Life in Motion

Apologies for the stagnation and decay of the blog but the vicissitudes of life will sometimes take precedent. Combined with a severe case of writer's block and a disgusting workload it's no shocker that there are bound to be limited updates. Not that I am disappointing anyone tangible given my silent reader base. They're there, lurking just ever quietly so I can slip up and write my mouth off. Not today.

I am returning for the first Chinese New Year's in a long long while. The heart quivers with anticipation and longing to finally be able to see my kin, my closest and dearest once again. Every year Chinese New Year has been marred with exams and the shitty weather dear Britain is all too happy to throw my way.

This year I've been graced by forces beyond my control or comprehension with a week long holiday combined with my generous weekends to allow for a quick excursion back. Bloody joy I'd say. I've had my appointment cards filled to the brim and I'm just glad I can see the Australian students for a change given their inverse seasons and schedules of being on the wrong half of the hemisphere. I jest bitches, calm your tits.

Speaking of Australian students there will be one in particular I would be honoured to meet. It's been a long time coming, but I hope I will live up to expectations and we'd mingle like we always do. I still care, I'm still excited in my own way but we all have our apprehensions now don't we? Conveniently I'll be home for Valentines so no lovey dovey celebrations in London I'm afraid, but who needs setting over an individual to share it with eh? Potentially of course, can't forget the disclaimers. One can only hope the feeling's still mutual.

The course is kicking into full gear now, they don't grant holidays without demanding some blood and God damn it are they sending fire and brimstone my way. You buy your holidays with proper sweat and tears I'm afraid. That doesn't mean my social life has to take a complete hike of course, it just means I get to feel that much guiltier after.

This recent weekend was a rather interesting one with the UK's largest federation of Malaysian students organising this big conference like they'd always do year in and out where political big wigs, social activists, and corporate high horses get to prance around on stage and dispense in fancy dialogue whilst students fire away with questions. Last year even had the Seksualiti Merdeka's activist Pang Khee Teik talking which I thought was a rather bold move.

This year was supposed to have some ministers duking it out but with the elections being so close no political party would take the risk of leaving the country. At least we had ourselves Raja Petra, charming heh. Probably best for me to leave my politics out of this blog before all and sundry know my identity. But yes, the event was good I would say, occupied my weekend with more worries and irritations from home.

 I think I've indulged myself sufficiently now and quenched my guilt with this obligatory blog post. I shall now have to appease the guilt of more procrastinated work piling. I wonder if I'd be a bigger success story if I channeled my skills in an organised and structured fashion. I guess I would not be me then if that were the case now eh. Hope this blog doesn't end up in hibernation again.

Rape

The call came in at 7 in the morning just as I was finally going to get myself some shut eye. I knew I couldn't deny a friend in need, not now after all I'd come to know. He came in weary, tired, deflated. The spirit had dimmed in his eyes. And then he relayed his story. His shame. His guilt.

Rape against women is a subject that has been extensively studied and the female victim often receives extensive support from society at large and their family and friends. But male victims are often hushed up, silenced and relegated to the sidelines. They bear their burdens in abject silence, and fear, alone and sullen.

Here was a friend who bore the marks, whom had suffered greatly. It has been a month since the attack, and his confidence, self esteem and worth had been utterly shattered. I consoled as best I could, I learned of the near suicidal attempts to jump into the River Thames and I could only imagine the horrors and trepidations of the victim. Imagine, but never fully comprehend.

Rape fantasies are one thing, but at least I always knew I still had control. In the brief periods in my bedsheet trysts whenever I thought a man would not stop, I'd always have a brief flicker of fear but it would always calm down when they backed down and everything would relegate to good simple fun. Not my friend though, no. Held down against his will, drunk and bewildered by a stronger conscious man he could only submit. There was very nearly chloroform involved in the attempt and he could only pray he would come out in one piece alive by the night's end. His saving grace was that the bareback entry had not ended in a climax, and he had quietly snuck out when the bastard fell asleep.

This is a precautionary tale, of why you do not leave your friends alone at the club or bar especially after a night out when everyone is pissed drunk. Its a shame really that the westerners don't take greater care of their friends in times like these. And it alarms me that the rapist was an East Asian man whom perpetrated this violent sexual assault, bareback if I might add, on my white friend. It shows that the face of evil know no bounds and could be anyone.

I tried encouraging him to make his police report, to prosecute the monster in court. But the things we learn about the victims in criminal classes just rung true. The fear, the fatigue, the intimidation of facing the attacker once more. All of this stood to silence the victims into quiet submission. How tragic. But if I could inspire in him one thing, from all these events, it would be to press formal charges and put this monster behind bars and realise that he has played his part in saving others from becoming victims in the future and would restore at least some self worth once more.

No time for petty love triangles at this time, right now I have a friend in need.

Living the New Years

Had myself a short hiatus as I was over in the Netherlands and some other Euro countries for abit. What happens in Amsterdam stays in Amsterdam as they say. I must say I was relatively well behaved over there which is quite the contrary of what people go to Sin City for. Oh well. I came out to my other close friend throughout the trip because I grew tired of whispering with the other travel buddy about boys and just decided to fuck it. If close friends still mind after all these years of knowing me they don't deserve to be friends of mine. So yea, I was just glad they were so accepting and I could just be open about meeting boys over Jack'd whilst on travels without coming up with creative excuses.

New Years was a bit of a nightmare because we had all gone to see fireworks by the London Eye. An old primary school classmate joined us this time around and she asked me a few times if I was slightly bent. Am I getting more obvious with age? She has hinted some liking for me otherwise, even shared the same bed on the last night although nothing happened. That'd be a barrel of controversy if people knew heh.

Oh yes New Years was supposed to be fireworks then dragging my straight friends for a round of gay clubbing in London because they are open enough for that. Unfortunately the promoters at Heaven were slightly hostile that night and gave the gays a bad name in my friend's eyes. Asked me to fuck off it seems. Maybe cause I was with girls? Well fuck you too. Clubs were all full anyway since we were being retarded pre drinking till pretty late at my crib.

And yes hell broke lose after the fireworks when everyone began pushing and shoving to go home. My female friend nearly got attacked by some assholes in the crowd and I had to hug her tight as we waded a wall of human traffic. A couple of dicks wanted to start a fight with me too but fortunately I managed to evade conflict there. Wouldn't want to bring the Bar into disrepute now even though fighting legal providers would be awesome.

Jumping ahead of time for abit, had myself some exams yesterday before heading out to celebrate a birthday party with some colleagues. Was walking back around Chinatown when we took a bend around this gay bar there to get on the trains home. And I just had to bump into some gay friends, bugger me. Thought my friend was going to kiss me there in public with my colleagues there so I gave a very direct stare and he nodded before just giving me a hand shake. Think my fellow lawyers noticed my immediate tension since I was shaking hands with random boys outside a famous gay bar. Shit. But I had legit worries since this fellow had a tendency to give me random kisses all the damn time anyway.

So after splitting with my straight mates I naturally returned to the gay bar and apologized for my slight awkwardness. Next thing I know I'm at Heaven again and bumping into some Korean guy I used to go on date movies with. And yes everything thereafter becomes abit of a blur as the alcohol worked its way into my system. Go imagine what happens.

Finally a toast to 2012, one of the best and worst years of my life. The year I grew in influence, the year I graduated, the year I found love, the year I entered professional training, the year I became a political activist, the year I had my heart broken, and the year I found myself. Wherever you are now my first love, I wish you all the best.

Come What May

Before Christmas hits, I guess I too have myself a confession to make. We might not have known each other all that long, we might not have met up in person, we might not have ever kissed by the River Thames or walked down Piccadilly Circus hand in hand but one thing I do know for a fact is that you've brightened my December considerably and have given me some semblance of peace I haven't properly had in awhile.

I know he comes up a lot in our conversations, and I'm sorry. I can be a dick sometimes but for that I apologize too. I believe everything happens for a reason, we know each other at the times when we need to and learn the lessons life has in store for us. I'm painfully aware of the realities that face us, the different seasons, the two oceans, the ten thousand miles united ever so briefly only through artificial technology. But hey, if there's one thing we can take away from each other I'd like for it to be good lessons and good memories.

You've got your whole life ahead of you, the future is uncertain. The fickleness of the human heart and the demands of reality will some day take a toll but I know for a fact at least, in this brief time period that I've known you I've found my quantum of solace. Thank you for being my December baby. If there's one thing to confess as well I'd say this, I like you alot too. But you've got a great deal of potential, so never waste any tears or fears on me.

Maybe some day, one day. We may never know. I've enjoyed our hours of joys and dreams but reality has always been a cruel mistress. I hope I'll enjoy it some more, but some how I know nothing lasts forever...no matter how it feels today. Your personality caught me first and foremost from the start, never change who you are altogether. You're a good person, always keep that spark of optimism in you and you will go far. So before this night is through, I'll wish a merry Christmas to you and merry days thereafter. But I'll always be here at least, one way or the other.

Of Overly Closeted People

So I was messaged on Jack'd the other day by this rather cute individual (good to know I still have market value) and me being human as I am responded naturally because we're all a little shallow inside. So the conversation was going relatively fine, although I noticed he had a tendency to deflect personal questions in a not so subtle way and considering his hidden face photos I had no doubt in my mind that he was someone knee deep in the closet. Did I mention I hate people deflecting questions I ask or outright ignoring them? Sorry, I digressed.

"Hey I'm super super discrete so I'll appreciate it if we could keep this between us." No shit Sherlock moment there.

Oddly enough he then decides to add me over Facebook, Whatsapp and Skype. We of course then have ourselves a Skype call naturally, whilst stalking each other's online profiles. He was better looking than I had initially thought, looked somewhat like an old flame of mine from one of those summers I had back in Malaysia. And then we had ourselves a brief call before he had to toss the trash. Funnily enough he had this to say:

"Hey whilst we were skyping I felt a little uncomfortable towards the way you talked like how you rolled your eyes or how you talked in a certain way. It wasn't really straight acting. Sorry to tell you this but I thought should be honest >.<"

"Hope you don't mind."

Mate you must be fucking kidding me, obviously I mind. Did you just directly question my masculinity? You do not insult the male ego to that extent and expect things to be fine. It's not that I can't act straight, I do. But obviously when I'm meeting a fellow gay lad on a private chat channel I'm not going to be overly formal or overly "straight". Guys that try too hard to "act straight" usually just come off as the biggest douchebags or tools imaginable. It's pretentious and I honestly hate posers, men that think they are all that but quite frankly aren't, their insecurity reeks through their excessive macho bravado.

Naturally I continue the conversation later as usual because he is hot (I'm shallow) and he could probably offer me benefits in some shape or form some time. Expendable human being. My douche side is showing fuck me. But yes this guy clearly had some issues considering he's never dated men in his life and only recently begun experimenting with them and realising he likes cock up his arse or arse up his cock. Get's super uncomfortable being seen with men and gets all edgy whenever I mention gay related topics even in the privacy of his own room due to his paranoia of eavesdropping housemates.

Jesus mate, sounds to me like you need therapy and a good few years of sorting yourself out before going anywhere near the gay world. I might be bi, but bisexuals of these sort are pretty damn hypocritical I'd say. Good enough to bed, not good enough to wed by all accounts. I reckon he thinks he's an alpha male of sorts (I attract these types for some reason) but he's most likely more akin to one of those fagbagsters we know Asia is famous for.

Girls I Would Not Date

Had myself a straight clubbing session for the first time in forever over the weekend in London and I must say entertainment is significantly more expensive than at the gay venues. Most of these fancy clubs have pretentious decor, small cramped dance floors and a crowd so dull it would do fuck all to cut butter with. That's a  pretty terrible analogous statement. So yes I turned down a night out to bend over with my bent friends for the chicks at my institution. It dawned on me though that despite one of them (lets call her A) being as smooth as Arabian Silk and presentable enough to turn heads, dating someone like her was just out of the question not due to my lack of social standing or charm (do I sound like a prick yet?).

Collectively I shall divide it into a number of incidents.

Incident 1:

Upon meeting a friend of a friend (C) whom was a somewhat average looker whom dressed less than fashionably:-

Me: So whereabouts do you study?
C: Oh, I'm a medical student at Cambridge.
A: Yes, she looks the part.

Now now, degrading someone like that doesn't just showcase an inflated ego. It also showcases a underlying current of insecurity. Snide comments like that reveal a hidden unpleasant character.

Incident 2:

A: Your hair cut is pretty bad, please fire your stylist.
Guy Friend: Well I'm fine with him thank you very much.
Me: I think he looks alright too.
A: Nah, he would look decent but for the hair. I can recommend you better.

Being honest is one thing, but attacking the male ego so directly? No thank you. Commentary on my fashion sense is not helping matters either.

Incident 3:

A: You guys are not drunk yet, let's open a bottle of posh champagne for the year's end.
Me: How much is it?
A: 350 pounds.
Me: I shall pass.
A: I'll just pay for it then.

Most men would be pretty damned happy at the prospect of women buying drinks but spending daddy's money excessively after everyone was already halfway tipsy isn't exactly the best impression to make. If a girl can spend daddy's cash in spades she can deplete her husband's coffers faster than a thirsty camel at a dessert oasis.

Incident 4:

Us: So ever had a relationship or boy friend before?
A: No, not any serious ones at least. The beneficial friends don't count.

Implied commitment issues, and no serious relationship after 22 years as a relatively attractive female does bleep the warning lights. Funny how women are held to different standards than men in my book. I almost sound like a proper douche.

And no, I don't have any issues against her but I certainly would not date someone like her. Arrogant men can be quite the turn off too as there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. Confidence is where you are overtly aware of your strengths but aren't obnoxiously shoving it down everyone's throats due to underlying humility. Arrogance is when there is a blatant superiority complex so vast it would fill up the Grand Canyon. Bitch session over.

Leisure Time

There are two ways your days in London can pan out, scenario one being the option of a holed up social recluse and saving quite a ton of money or option two being an individual with a social life. For a change I decided to pick option two considering the recently concluded exams and burnt a hole in my wallet. But that's life overseas for you especially in this city. Malaysians here are also quite a bit more willing to spend which was quite the contrast from my Cardiff/Manchester days when everyone was all thrifty to the point of annoyance. London Malaysians on the other hand felt like the other extreme where they would splurge quite significant sums of money for leisure and food which would put middle class folks like me in a slightly uncomfortable position. But hey, its fucking London.

So we decided yesterday then to have ourselves some lunch at this posh little place called Duck & Waffle on the 40th floor of Heron Tower. Apparently bookings took forever so lucky us securing a spot. The obvious culinary choice for the day would of course be the Duck and Waffles itself considering it was what the restaurant named itself after. Friends decided to be indulgent and had some side orders such as rabbits and overly priced salad as well called to the table.

 Yes that's the fancy Duck & Waffle. It was alright but the portions were rather small just like all the other pretentious posh restaurants out there. 

 The restaurant we dined at.

After the meal we had ourselves a little debate as to whether we'd catch the Hobbit at the local Odeon or to head to the Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park. I guess everyone was feeling slightly masochistic that day opting for the Wonderland option instead considering it was negative temperature at the moment and my digits and toes were proper buggered from the cold. No rides were sat although we did play a few games around the amusement park here and there. The guys were a disgrace to the male gender that day failing at all games and the girls won themselves a number of prizes that day. Allow me to hang my head in shame.

The Wonderland was quite a nostalgia trip in a way though. I can't quite believe a full year has already passed since I went there with Tuls, Vince and Jason for our little PLU trip last year. Good times they were. The year zoomed by at break neck speed, I'm not sure my brain has registered with the fact that I might be entering professional practice soon. In some ways I'd love to not grow up yet, I'm still a kid inside.