Mortality

Last week, a close friend of mine passed from cancer. It was swift and sudden. I could scarcely imagine from the moment he announced it 5 days prior, to subsequently telling me the night before the rate of recovery looked good, that such a dark twist of fate could occur. I was left stunned on Saturday having just talked to him the night before. It sent shivers of mortality down my spine, arched with a deep sadness.

It was a somber Sunday as I rushed to Ipoh to pay my last respects. On the train it really hit me hard that this was all too real. I remembered knowing him from Grindr back in 2011 on one of summers back from the UK. I was road tripping across various states when I conversed with him in Ipoh. Though we ever remained platonic, I never expected we would become this close over the years.

I remember proper meeting him through my ex after years of chatting. We'd were on a road trip of our own then with the ex, him and his future boyfriend K. 2014 seemed so long ago.

I woke from my reverie and arrived at his home. It was drizzling. I approached his distraught mother and joined her in tears, she had lost a good son. His boyfriend K stepped out and greeted me, sobbing in the process. We've never been close unlike his departed spouse, but here before the body of my friend, I gave an all too human hug and sobbed with him. He had lost a soulmate. I had lost a brother.

There was a whole host of other individuals I recognised from various circles. It was surreal, you'd normally see these lads at their best in clubs or fancy dinners but today all were somber, solemn and teary eyed. I stood by his body, said a quick prayer and told him I'd miss him.

I went through his old possessions in his home. He was always an avid reader, and a massive Doraemon fan. His brother looked just like a younger version of him. 12 years apart, now without an elder guiding sibling, K stepped up to the plate and served as that figure. I'm sure his family knew by now K's role in my departed friends life.

The train was leaving soon, I had to say my farewells. I could not stay for the cremation. I gave K and my friends mother one last hug each and shot off to the station. During the ride back, I let go of all my disappointments and grudges across various people in the circle and from my past. Life is short, live happy, forgive all, forget the bad.

I arrived home and sobbed with my family. Life is short, I'll appreciate all the time we have left together. Us, as mere mortals.

I'll ever honor your memory brother. You were always there for me, I never did forget. Your family loves you dearly, you left us all too soon. K will sorely miss your presence too, he was undoubtedly your soulmate. I hope you find peace in the Hereafter and you did not suffer much in your passing. 

Someday perhaps I'll see you again, and we'll laugh just like old times. Thank you for always being there KW. 

I love you bro. Rest well.

Distance and Apprehension

So this Singaporean lad I've been talking to for a bit decided to invite me over to Taipei to celebrate his birthday with him and his mates. He always gave good vibes and was always open to me visiting him down under though as fate would have it, we ended up in a place quite some distance away from either of our home bases.

I would have to say, I felt a certain connection from him in Taiwan whilst hanging out with him there that I wasn't quite anticipating in awhile. I suppose sharing the same bed and adventures would do that after awhile. Though I suppose my mixed signals and apprehensive nature might have put him off by the end of the trip, I did appreciate the connections we were making throughout.

I could tell though by the end that a distance had slightly grown and when we said our farewells, his fire for me had dimmed. It was a pity, only as another opportunity began to flutter away did I suddenly realise a sense of imminent bygone chances once more. Its a bad habit I am so often fond of. Though I suppose the distance between us would never have made things feasible in the first place, I still feel the growing rift.

At least for a time, in the blur of the drinks, sights and sounds of the dizzying Taipei lights and clinking of pristine glasses, I had for a moment recalled a potential for a flame to brew. I suppose my aloofness cost me another one yet again. He was decent, I think I've caught the feels. Now as he gradually fades away from attachment to me I reckon I'll regret yet another lost cause.

I need to stop pushing people away. I hope you'd still give me a shot SG boy. Let me show you KL again some time. You won't regret it.

A Blessed Year in Retrospect

2018 is rapidly coming to a close. In spite of the often times melancholic nature this blog has gradually skewed to, my life has been nothing short of a series of blessings these last couple of years. From the ashes of ground zero, new opportunities and fortunes arose.

I made a short list of the achievements I made this year alone to permit myself a reminder that despite the shortcomings and shortfalls I had experienced in my quarter life crisis not all too long ago, good things can come and greater things will come.

In 2018:

• Survived 6 months in China, graduated a language course at a  Chinese university and actually made some progress in learning my mother tongue after years of being excessively white washed
• Got promoted twice with a significant raise to base income and responsibilities
• Closed multiple major deals with foreign firms, expanding earning capacity and recognition within company
• Purchased my first house, undertook my first loan and made my first down payments
• Head hunted by a large multinational and swapped to a completely different industry with a possibility of migration in the near future
• Met key players in my industry whom have contributed their share to the development of Malaysia
• Traveled numerous times regionally and around the globe, funded entirely through my own income and made a number of invaluable friendships along the way
• Earned the respect and endearment of my former company and my long time employer
• Made peace with my dear ex and gave my blessings to my successor

It had not been all rainbows and butterflies, but whenever I stumble and fall and feel a tinge of sadness, I always look back to the many glad tidings and small blessings I have received this year.

With every low point, there is potential for new beginnings. With every rise, there is also a fall. I hold my breath with a degree of trepidation at any plunges in the future, but I will now take every fall with a dignified ember of hope and a confidence that the best years are yet to come.

Perhaps 2019 will be the year when I find you, wherever you are. My darl. I have a full heart to give, tatters, bruises, warts and all, but it still beats true. I still believe I'll see you some day.

Here's to a bright new year, full of renewed hopes and dreams.

Transcendence

It occurred to me last night all of a sudden, in one of my sleepless nights...I no longer thought of him daily. I no longer ached, or longed, or felt a deep sense of loss. I had found a certain degree of peace.

I felt then an odd mix of feelings, and mix of fear and relief, fear of finally letting ago and yet relief all the same.

I looked upon the pictures of his new love life, and finally in my heart of hearts gave my blessing. It was a small symbolic gesture, but it meant something to me.

Still, on the streets of Bangkok or Ho Chi Minh, wearing clothes that he'd used to wear, basking in cultures he used to like, I do not doubt the depth and degrees of which he influenced me and played a part in my life. Those are the parts of him I would always keep.

Its nearing the final quartile of 2018, soon we would have been split for 3 whole years and more. I spent the greater part of 2017 hoping against hope.

At least now I have found a friend in him, I can truly be happy for him though we are no longer together, and of that I am proud.

But you'll always hold a special place in my heart, as I'm sure I do yours. Even if you'll never tell me. 

E.L

He's Just Not That Into You

He was a bi lad too.

The intricacies of his mind, the subtle expressions, boyish charms and smiles were ultimately laced with an underlying melancholy and insecurity about himself.

An adequate mirror into the me of yester-year.

The insecurities of a future with the same sex. The dilemmas, the confusion, the need to fit into general society. The fear of discovery and parental oversight, of acceptance into the family and a intangible sight of an uncertain future.

I knew only too well his struggle. That despite, the chemistry inherent in our minds, he simply was just not ready.

Life has come a long way since. I've made peace with my sexuality, my fears of commitment with members of the same sex in an unconventional life style. It does add colour to life, making it worth living I suppose.

Ultimately, in spite of kisses, long nights, heartfelt talks, dinners and whatever efforts, he is ultimately still a "child". Mature in many ways, but still discovering the world, taste testing and straddling the lines of the straight and the bent.

We are all children of two worlds. It is our gift, it is our curse. No one, neither straight nor gay would ever truly understand.

However in spite of understanding, I am allowed to feel a sense of frustration. Not everyone is privileged in having parents and friends that understand as mine have. And so, with our last meal, and his prim and proper facade becoming sloppier and unkempt, I knew the fires of attraction had to be fading.

It's obvious when men start to lose interest. You need only observe their wardrobe and upkeep.

He's just not that into you.

Life would go on, but I guess for 2018, but for ghosts of the past, you'd be that small but temporary spark.

I rest my expectancies and move forward. The search goes ever on.

Tired, but ever hopeful.

Oi vey.

Farewell

Its been months. I checked up on him to see if he was doing fine still, only to realise all avenues had been shut down. A dawning realisation that I'd been blocked from every form of media by him, social or otherwise.

It came to my knowledge that he'd gotten attached barely a month since we parted ways in November whilst I was in the Mainland. I'd been unfollowed on social media and now nearly two months after I've finally been blocked altogether. For no crime whatsoever, other than being a source of care once upon a time.

Not like we were every officially together.

"Where's your boyfriend?"
"Isn't that his office?"
"You guys were quite cute together what happened?"

A multitude of presumptious questions hit me from mutual friends I met over the weekend since returning for a party at our local gay haunts. I stared at the Intermark across from the tower of sin wherein I downed glasses of gin to great company and felt hollow, no stings...just an abject nothing as I recovered and rediscovered my self worth and gazed upon the work place from which I'd pick him up from.

The good night and good vibes completely made me indifferent to a ghost of the past.

Despite his "cheating", his attempts to put me down verbally and challenge my worth, I survived on principle that I deserved better really.

I guess, what I've come to find, is you never really know a person.

I made an effort, didn't work out. You found someone else, and have now decided to cut ties with the past altogether. Matters not to me anymore. I cared and then I didn't.

"I'm sorry we couldn't work out as friends." I texted to the last unblocked link we had.

And then for a change, my turn it was.

Goodbye John.

Old Friend, Old Flame

Dear XC

Its near the end of 2017 now and in a couple of months we would've known each other for approximately 7 years. Time really did fly did it not?

It's interesting, how a random series of Grindr messages from my road trip in the Summer of 2011 spawned long lasting friendships and around the same period led to me meeting the other person that would eventually become my very first boyfriend.

We were never officially lovers though, but back then I remember being star struck by you for a change. I remember feeling excited in a way I never had been for all the boys I had dated prior. I was so new to all things gay back then, having been a bi lad and focusing all my energies on girls alone with nary a thought for men, but boy did you sweep me with your Ipoh lad charms.

I liked how we played the same games, loved the same movies, shared the same hopes and dreams and you came from a good family background and shared a decent overseas education I could relate to. That brief summer, that visit to KL, the naivety and the sweet innocence of a young romance. I was only 20 then, so innocent, so wide eyed. The previous boys were all massive disappointments making you stand out all the more.

Then you left to the land down under and I returned to cold dreary UK. You made your choice to be with another whilst I picked you over the lad that would eventually become my first boyfriend. I remember how sad I was, how discarded I felt, and how much of a fuck boy you used to be.

But we always stayed friends didn't we? Through thick and thin, in your own way you always cared for me. Through my first break up and the second, you would always be there to pick me up and cheer me on. I really did appreciate the subtle gestures of care and concern.

And now years later, with your new lover, you're planning to visit me here in China.

I don't know why I reflected on this only now, but after 7 years...I've really come to appreciate you as a friend. You've been very good to me, and I hope you and your lover will ever be happy. I've grown fond of him to you know? He's made you a hell of a lot less awkward and uptight with displaying affections in public. I've come to find it really sweet, remembering how closetted you once were.

Thanks for being my friend XC. For always watching out for me.

You were never my BF, but I love you all the same in my own way, even if I never say it.

Love you bro.