Trials and Tribulations

Life has been a wild concoction of the bitter and the sweet in recent times. I've tasted peace, new hope and bright beginnings, and I've felt the crushing weight of reality and disappointment brought to bear. I know only in my heart of hearts that through persistence and with one foot following another, do I come out stronger and wiser than the day before, through trials of fire and tribulations of pain.

Its been a wild year for what it was worth, new potential love affairs, snuffed out almost as soon as they would have began. Old hopes and dreams resurfacing only to be dashed. Each one a bitter pill but an immersive lesson. We are all works in progress, and I've had my share of regrets. But at the very least throughout the course of the year, I've had few regrets due to one simple reason: that I have tried.

Unlike prior, at least I go with the peace of mind that in each failed endeavor, in each broken love affair, in each failed career move, I have reached for it and I have tried to the best of my ability and with that I can hold my head up high in a mixture of pride and carry myself with my dignity intact. In the mixed bag, came new beginnings: not all efforts turned out in vain.

I've been promoted, my career path has borne fruit and I am now pursuing dreams I never quite thought possible a year before. As I sit here in Shanghai, typing this story on this melancholic night, I reflect on the blessings that have been bestowed upon me from the damnation of the previous year. I am grateful, to the friends and family that stood by me through times of pain and times of sorrow. I have come to embrace anguish not as a weakness, but an old friend that pushes me through to do better and undo the mistakes of the past.

Gene, I did try my best to make up for my previous mistakes. I knew not what I intended with the trip up north, but I knew I had to see you once again just to be sure. It is clear to me now that I no longer occupy that previously held precious space in your heart. I blame you not, I've wronged you in ways you never should have experienced. These regrets of mine, I carry with me always as a reminder of what I lost and what I can be in the future.

With a lot of pain I have embraced the reality you no longer want me, but I do appreciate your friendship for what it is worth. SY really did take everything from me, and replaced everything I'd meant. Perhaps someday, I'd be like Josh to you and you would freely show me some measure of affection again. For now, on my part at least there will always be the residual pain, of the loss you. And the loss of me.

I'll always be there for you. Though time might take us into different places, I would still be patient with you. I've been through your worst, you might not trust me entirely for the rest of your life, but you can trust that I did love you in my own broken way. Fucked as I was. This much I do hope you can trust. Your former bear.

And on that other note:

Sam, it is sad that our long standing friendship has come to this. I trusted you, and loved you as a brother. Shit has happened. Our friendship has irrevocably changed and I might never properly trust you again. In some ways, I now understand how Gene felt. Karmic twist of fate I suppose. It is a shame, we've had good times. But I no longer am sure I want to associate with you.

I do try to hold faith and see the good in all adverse things that happen in my life, and this week you have tested that. In time I might forgive you, but you will never be one of my best friends again. I'm sorry, but what you've done is unacceptable to me. All who know me know I can forgive nearly anything. This time, I can't. Not with the way you have carried yourself, and so you will show me the respect I am due for holding unto my decision. I was never good at good byes, but perhaps with age I have grown better.

And lastly, J. Whatever am I to do with you. I know not, but for tonight, sleep on this I will.

Perhaps Shanghai will do me well, perhaps in due time I'd leave behind my old life, and taking only the crucial lessons and memories that have shaped the core of my being as I know it today. Of that I am proud.