Returning To Life Before You

Nearly 4 months on, the pain has numbed and the tears have mostly dried.

I still reflect upon our moments together from time to time. We've both disappointed each other, both made our share of mistakes, me more so than you, but I'd like to believe the love we had for each other was raw, real and true...flawed as it was.

Perhaps in another life, in some bizarre parallel universe where we were still happily together I would not have been so discrete. I would have shown more physical affection, displayed you proudly in my social media, hugged you tight and kissed you at our various airport reunions and departures, and travelled north far more often.

Perhaps I would have been more assuring, and trust worthy. Giving you the reassurances and security you always deserved but ultimately failed to have. It's a funny thing how fate works out, how a seemingly non threat turned out to be my replacement. But life's like this, full of twists, turns and unexpected results. I can't always have my way.

Had I had never called for that fateful Singaporean vacation, or suggested and encouraged those 6 weeks at NUS over Thailand, life would have taken a very different turn indeed.

It broke my heart you know, finding out these things. But he loves you dearly, at least from what I can tell. So long as he takes good care of you, makes you smile always and mends your broken heart, I guess I can live with that. I just wish we could have talked things out, and perhaps fought harder. The two of us, instead of giving up. Love is a conscious choice after all, feelings are so fleeting. You deserved better, you always did.

Mom and dad, they miss you too but even they tell me to move on. They say you'll always have a special place in their hearts too, that they considered you a son of theirs, the one boy they let into their household and planned a future with.

Touched my heart in some ways, knowing that the once adverse reaction my parents had to my coming out had evolved in such interesting ways. Perhaps some day your parents will too, and you'd both have the fairytale you'd always dreamed off.

And perhaps thats why it hurts so much. Knowing what we both lost. My temporal satisfactions have destroyed the dreams of what might have and could have been.

I'm coping better now, still working on self improvement, still stumbling along the way from time to time. I do wonder if you think of me some times, if you miss me but hide it deep within the recesses of your soul with the memories of yester-year.

Oh Jung, Sirapop, Toshy, Liusandri or whatever myriad names you have in the various languages you mastered, know that you meant a great deal to me as I must have meant to you once upon a dream too. Please, talk to me again some day at least. That'd be all I ask and perhaps more than I deserve.

But a boy can dream, and a boy can love.

But the boy's gotta grow up now. That dream is over, though I doubt my love for you would ever truly die. You made your imprint in my heart and etched yourself deep within the confines of my soul. I reckon there it'll always stay, whether I will it or not.

Sweet dreams Doc, some day you'll make me proud.

I miss you. From our first moments, to our last moments. Always.

いのちはつづく