He's Just Not That Into You

He was a bi lad too.

The intricacies of his mind, the subtle expressions, boyish charms and smiles were ultimately laced with an underlying melancholy and insecurity about himself.

An adequate mirror into the me of yester-year.

The insecurities of a future with the same sex. The dilemmas, the confusion, the need to fit into general society. The fear of discovery and parental oversight, of acceptance into the family and a intangible sight of an uncertain future.

I knew only too well his struggle. That despite, the chemistry inherent in our minds, he simply was just not ready.

Life has come a long way since. I've made peace with my sexuality, my fears of commitment with members of the same sex in an unconventional life style. It does add colour to life, making it worth living I suppose.

Ultimately, in spite of kisses, long nights, heartfelt talks, dinners and whatever efforts, he is ultimately still a "child". Mature in many ways, but still discovering the world, taste testing and straddling the lines of the straight and the bent.

We are all children of two worlds. It is our gift, it is our curse. No one, neither straight nor gay would ever truly understand.

However in spite of understanding, I am allowed to feel a sense of frustration. Not everyone is privileged in having parents and friends that understand as mine have. And so, with our last meal, and his prim and proper facade becoming sloppier and unkempt, I knew the fires of attraction had to be fading.

It's obvious when men start to lose interest. You need only observe their wardrobe and upkeep.

He's just not that into you.

Life would go on, but I guess for 2018, but for ghosts of the past, you'd be that small but temporary spark.

I rest my expectancies and move forward. The search goes ever on.

Tired, but ever hopeful.

Oi vey.