It occurred to me last night all of a sudden, in one of my sleepless nights...I no longer thought of him daily. I no longer ached, or longed, or felt a deep sense of loss. I had found a certain degree of peace.
I felt then an odd mix of feelings, and mix of fear and relief, fear of finally letting ago and yet relief all the same.
I looked upon the pictures of his new love life, and finally in my heart of hearts gave my blessing. It was a small symbolic gesture, but it meant something to me.
Still, on the streets of Bangkok or Ho Chi Minh, wearing clothes that he'd used to wear, basking in cultures he used to like, I do not doubt the depth and degrees of which he influenced me and played a part in my life. Those are the parts of him I would always keep.
Its nearing the final quartile of 2018, soon we would have been split for 3 whole years and more. I spent the greater part of 2017 hoping against hope.
At least now I have found a friend in him, I can truly be happy for him though we are no longer together, and of that I am proud.
But you'll always hold a special place in my heart, as I'm sure I do yours. Even if you'll never tell me.
E.L
Tuesday, 18 September 2018
Sunday, 8 April 2018
He's Just Not That Into You
He was a bi lad too.
The intricacies of his mind, the subtle expressions, boyish charms and smiles were ultimately laced with an underlying melancholy and insecurity about himself.
An adequate mirror into the me of yester-year.
The insecurities of a future with the same sex. The dilemmas, the confusion, the need to fit into general society. The fear of discovery and parental oversight, of acceptance into the family and a intangible sight of an uncertain future.
I knew only too well his struggle. That despite, the chemistry inherent in our minds, he simply was just not ready.
Life has come a long way since. I've made peace with my sexuality, my fears of commitment with members of the same sex in an unconventional life style. It does add colour to life, making it worth living I suppose.
Ultimately, in spite of kisses, long nights, heartfelt talks, dinners and whatever efforts, he is ultimately still a "child". Mature in many ways, but still discovering the world, taste testing and straddling the lines of the straight and the bent.
We are all children of two worlds. It is our gift, it is our curse. No one, neither straight nor gay would ever truly understand.
However in spite of understanding, I am allowed to feel a sense of frustration. Not everyone is privileged in having parents and friends that understand as mine have. And so, with our last meal, and his prim and proper facade becoming sloppier and unkempt, I knew the fires of attraction had to be fading.
It's obvious when men start to lose interest. You need only observe their wardrobe and upkeep.
He's just not that into you.
Life would go on, but I guess for 2018, but for ghosts of the past, you'd be that small but temporary spark.
I rest my expectancies and move forward. The search goes ever on.
Tired, but ever hopeful.
Oi vey.
The intricacies of his mind, the subtle expressions, boyish charms and smiles were ultimately laced with an underlying melancholy and insecurity about himself.
An adequate mirror into the me of yester-year.
The insecurities of a future with the same sex. The dilemmas, the confusion, the need to fit into general society. The fear of discovery and parental oversight, of acceptance into the family and a intangible sight of an uncertain future.
I knew only too well his struggle. That despite, the chemistry inherent in our minds, he simply was just not ready.
Life has come a long way since. I've made peace with my sexuality, my fears of commitment with members of the same sex in an unconventional life style. It does add colour to life, making it worth living I suppose.
Ultimately, in spite of kisses, long nights, heartfelt talks, dinners and whatever efforts, he is ultimately still a "child". Mature in many ways, but still discovering the world, taste testing and straddling the lines of the straight and the bent.
We are all children of two worlds. It is our gift, it is our curse. No one, neither straight nor gay would ever truly understand.
However in spite of understanding, I am allowed to feel a sense of frustration. Not everyone is privileged in having parents and friends that understand as mine have. And so, with our last meal, and his prim and proper facade becoming sloppier and unkempt, I knew the fires of attraction had to be fading.
It's obvious when men start to lose interest. You need only observe their wardrobe and upkeep.
He's just not that into you.
Life would go on, but I guess for 2018, but for ghosts of the past, you'd be that small but temporary spark.
I rest my expectancies and move forward. The search goes ever on.
Tired, but ever hopeful.
Oi vey.
Tuesday, 23 January 2018
Farewell
Its been months. I checked up on him to see if he was doing fine still, only to realise all avenues had been shut down. A dawning realisation that I'd been blocked from every form of media by him, social or otherwise.
It came to my knowledge that he'd gotten attached barely a month since we parted ways in November whilst I was in the Mainland. I'd been unfollowed on social media and now nearly two months after I've finally been blocked altogether. For no crime whatsoever, other than being a source of care once upon a time.
Not like we were every officially together.
"Where's your boyfriend?"
"Isn't that his office?"
"You guys were quite cute together what happened?"
A multitude of presumptious questions hit me from mutual friends I met over the weekend since returning for a party at our local gay haunts. I stared at the Intermark across from the tower of sin wherein I downed glasses of gin to great company and felt hollow, no stings...just an abject nothing as I recovered and rediscovered my self worth and gazed upon the work place from which I'd pick him up from.
The good night and good vibes completely made me indifferent to a ghost of the past.
Despite his "cheating", his attempts to put me down verbally and challenge my worth, I survived on principle that I deserved better really.
I guess, what I've come to find, is you never really know a person.
I made an effort, didn't work out. You found someone else, and have now decided to cut ties with the past altogether. Matters not to me anymore. I cared and then I didn't.
"I'm sorry we couldn't work out as friends." I texted to the last unblocked link we had.
And then for a change, my turn it was.
Goodbye John.
It came to my knowledge that he'd gotten attached barely a month since we parted ways in November whilst I was in the Mainland. I'd been unfollowed on social media and now nearly two months after I've finally been blocked altogether. For no crime whatsoever, other than being a source of care once upon a time.
Not like we were every officially together.
"Where's your boyfriend?"
"Isn't that his office?"
"You guys were quite cute together what happened?"
A multitude of presumptious questions hit me from mutual friends I met over the weekend since returning for a party at our local gay haunts. I stared at the Intermark across from the tower of sin wherein I downed glasses of gin to great company and felt hollow, no stings...just an abject nothing as I recovered and rediscovered my self worth and gazed upon the work place from which I'd pick him up from.
The good night and good vibes completely made me indifferent to a ghost of the past.
Despite his "cheating", his attempts to put me down verbally and challenge my worth, I survived on principle that I deserved better really.
I guess, what I've come to find, is you never really know a person.
I made an effort, didn't work out. You found someone else, and have now decided to cut ties with the past altogether. Matters not to me anymore. I cared and then I didn't.
"I'm sorry we couldn't work out as friends." I texted to the last unblocked link we had.
And then for a change, my turn it was.
Goodbye John.
Sunday, 26 November 2017
Old Friend, Old Flame
Dear XC
Its near the end of 2017 now and in a couple of months we would've known each other for approximately 7 years. Time really did fly did it not?
It's interesting, how a random series of Grindr messages from my road trip in the Summer of 2011 spawned long lasting friendships and around the same period led to me meeting the other person that would eventually become my very first boyfriend.
We were never officially lovers though, but back then I remember being star struck by you for a change. I remember feeling excited in a way I never had been for all the boys I had dated prior. I was so new to all things gay back then, having been a bi lad and focusing all my energies on girls alone with nary a thought for men, but boy did you sweep me with your Ipoh lad charms.
I liked how we played the same games, loved the same movies, shared the same hopes and dreams and you came from a good family background and shared a decent overseas education I could relate to. That brief summer, that visit to KL, the naivety and the sweet innocence of a young romance. I was only 20 then, so innocent, so wide eyed. The previous boys were all massive disappointments making you stand out all the more.
Then you left to the land down under and I returned to cold dreary UK. You made your choice to be with another whilst I picked you over the lad that would eventually become my first boyfriend. I remember how sad I was, how discarded I felt, and how much of a fuck boy you used to be.
But we always stayed friends didn't we? Through thick and thin, in your own way you always cared for me. Through my first break up and the second, you would always be there to pick me up and cheer me on. I really did appreciate the subtle gestures of care and concern.
And now years later, with your new lover, you're planning to visit me here in China.
I don't know why I reflected on this only now, but after 7 years...I've really come to appreciate you as a friend. You've been very good to me, and I hope you and your lover will ever be happy. I've grown fond of him to you know? He's made you a hell of a lot less awkward and uptight with displaying affections in public. I've come to find it really sweet, remembering how closetted you once were.
Thanks for being my friend XC. For always watching out for me.
You were never my BF, but I love you all the same in my own way, even if I never say it.
Love you bro.
Its near the end of 2017 now and in a couple of months we would've known each other for approximately 7 years. Time really did fly did it not?
It's interesting, how a random series of Grindr messages from my road trip in the Summer of 2011 spawned long lasting friendships and around the same period led to me meeting the other person that would eventually become my very first boyfriend.
We were never officially lovers though, but back then I remember being star struck by you for a change. I remember feeling excited in a way I never had been for all the boys I had dated prior. I was so new to all things gay back then, having been a bi lad and focusing all my energies on girls alone with nary a thought for men, but boy did you sweep me with your Ipoh lad charms.
I liked how we played the same games, loved the same movies, shared the same hopes and dreams and you came from a good family background and shared a decent overseas education I could relate to. That brief summer, that visit to KL, the naivety and the sweet innocence of a young romance. I was only 20 then, so innocent, so wide eyed. The previous boys were all massive disappointments making you stand out all the more.
Then you left to the land down under and I returned to cold dreary UK. You made your choice to be with another whilst I picked you over the lad that would eventually become my first boyfriend. I remember how sad I was, how discarded I felt, and how much of a fuck boy you used to be.
But we always stayed friends didn't we? Through thick and thin, in your own way you always cared for me. Through my first break up and the second, you would always be there to pick me up and cheer me on. I really did appreciate the subtle gestures of care and concern.
And now years later, with your new lover, you're planning to visit me here in China.
I don't know why I reflected on this only now, but after 7 years...I've really come to appreciate you as a friend. You've been very good to me, and I hope you and your lover will ever be happy. I've grown fond of him to you know? He's made you a hell of a lot less awkward and uptight with displaying affections in public. I've come to find it really sweet, remembering how closetted you once were.
Thanks for being my friend XC. For always watching out for me.
You were never my BF, but I love you all the same in my own way, even if I never say it.
Love you bro.
Sunday, 1 October 2017
Another One Bites the Dust
Dear J, it has been quite the ride and though its come to this I wish you nothing but the best. You're an accomplished young man, reaching above your weight and have gone through your fair share of difficult family moments and tough times of the heart.
I hope you find yourself some day, and that you'd enjoy eventual work in JP Morgan. Perhaps I may not have lived up to the standards you have hoped for, but I suppose in some ways you did not meet mine too.
We both tried, you and I. But as usual distance and weariness and fatigue has crept in. Promise me you'll be a more positive person in the future and try not to be too blunt towards those that care for you in the future. There have been many hurtful things said by you in our short adventure together but perhaps someone else will be able to better handle these things.
Perhaps what you really were looking for was a father figure absent from the troubled personal issues of your childhood. I am unable to offer patronage but I can offer partnership. Evidently that is not what you desire, not at this time. We speak different love languages. I suppose we are just very different people.
After tonight, I sense a degree of finality and closure to this undefined thing we've had, for what it was worth. It was a good month, I was genuinely happy for a change. Alas, all good things will sway and turn, as with the bad. I still believe, I still have faith, but I know for a change what it is I want.
I'd like for once in my life not to play second fiddle to any body.
To be the one that is loved most by those I love.
Whether its Reece or Yang or Sean or whoever the fuck comes around to replace me as they seem to do, I'd like to be the one for a change.
But I'm not the one. But someday for someone, perhaps I will be.
And when that day comes, I'd like to be the best boyfriend I can be for whoever the right one is. Every failed endeavour is a lesson learned.
I'll miss you and I'm sure you'd miss me too in your own way.
But I do know as you do too that I don't love you, just as you never loved me. I know exactly what you meant, though I'd never admit it, for I have been in love before. But I do care, for what it was worth.
For what it was worth.
Take care buddy. Pal. </3
I hope you find yourself some day, and that you'd enjoy eventual work in JP Morgan. Perhaps I may not have lived up to the standards you have hoped for, but I suppose in some ways you did not meet mine too.
We both tried, you and I. But as usual distance and weariness and fatigue has crept in. Promise me you'll be a more positive person in the future and try not to be too blunt towards those that care for you in the future. There have been many hurtful things said by you in our short adventure together but perhaps someone else will be able to better handle these things.
Perhaps what you really were looking for was a father figure absent from the troubled personal issues of your childhood. I am unable to offer patronage but I can offer partnership. Evidently that is not what you desire, not at this time. We speak different love languages. I suppose we are just very different people.
After tonight, I sense a degree of finality and closure to this undefined thing we've had, for what it was worth. It was a good month, I was genuinely happy for a change. Alas, all good things will sway and turn, as with the bad. I still believe, I still have faith, but I know for a change what it is I want.
I'd like for once in my life not to play second fiddle to any body.
To be the one that is loved most by those I love.
Whether its Reece or Yang or Sean or whoever the fuck comes around to replace me as they seem to do, I'd like to be the one for a change.
But I'm not the one. But someday for someone, perhaps I will be.
And when that day comes, I'd like to be the best boyfriend I can be for whoever the right one is. Every failed endeavour is a lesson learned.
I'll miss you and I'm sure you'd miss me too in your own way.
But I do know as you do too that I don't love you, just as you never loved me. I know exactly what you meant, though I'd never admit it, for I have been in love before. But I do care, for what it was worth.
For what it was worth.
Take care buddy. Pal. </3
Monday, 18 September 2017
Trials and Tribulations
Life has been a wild concoction of the bitter and the sweet in recent times. I've tasted peace, new hope and bright beginnings, and I've felt the crushing weight of reality and disappointment brought to bear. I know only in my heart of hearts that through persistence and with one foot following another, do I come out stronger and wiser than the day before, through trials of fire and tribulations of pain.
Its been a wild year for what it was worth, new potential love affairs, snuffed out almost as soon as they would have began. Old hopes and dreams resurfacing only to be dashed. Each one a bitter pill but an immersive lesson. We are all works in progress, and I've had my share of regrets. But at the very least throughout the course of the year, I've had few regrets due to one simple reason: that I have tried.
Unlike prior, at least I go with the peace of mind that in each failed endeavor, in each broken love affair, in each failed career move, I have reached for it and I have tried to the best of my ability and with that I can hold my head up high in a mixture of pride and carry myself with my dignity intact. In the mixed bag, came new beginnings: not all efforts turned out in vain.
I've been promoted, my career path has borne fruit and I am now pursuing dreams I never quite thought possible a year before. As I sit here in Shanghai, typing this story on this melancholic night, I reflect on the blessings that have been bestowed upon me from the damnation of the previous year. I am grateful, to the friends and family that stood by me through times of pain and times of sorrow. I have come to embrace anguish not as a weakness, but an old friend that pushes me through to do better and undo the mistakes of the past.
Gene, I did try my best to make up for my previous mistakes. I knew not what I intended with the trip up north, but I knew I had to see you once again just to be sure. It is clear to me now that I no longer occupy that previously held precious space in your heart. I blame you not, I've wronged you in ways you never should have experienced. These regrets of mine, I carry with me always as a reminder of what I lost and what I can be in the future.
With a lot of pain I have embraced the reality you no longer want me, but I do appreciate your friendship for what it is worth. SY really did take everything from me, and replaced everything I'd meant. Perhaps someday, I'd be like Josh to you and you would freely show me some measure of affection again. For now, on my part at least there will always be the residual pain, of the loss you. And the loss of me.
I'll always be there for you. Though time might take us into different places, I would still be patient with you. I've been through your worst, you might not trust me entirely for the rest of your life, but you can trust that I did love you in my own broken way. Fucked as I was. This much I do hope you can trust. Your former bear.
And on that other note:
Sam, it is sad that our long standing friendship has come to this. I trusted you, and loved you as a brother. Shit has happened. Our friendship has irrevocably changed and I might never properly trust you again. In some ways, I now understand how Gene felt. Karmic twist of fate I suppose. It is a shame, we've had good times. But I no longer am sure I want to associate with you.
I do try to hold faith and see the good in all adverse things that happen in my life, and this week you have tested that. In time I might forgive you, but you will never be one of my best friends again. I'm sorry, but what you've done is unacceptable to me. All who know me know I can forgive nearly anything. This time, I can't. Not with the way you have carried yourself, and so you will show me the respect I am due for holding unto my decision. I was never good at good byes, but perhaps with age I have grown better.
And lastly, J. Whatever am I to do with you. I know not, but for tonight, sleep on this I will.
Perhaps Shanghai will do me well, perhaps in due time I'd leave behind my old life, and taking only the crucial lessons and memories that have shaped the core of my being as I know it today. Of that I am proud.
Its been a wild year for what it was worth, new potential love affairs, snuffed out almost as soon as they would have began. Old hopes and dreams resurfacing only to be dashed. Each one a bitter pill but an immersive lesson. We are all works in progress, and I've had my share of regrets. But at the very least throughout the course of the year, I've had few regrets due to one simple reason: that I have tried.
Unlike prior, at least I go with the peace of mind that in each failed endeavor, in each broken love affair, in each failed career move, I have reached for it and I have tried to the best of my ability and with that I can hold my head up high in a mixture of pride and carry myself with my dignity intact. In the mixed bag, came new beginnings: not all efforts turned out in vain.
I've been promoted, my career path has borne fruit and I am now pursuing dreams I never quite thought possible a year before. As I sit here in Shanghai, typing this story on this melancholic night, I reflect on the blessings that have been bestowed upon me from the damnation of the previous year. I am grateful, to the friends and family that stood by me through times of pain and times of sorrow. I have come to embrace anguish not as a weakness, but an old friend that pushes me through to do better and undo the mistakes of the past.
Gene, I did try my best to make up for my previous mistakes. I knew not what I intended with the trip up north, but I knew I had to see you once again just to be sure. It is clear to me now that I no longer occupy that previously held precious space in your heart. I blame you not, I've wronged you in ways you never should have experienced. These regrets of mine, I carry with me always as a reminder of what I lost and what I can be in the future.
With a lot of pain I have embraced the reality you no longer want me, but I do appreciate your friendship for what it is worth. SY really did take everything from me, and replaced everything I'd meant. Perhaps someday, I'd be like Josh to you and you would freely show me some measure of affection again. For now, on my part at least there will always be the residual pain, of the loss you. And the loss of me.
I'll always be there for you. Though time might take us into different places, I would still be patient with you. I've been through your worst, you might not trust me entirely for the rest of your life, but you can trust that I did love you in my own broken way. Fucked as I was. This much I do hope you can trust. Your former bear.
And on that other note:
Sam, it is sad that our long standing friendship has come to this. I trusted you, and loved you as a brother. Shit has happened. Our friendship has irrevocably changed and I might never properly trust you again. In some ways, I now understand how Gene felt. Karmic twist of fate I suppose. It is a shame, we've had good times. But I no longer am sure I want to associate with you.
I do try to hold faith and see the good in all adverse things that happen in my life, and this week you have tested that. In time I might forgive you, but you will never be one of my best friends again. I'm sorry, but what you've done is unacceptable to me. All who know me know I can forgive nearly anything. This time, I can't. Not with the way you have carried yourself, and so you will show me the respect I am due for holding unto my decision. I was never good at good byes, but perhaps with age I have grown better.
And lastly, J. Whatever am I to do with you. I know not, but for tonight, sleep on this I will.
Perhaps Shanghai will do me well, perhaps in due time I'd leave behind my old life, and taking only the crucial lessons and memories that have shaped the core of my being as I know it today. Of that I am proud.
Wednesday, 20 July 2016
Acceptance
After grappling with denial, anger and depression it was refreshing for a change to be happy seeing you happy. It has not been easy, losing you and seeing you in the arms of another. I've had nightmares, and sleep deprivation and other assorted grief related symptoms you don't need to know of.
But tonight, I came to terms. I came to terms I wouldn't be getting you back in the foreseeable future and I understood I had to let you go. Seeing you happy, for once did not fill me with longing or jealousy but rather peace for a change. I know how I had hurt you and to see you mended and well, I smiled.
I don't want to be the psycho ex, the sort that has no ounce of dignity or self worth. The sort that obsesses and cries himself to sleep. The malicious vengeful sorta ex that is the butt end of every unspeakable joke. I just want to be remembered as a person who was once special to you, who made an impact in some good ways and that you once loved.
I understand now, peace and closure come from within. My hopes and dreams have been adjusted, as I bid you a sorrowful farewell. Perhaps in the far future, we'd meet again like old friends and share our joint experiences in our sunset years. We'd appreciate the moments we had together once more and laugh at all the good and sad times we'd gone through together.
A part of me will always love you. I promise you this.
I'm going now Jun, it's time to leave.
I wish you well. I always have. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. And now you are.
Fare ye well beloved, till we meet again in this life or the next.
You have my heart, you always did. But I have to move on now.
จำไว้นะ ครั้งหนึ่งเราเคยรักกัน
But tonight, I came to terms. I came to terms I wouldn't be getting you back in the foreseeable future and I understood I had to let you go. Seeing you happy, for once did not fill me with longing or jealousy but rather peace for a change. I know how I had hurt you and to see you mended and well, I smiled.
I don't want to be the psycho ex, the sort that has no ounce of dignity or self worth. The sort that obsesses and cries himself to sleep. The malicious vengeful sorta ex that is the butt end of every unspeakable joke. I just want to be remembered as a person who was once special to you, who made an impact in some good ways and that you once loved.
I understand now, peace and closure come from within. My hopes and dreams have been adjusted, as I bid you a sorrowful farewell. Perhaps in the far future, we'd meet again like old friends and share our joint experiences in our sunset years. We'd appreciate the moments we had together once more and laugh at all the good and sad times we'd gone through together.
A part of me will always love you. I promise you this.
I'm going now Jun, it's time to leave.
I wish you well. I always have. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. And now you are.
Fare ye well beloved, till we meet again in this life or the next.
You have my heart, you always did. But I have to move on now.
จำไว้นะ ครั้งหนึ่งเราเคยรักกัน
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