Even the ex who had haunted my dreams and seared so deeply a wound within my unbound heart has made peace with me and I him. It's almost surreal as 2013 marks the closing chapters of my summer 2011 romances, the summer of my life.
So as I put away the fading memories and lost dreams of the soon to be yesteryear, I look forward to the oncoming new year with a sense of renewed purpose and hope. Truly have I fallen in some ways, failing to achieve a number of crucial goals but on the bright side, other opportunities have knocked my way. Opportunities that come only once in a lifetime, some of which a great many people would never ever get. It is then that I realised in this mixed bag of good and ill that was 2013 I had truly been granted a journey most blessed in its nature.
Verily, I know now the path that lies before me. Despite the disappointments and repeated heart aches I stand now a little stronger, a little wiser and at peace with myself to a certain degree more than I ever was the year through. I am sorry for my failures mom and dad, for truly I mean only to bring pride and glory to our house. But though I may stumble and fall, in time I truly believe I will join my peers in the sun. In time I will bring justice to those that deserve it. This much I vow, and so help me "god" that much shall I strive towards. And may it some day come about.
To the future, come what may.
The first thing I gave up was a degree of my freedom. Being your typical Asian youth I still stay with my parents, a great source of shame in the West by this time period I reckon. I had to readjust to the fact that I couldn't quite have myself reliable public transport or take casual strolls around from point to point considering how unfriendly the roads in this country are to pedestrians in general.
My life has been a series of ups and downs since I've returned. On some matters I've truly been blessed, and where I've fallen in other matters I've chosen to see it as a test, and a series of lessons needed for me to appreciate the challenges life has in store for me. If everything came easy I would surely take far too many things for granted.
This year has been flying by at a pace so rapid I am beginning to feel a sense of mortality creeping down my spine. It's nearly ended in a blink of an eye and it truly seemed like just yesterday I was watching fireworks in London with some close friends, holding her in my arms as we waded through hostile rowdy crowds.
2013 has been mostly a year of reflection, of great inner turmoil and eventual closing of chapters and repentance. I met a variety of characters from my past, the boys that meant the most to me and made the greatest impacts. I bade them farewell truly one by one. Even the ex who had haunted my dreams and seared so deeply a wound within my unbound heart has made peace with me and I him. It's almost surreal as 2013 marks the closing chapters of my summer 2011 romances, the summer of my life.
So as I put away the fading memories and lost dreams of the soon to be yesteryear, I look forward to the oncoming new year with a sense of renewed purpose and hope. Truly have I fallen in some ways, failing to achieve a number of crucial goals but on the bright side, other opportunities have knocked my way. Opportunities that come only once in a lifetime, some of which a great many people would never ever get. It is then that I realised in this mixed bag of good and ill that was 2013 I had truly been granted a journey most blessed in its nature.
Verily, I know now the path that lies before me. Despite the disappointments and repeated heart aches I stand now a little stronger, a little wiser and at peace with myself to a certain degree more than I ever was the year through. I am sorry for my failures mom and dad, for truly I mean only to bring pride and glory to our house. But though I may stumble and fall, in time I truly believe I will join my peers in the sun. In time I will bring justice to those that deserve it. This much I vow, and so help me "god" that much shall I strive towards. And may it some day come about.
To the future, come what may.
Wednesday, 18 September 2013
When Men Change
Contrary to the title, changing here does not involve a change of clothes so don't expect a sexy seductive write up of those sort of matters. The title here mostly refers to a change of hearts in men. I for one am especially sensitive and alert to my men whenever they have such changes. It usually starts gradually, subtly and is usually quite obvious. Then they abruptly become quite different from before.
It usually is quite obvious when you're no longer their prime target. The messages dull, the kisses stop, the effort becomes incrementally less. And yet some hold on, putting in the minimal bare bones of effort to string you along for the ride as their insurance while they date around and test drive other prospective targets thinking you'll always stay for them. Taking you for granted. Thinking they can deceive through lies involving great amounts of work or other assorted excuses of being tired and what have you.
And then of course their "friends" become more and more important. Which friend? Hell that's a mystery to all. Random bits of tea time and fancy meals and even fancier places begin to appear in their social media. They make sly implied assertions as to who they are with. They tweet their betrayals without realising their silent audience and those they've left behind. Male ego, their ultimate downfall. Their belief in their inability to ever fall. Ever thinking themselves the master manipulators.
Then of course there are those fools that misuse the word love. Oh so very many of them. In the height of their passions they throw the word so casually as if to bind you under their feeble spell. But a man of my experience knows all too well half of these naive children or manipulative men use it as part of their game of knives and daggers meaning so little for using so loaded a word. Appalling. Such is the death of love I'd say.
Without trust, there is no foundation for any relationship. There is only constant suspicion and worry. I think I've come to the point in my life where I crave something more anchored, less temporal like the random screws with the slags and the skanks of the circle. But it's a shame really, you have all these lost boys with their commitment issues and their second heads doing all the thinking for them still, never realising what they have or had all along. I'm tired. I'm cynical. My optimism dims bit by bit.
If he lies to me again, its over and I leave. A lie of omission is still a lie, dishonestly made no matter how one may justify it as a half truth to begin with. I'm unimpressed. You look set to be another disappointment in a list of disappointments. Just another abuser of the L word, so casually thrown. I knew I shouldn't have let you in. We'll see who stays soon, and who goes, you or I.
It usually is quite obvious when you're no longer their prime target. The messages dull, the kisses stop, the effort becomes incrementally less. And yet some hold on, putting in the minimal bare bones of effort to string you along for the ride as their insurance while they date around and test drive other prospective targets thinking you'll always stay for them. Taking you for granted. Thinking they can deceive through lies involving great amounts of work or other assorted excuses of being tired and what have you.
And then of course their "friends" become more and more important. Which friend? Hell that's a mystery to all. Random bits of tea time and fancy meals and even fancier places begin to appear in their social media. They make sly implied assertions as to who they are with. They tweet their betrayals without realising their silent audience and those they've left behind. Male ego, their ultimate downfall. Their belief in their inability to ever fall. Ever thinking themselves the master manipulators.
Then of course there are those fools that misuse the word love. Oh so very many of them. In the height of their passions they throw the word so casually as if to bind you under their feeble spell. But a man of my experience knows all too well half of these naive children or manipulative men use it as part of their game of knives and daggers meaning so little for using so loaded a word. Appalling. Such is the death of love I'd say.
Without trust, there is no foundation for any relationship. There is only constant suspicion and worry. I think I've come to the point in my life where I crave something more anchored, less temporal like the random screws with the slags and the skanks of the circle. But it's a shame really, you have all these lost boys with their commitment issues and their second heads doing all the thinking for them still, never realising what they have or had all along. I'm tired. I'm cynical. My optimism dims bit by bit.
If he lies to me again, its over and I leave. A lie of omission is still a lie, dishonestly made no matter how one may justify it as a half truth to begin with. I'm unimpressed. You look set to be another disappointment in a list of disappointments. Just another abuser of the L word, so casually thrown. I knew I shouldn't have let you in. We'll see who stays soon, and who goes, you or I.
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