Omega

My spirit is sapped, exams have been ongoing for most of the month and I'm exhausted. Think I may have made a fatal flaw and doomed a client. If after all my efforts I still don't make it in this field then well, I guess it was not meant to be. All the prestige and time and money spent here can be conveniently flushed down the toilet although I reckon the tangible skills I've gained here will invariably prove useful.

Lady Gaga is coming to perform songs from her new album just down the road from where I live. I have an exam the following day so fuck me seriously. I have wanted to catch Mother Monster since last year when I was bugging my ex to take me to her damned concert in London. Looks like she and I are just not meant to be. I guess I'll just have to catch her in Singapore some time then seeing as Malaysia has its knickers in a bundle perpetually when it comes to her or indeed anything homosexual related.

Lately I've been watching a set of disturbing videos as well. The prime video of concern is called "The Road to World War 3" and it's talking about how recent events are slowly leading towards those events. Normally I'd brush off people like these as fringe nuts but when you consider all his theories and explanations it starts to make frightening sense. For instance, the maker of the video talks about how Iran is being targeted by the Western powers due to it trying to break free from the US dollar's grip over petrol prices. So what happens is the West then proceeds to destabilize Syria and will attempt to try to get into Syria to involve Iran. What's scary is the video was made in September 2012. Now nearly a year later the British Parliament is debating whether to launch a war in Syria and the USA is already gleefully announcing their intention to get involved.

Oh and China and Russia are standing by Iran on strong terms. An attack on Syria and Iran could be the flashpoint of Armageddon as we know it. In a secular sense of course because I'm obviously anything but religious. But the implications are horrifying and it scares me just to think of it. Check out the video below.

And if you'd all rather care about Milley Cyrus being a skank then well, good on you. The sad reality is people are easy to manipulate and control because they care far too little about world affairs. In light of all this global politics, Malaysian politics suddenly seems so very small and insignificant. Truly, I am ever slightly worried. 

Outed to the Family

I have just recently gotten back from a short trip around Europe with the family. They paid me a visit here in London you see and we decided to all have a merry adventure for a change after being separated for so long. It was in this interim period during their stay in London that my sexuality became known to them. I guess it wasn't too wise of me to make phone calls to a boy at night continuously for multiple nights in a row but suffice to say, they know.

Oddly enough my dad is rather alright with it. He was far more calm and accepting about the news than I'd have thought. Mother on the other hand went into abject silence and wasn't taking it too well. I could sense the disappointment and guilt and sadness emanating from her. Think she questioned whether sending me overseas was the right thing to do after all. Odd, I was always under the impression of my mom being the chilled one and my dad being the anti gay. Funny how the reality of the matter is.

All things considered I think they're taking it relatively well. Told them about my past love and how I lost it. Emphasized to them I still liked girls and that seems to have relieved my mom a whole ton and she has since began to talk a whole lot more about girls to me. I think she's trying to go into denial about the other side of me and just hope I get a girlfriend soon. The Korean girl that I met in a gay club and introduced to my parents a couple of weeks ago is currently the constant subject that they focus on. She got along well with my mom so I guess that's a good sign but I'm just not entirely feeling it with her.

Life probably won't quite be the same again. They will probably be suspicious of every male friend I bring over home for a sleepover or what not from now onwards. They'll probably scrutinise my every interaction with my male friends for signs of excessive affection too. I guess they'll just have to live with the reality of who I am. Ultimately, I am still their son and they are still my parents. Our love for each other doesn't change because of my preferences and it shouldn't. Maybe in time it will only make us closer.

I am who I am. Bisexual and proud.

Topping

When I was younger, I always saw myself in an exclusively bottom/submissive position in a relationship or in sexual trysts and liaisons. The men in my life tended to reflect this general disposition of mine. Over the years though I discovered the other side of me, the ability to actually put my male tools to proper use for a change. It comes to no surprise that I have grown pretty fond of the alternative acts, but it does come with a slight problem. Premature explosions.

Now really I'm all up for dandy good times and rolling in the hay but whenever I reach Cloud 9 within a few minutes of insertion it always eats at my ego and is usually an embarrassing experience for both parties. Granted that my usual top sessions are relatively few and far between when I haven't had myself some action in some time, it may be fair to take those factors into consideration with my inability to cope with the heat and pleasure.

That is not to say I haven't occasionally found myself going beyond my usual median threshold but suffice to say it'd be good if I could perform without apprehensions and constantly having to worry about early fireworks. I reckon it's usually when I've exhausted my earlier reserves that I find myself performing relatively longer although if that is a prerequisite to every bout in bed that is rather sad really.

I reckon what I need is a relatively consistent bottom partner to train myself on a perpetual basis to hone my skills and tolerance so that the next time I engage in the acts of pleasure giving (as opposed to constantly being on the receiving end) I can at least perform to the level of a competent male. Because fuck me, I'm in my 20s. Time to buck up.

After experiencing the best of both worlds I have to say being the assertive partner in sexual encounters can be quite a challenge seeing as you carry the weight of the whole experience and contribute to the overall rhythm of the act. Although on a plus point the mess is far less contentious to deal with and you don't have to worry about any serious sores the day after.

If anyone has some tips and pointers to share on how to improve in being a top I'm all ears. Male ego cast aside and all that jazz. Shoot away lads. Figuratively speaking of course.

Alvin and Vivian Ramadhan Controversy

Recently the controversial duet Alvivi (of NUS sex video fame) posted a picture up on the consumption of a famous pork based soup dish in mockery of the breaking of fast for the month of Ramadhan. This has obviously led to alot of upset feelings amongst the Malay/Muslim community of Malaysia due to the obvious mockery of their religion and customs (pork is banned from consumption by Muslims if you have been living under a rock).

Naturally with race relations being so rocky after the election, their series of actions have led to an inevitable firestorm of sentiment and anger. And naturally our government and politicians are rattling their sabres and knives screaming for the blood of these two now, demanding the most serious of legal actions be taken against them.

Today they have finally posted an apology video:



 Now the thing about this Alvivi couple is that I generally find myself in support of most of their previous actions as questionable morally as it may be. When they argued for liberal values of having the right to showcase to all and sundry their sexual prowess and to discuss frankly and openly sexuality without fear I was genuinely on their side. I have even read most of Alvin's postings and write ups both legal and political and found myself sharing his point of view more often than not. He was after all a law student at the National University of Singapore at one point, and his rebellious streak and decision to stand by his unorthodox principles no matter the cost made me respect him, albeit subtly and discretely.

And then he goes full retard mode with this latest posting and I find myself slamming my face into my desk. Really now, if his idea is to play agent provocateur, he should have been smarter about it and should have seriously reconsidered his target parody hit. No really, for someone that has spent a fair deal of his life time growing up in Malaysia is he really so ignorant and stupid to not be aware of Muslim sensitivities and the level of backlash he and Vivian would receive?

Further, knowing him and his views, it is more likely than not that he intended to make a particular stand on purpose before back tracking from the legal forces that are about to come down hard upon him. His blatant disregard for the potential melt down in ethnic relations is downright irresponsible and idiotic and thank fuck he (apparently) recognises this too from his new pseudo-apology video. If this picture becomes the catalyst for any rise in violence or further degeneration of our Malaysian society along racial lines any collateral damage that results from his incompetent actions will lie squarely on his shoulders. I target Alvin here because he is clearly the brains of all operations and ideas while Vivian tends to be his convenient female accessory. The woman is barely competent in her grasp of the English language let alone the intricacies of political matters.

Oh Alvin, you've really outdone yourself this time. Stick to sexually liberating matters and keep your fingers out of religious politics before you get yourselves killed. Don't become like that other asshole Namewee which all the dipshit Chinese Nationalists in Malaysia seem to have such a hard on for. Yes, I dislike Namewee with a passion. Sod off if he's your messiah. And yes I'm Chinese but I think he's another vulgar twathead that is bereft of talent or class. I'm aware of the hypocrisy here with regards to vulgarity. Sue me.

London Pride

This post is way overdue but just a weekend or two ago London had it's Pride Day with the expected Pride Parades. Coming from conservative Malaysia, it comes to no surprise that I've had no experience whatsoever with regards to fashionable and fabulous events of such colour and so I got myself there as a curious observer. Naturally.

I'll say, London is pretty gay. Gayer than I had initially given it credit for. Soho (Gayville) in London was teeming with a ridiculous number of people and I think that segment of the city became a third world nation for awhile with all the bottles and trash littering the streets. Come on Britain, you're supposed to be a First World nation. Don't be daft and forget your civic lessons from school, Lord Almighty.

The Parade itself was rather interesting with a variety of colours and causes both political and religious being advanced. So we had the Gay athiests, Hindu, Christian, Catholics, environmentalist, geek, communist, lawyers, doctors, firemen, army yadda yadda associations all coming out of the woodwork and giving us a damn good display on the streets of Oxford Circus, down Regent's Street all the way towards Picadilly and finally stopping at Trafalgar Square for the Grand Concert.

  

Above all the association that impressed me most was the LGBT Muslim association. When they came out, the crowd cheered louder than ever. Instinctively I cheered pretty damn loud myself before even realising it. In a way I was just happy seeing my fellow Muslims having a voice of tolerance and trying to initiate a renaissance of acceptance, and even though it would be a long long arduous road ahead fraught with dangers and challenges, these brave men and women led the charge. Almost brought me to tears to be honest.

  

 Very courageous

There was also the LGBT lawyers marching around in their fancy wigs and robes. The Bar Standards Board must be indulging in much wailing, groaning and gnashing of teeth at the sight of the symbols of judicial might being used so fabulously. Conversely, one could say justice is being paraded for a good cause. I digress. Instinctively one of the gay lawyers stuck a gay lawyer sticker on my shoulder (I was getting all sorts of stickers put upon me even as an observer). Maybe I just have a legal vibe about me. Makes all the bitches at Heaven seem to think I'm pompous and hate on me for some reason. Oh well, no surprise when half of the idiots there are doing fine art and fashion and other assorted bullshit courses. Fuck me, digressed again.

Barrister in wig and gown hidden in the left.

One of my straight friends spontaneously decided to drop by in London on that day itself. Obviously being the closeted bisexual I did not let my true inclinations out for all and sundry and that included hiding said inclinations from him. We met up and he interestingly enough was all for attending the LGBT event in Trafalgar Square and just showing his support and tolerance as a straight man without prejudice towards the community. Even took a picture with a fabulous transsexual there. These are the types of people I want to surround myself with. Open minded, compassionate and non judgmental. I appreciate him really.

  

Crowds at Trafalgar Square

Later that day I decided to join a white friend whom used to like me quite abit to party. I got dragged into Soho and there was Black Pride for the Afro-Carribean LGBT community of London being held at one corner near a small square/park. So I joined my old admirer and his black faghag to dance with the rest of the LGBT Afro-Carribeans to soulful black music. I think I must have been the only Asian dancing in a crowd of very happy gay black men. Did I mention I kinda like blacks? Not that I've tried one and most Asians are so judgmental about that. Fuck off. Don't hate.

 

Soho being bloody crowded

Finally on the night itself one of the clubs was having the Backstreet Boys and the Wanted performing back to back after midnight. Got myself hammered with my black and white bitches and we looked like a colorful United Nations of Drunkards. The line was bloody awful because apparently the Backstreet Uncles are still popular with the faggots of London.

Waited in line for the next 2 hours or so till my high went down although at least the people in the line were interesting. Some Americans and Australians added to the fun. So we were all tossing nationality and racial jokes at each other and when it came to me nobody had shit to use against Malaysia because most people don't know jack shit about Malaysia anyway. So instead I got all kinds of racist Thai jokes thrown my way. Bugger me senseless, apparently Malaysians like to give "sucky sucky 3.50 Baht" and what not. Luckily I wasn't Thai or I would just be slightly offended.

And yes I obviously missed out on the Backstreet Boys because of the retardedly long queue although at least I got to catch the Wanted. Gotta pity the Wanted though, everyone was leaving as soon as the Backstreet Boys were done. Overall it was a good weekend. London's fun when its this gay.

 I'm glad you came. *cheeky smile*

Warning Not Work Safe: Porn Idol 2

So not too long ago I brought one of my rather inexperienced friends over to Heaven for Porn Idol night because, why the hell not. To those unaware, Porn Idol is an event at one of London's largest gay clubs whereby anyone from the audience and in general can do a dance and song striptease over a pole in front of the crowd before being judged by a panel of 3 incredibly funny (and oftentimes bitchy) judges X Factor style.

So basically I arrived there with my rather naive and innocent friend whom I was about to corrupt and bumped into more mates there because everyone loves Porn Idol. A disclaimer though, because of the open nature of the competition you can sometimes receive the very best of the sexiest beasts to the very worst of the undateables. So without further ado: Porn Idol.

Note: The less attractive contestants have been eliminated from this list as when I mean they are bad, they really are bad. According to one female judge: "I don't know whether to shag or feed you honey, you look more brittle than my personal China Tea set."

 Contestant 1 blazes out his moves and according to one of the female judges: "You make my fanny wetter than the Titanic, I'd shag you rough over the stage itself honey" Definitely a show stopper with his application of body oil all over himself.

 Contestant 3 is the only female in the competition and the first one I've ever seen in Porn Idol. Very likely a Butch Lesbian but she's on fucking fire and wilder than a bitch in heat. Security had to control her a few times and the bitchy judges were less than impressed by her despite jaw dropping dance moves. And yes she shows her fanny.

 Contestant 4 is a Californian boy that has a similar enough bone structure to mine with more meat on of course so I naturally felt attached. Not too bad.

 Contestant 5 comes in with a full suit, bowtie and top hat before ripping them all off and getting down and dirty with the pole. Overall I preferred him with his clothes on though.

 Contestant 6 was an Italian guy that spoke no English so he just went all out for it. Unfortunately he could not understand any comments the judges made no matter how snide.

 Contestant 9 was a tourist from one of those Scandinavian countries and I thought he had a certain charm about him with his sporting attitude on stage. Thought he was somewhat hot but I didn't get a clear picture. Fail.

Thereafter all the contestants are lined up and the screams from the audience for each of them would be counted as a vote to preserve the final two whom would then give a final performance.

 Guy with the awkward thumbs up was apparently a legal provider. Friends were giving me funny looks and asking if that's what happens in the profession. Fuck me, that was awkward. Wonder what the Bar Standards Board would think.

And so the finals ended being between the lesbian contestant 3 and Mr hot shot contestant 1. They both showed us some crazy moves although the woman was bloody mental. They kept leaping unto each other in a mock fight before security tore them apart a couple of times. Was pretty damn funny I'd say.

So the final bunch of screams seemed to indicate just slightly stronger support for the woman although being a gay club and all the judges were fucking biased against her it wasn't even funny. So guess who won? Duh. The dude, oh well, gay club. Hah!

And ironically that night I spent quite a fair deal dancing with some Korean chick in the same club before taking down her number during the "Call me Maybe" segment. This is getting odd, me dancing with random chicks in Heaven before taking down their numbers and never calling anyway. Oh well, I like my stranger routine I guess. Weird that way. It's interesting how comfortable girls are to just dancing with you freely when they think you're gay, until I correct them otherwise and they go "No wonder." Ah well, bisexuality. Best of both worlds.

Just One of Those Nights

It's one of those nights that I look back and reflect on life and we're we've arrived at and what we've become. You're in Paris now, it brings back so many memories that city. Last year around this time I was there but you were having your finals in Edinburgh. I remember me spending my French nights calling you on Viber, gushing and giggling like a little school girl. You were so nervous about potentially failing an exam in front of the medical board.

I remember that year I walked up to the Eiffel Tower and looked down upon the city. I saw the sun set upon the beautiful French horizon and wished then that you could see it with me. What a view it was. Fast forward a year later, you're viewing that same horizon but without me now. I wonder, do I cross your mind and haunt your thoughts with dreams of yesteryear?

I saw your Jack'd profile of course. I always knew it was you despite your lack of pictures. My gut feeling just led me to it and to you. You don't spend nearly 300 days talking day in and out with someone without their little quirks or habits registering with you. The subtleties of their writing styles and little unsaid attitudes.

It's interesting, I've spent all of May and the greater whole of June not thinking of you. But like all dead people, we occasionally reminisce about them. I hate you, I love you simultaneously. I reckon its a mental illness I'll carry with me to the end of my days.

I think after all my antics I've burned any hope of reconciliation by now. We'd probably never talk again in the near future or ever. But these dreams, these pictures and final moments. Everything from the sensual, the emotional, the sexual, it will haunt us from now till the hereafter.

Like that final menage-a-trois, or that final meal, or that final kiss. I still feel it in my bones, and quiver from time to time.

I hate to say it, but I'll always love you. Even when I hate you. And even when you hate me. The Lord told me once to not fight hatred with hate after all. That's the least I can do before I lost myself and you.