Old Friend, Old Flame

Dear XC

Its near the end of 2017 now and in a couple of months we would've known each other for approximately 7 years. Time really did fly did it not?

It's interesting, how a random series of Grindr messages from my road trip in the Summer of 2011 spawned long lasting friendships and around the same period led to me meeting the other person that would eventually become my very first boyfriend.

We were never officially lovers though, but back then I remember being star struck by you for a change. I remember feeling excited in a way I never had been for all the boys I had dated prior. I was so new to all things gay back then, having been a bi lad and focusing all my energies on girls alone with nary a thought for men, but boy did you sweep me with your Ipoh lad charms.

I liked how we played the same games, loved the same movies, shared the same hopes and dreams and you came from a good family background and shared a decent overseas education I could relate to. That brief summer, that visit to KL, the naivety and the sweet innocence of a young romance. I was only 20 then, so innocent, so wide eyed. The previous boys were all massive disappointments making you stand out all the more.

Then you left to the land down under and I returned to cold dreary UK. You made your choice to be with another whilst I picked you over the lad that would eventually become my first boyfriend. I remember how sad I was, how discarded I felt, and how much of a fuck boy you used to be.

But we always stayed friends didn't we? Through thick and thin, in your own way you always cared for me. Through my first break up and the second, you would always be there to pick me up and cheer me on. I really did appreciate the subtle gestures of care and concern.

And now years later, with your new lover, you're planning to visit me here in China.

I don't know why I reflected on this only now, but after 7 years...I've really come to appreciate you as a friend. You've been very good to me, and I hope you and your lover will ever be happy. I've grown fond of him to you know? He's made you a hell of a lot less awkward and uptight with displaying affections in public. I've come to find it really sweet, remembering how closetted you once were.

Thanks for being my friend XC. For always watching out for me.

You were never my BF, but I love you all the same in my own way, even if I never say it.

Love you bro.